Opinions and or advice needed pls.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Opinions and or advice needed pls.......
38
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:38pm

Ok - I have been holding out on this info because I am afraid of the reaction it might get...but then I thought 'this is an online forum...how bad could it be....'

Here's the deal - Kazoo and I had a wonderful evening last week..he made me dinner, lots of great wine, fabulous conversation ...lots of romance. Then he dropped a major bombshell on me... he has a child that he supports but has no relationship with. My jaw hit the ground for a number of reasons. One - he really wants children and jokes about it everytime I see him (remember I have known him for many years so things are moving fast right now for us as a couple). Two - I cannot fathom not having a relationship with my own children. Three - I was adopted (1st abandonment), my father died when I was a teenager (2nd abandonment), my mother remarried and basically removed herself from the lives of my older brother and I when I was 18 (3rd abandonement)- I do not understand how people can completely forget about their children!!!!!!

I have an issue with this. Now - from Kazoo's point of view he was just an unwitting sperm donor who has to pay for the rest of his life for a one night mistake.

We talked quite a bit about this. His previous fiance was very angry about the situation, but not for the same reasons that I would be. She didn't want him to have to pay any money. I could care less about that and more about his moral fiber!!! This child is now 1.5yrs old. A great age to get to know her father even if only on occasional visits. Plus if he entered her life now, she won't have to live the rest of it thinking her father doesn't love her, didn't want her, etc etc etc etc etc. He seems somewhat open to a change of heart...but he is very bitter about having this whole situation forced on him.

Well.....that's it for now....I should mention that he is applying some pressure for me to spend some more time with him right now....hard to do with my kids and his super busy schedule ( I don't plan on introducing my children to anyone unless it turns uber serious)....

HELP!!!!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:52pm

Hi Mark -I did catch your drift on the abandonment issues and I agree with you. I can offer a perspective on this issue that he might not have otherwise.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 6:50pm

Damn! Why cant things be EASY!?!!?

Yes, i too would have to wonder ... how could someone NOT want to be a parent to a child they created. BUT< I also am very pro-choice. If I were a man in that situation where a woman I had no committment to got pg, I would want her to terminate ... so who am *I* to judge?

I dont know. I think you need to sit on this & decide how much of a deal breaker it is for you. Given your abandonment issues (((( hugs!!!))), i think it could be a deal breaker for you, maybe. But if you are open & honest, i pray you can get thru it.

I wish i had an "answer" for you, but i think only you can decide that one. xo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:43pm

There are too many things that ring false to me.


He feels that somehow this baby was an "ends to a means" and that his financial support was really ultimately what she was after


ANY single mother knows that child support does NOT cover all the expenses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 5:41am

Rose sweetie - I was thinking about your situation more last night as I was going to bed.

I sing back up to Soonee. And one more thing for me to add - is that his reaction to all of this is sort of a good indication for how he views and deals with stuff in life. I mean we all have circumstances that we don't like at first. But the good people and the happy people in life look at what they have in a good way - like the glass is half full and not half empty.

Having sex is always a risk for pregnancy. I know people whose birth control failed. Condoms, birth control pills, diaphrams, and even vasectomies. If you want to play you take the risk to pay. Period. He is not living in some third world country where he doesn't realize this. And no woman can get pregnant by herself. OMG - if that was the case men would become extinct! And that life he created is a wonderful human being with its own needs who is helpless in this world. Sure, you have an accident and at first you are shocked but then you are happy to have a baby - you get over it and you take care of it. We all know as mothers that there is nothing more special or worthwhile than your own children.

I have met quite a few dads along the way whose babies were surprises. And they take the responsibility quite seriously. They love their kids.

To me, his attitude and bitterness would be a serious red flag.

I can so relate to where you are with him. But let this be a wake up call to who he really is and proceed with caution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 10:55am

Hi Judy - I am really struggling with this whole situation. I do have serious issues with the way he has handled this. We talked a little more about it last night and I just don't understand his POV.

On the other hand....if anyone is glass half full...this is the guy.... That is what is sooo confusing to me - his reaction is completely opposite of any other adverse situation I have known him to handle in the 14 years that I have known him. He is mister happy, mister social director, life of the party, fun guy, would do anything to help a friend in need, looks after his ailing mother, mentors his nephew, takes his niece shopping, learned sign language when his sister went deaf, volunteers for a number of charities...you name it.

I have thought about alll the scenarios and I agree that his actions here would be a clear indications of how he might handle situations in the future that don't mesh with his ideal standards. My head and my heart are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this ...I do appreciate your thoughts and Soonee's note is a breath of fresh air as well. Lots to think about ....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 11:00am
You are smart to see it as a flag. I think that time will tell you everything. Because you will notice his POV from this seep into other areas of his life now that you are looking for it, if "it" is indeed there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 12:14pm

Without having read the rest of the responses, I'll tell you my story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 3:03pm

Liz - Thanks so much for sharing your story. This is a really difficult situation and I am very sensitive to the fact that it would be very easy for him to paint this woman as a manipulative you-know-what, but that won't wash with me. He is just as responsible for his role in getting her pregnant as she is.

I wasn't there, I don't know exactly what happened, I only know what he has told me. I have been very honest with him in saying that I just don't understand why he doesn't have a relationship with her. I also mentioned the fact that there is a good chance that one day this child will grow up and may seek him out on her own. He says he is fine with that. Again - doesn't make sense to me. I really care about Kazoo - even if we weren't dating, this is something I am passionate about probably due to my own experiences. I hope I will be able to help him see the other side.

Liz - I hope you don't mind but I may want to bounce some idea's or questions off of you on this topic. One question -- how does your daughter feel about not having her father in her life. She obviously has a fabulous mom but...due to his absence does she feel in some way that she is inadequate/not good enough/unwanted because of the situation? (I am sure that you more than make up for it but just curious as to her take on the matter).

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 3:42pm

Soonee - I absolutely love your perspective on things. So intelligent and well thought out - you are able to put some difficult situations into the perfect words.

Horse Hooves and Fantasy Princesses and FarFarAway Land - I totally understand what you mean by this and I do think that you are right. I am living the reality and not the fantasy and there is no comparison between the two. I do think you are right about that aspect of this situation. And I agree - why would he accept my children if he can't accept his own...all things I have thought about and will be discussing with him.(not because I think we have a future together, but more to try and paint the full picture of the spin off effects of this decision/choice he has made)

Since we do have some common friends, I do know why he ended the engagement and the friends who knew her well also concur (she also worked at our workplace for a short time). They are still friends - no hatred there. As for his previous marriage - he takes full responsibilty for blowing that one - we were just good friends when it ended and I helped to counsel him through that one. He feels he learned a great deal from that experience plus he is now a decade older as well.

I don't know about you but men seem to be able to rationalize the strangest things and this is a case in point. No matter what happens between Kazoo and I, I do hope - if nothing else, that I can help open his eyes to the reality of the fact that he fathered a child. His flesh and blood and hse is not going to go away.

My eyes are WIDE OPEN to the potential land mines here. I wish things were cut and dried but that is not the case..... If I had no previous knowledge of this guy it would be so much simpler but I don't feel I can just him on this alone....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 9:27pm
Hi Rose, of course I don't mind answering questions.