Opinions and or advice needed pls.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Opinions and or advice needed pls.......
38
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:38pm

Ok - I have been holding out on this info because I am afraid of the reaction it might get...but then I thought 'this is an online forum...how bad could it be....'

Here's the deal - Kazoo and I had a wonderful evening last week..he made me dinner, lots of great wine, fabulous conversation ...lots of romance. Then he dropped a major bombshell on me... he has a child that he supports but has no relationship with. My jaw hit the ground for a number of reasons. One - he really wants children and jokes about it everytime I see him (remember I have known him for many years so things are moving fast right now for us as a couple). Two - I cannot fathom not having a relationship with my own children. Three - I was adopted (1st abandonment), my father died when I was a teenager (2nd abandonment), my mother remarried and basically removed herself from the lives of my older brother and I when I was 18 (3rd abandonement)- I do not understand how people can completely forget about their children!!!!!!

I have an issue with this. Now - from Kazoo's point of view he was just an unwitting sperm donor who has to pay for the rest of his life for a one night mistake.

We talked quite a bit about this. His previous fiance was very angry about the situation, but not for the same reasons that I would be. She didn't want him to have to pay any money. I could care less about that and more about his moral fiber!!! This child is now 1.5yrs old. A great age to get to know her father even if only on occasional visits. Plus if he entered her life now, she won't have to live the rest of it thinking her father doesn't love her, didn't want her, etc etc etc etc etc. He seems somewhat open to a change of heart...but he is very bitter about having this whole situation forced on him.

Well.....that's it for now....I should mention that he is applying some pressure for me to spend some more time with him right now....hard to do with my kids and his super busy schedule ( I don't plan on introducing my children to anyone unless it turns uber serious)....

HELP!!!!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 2:32pm
I'll toast to that!
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:08pm

Hmmmm....I almost wish this were a separate thread so that it might get more responses. This is very interesting and something that numerous posters have pointed to.

Of course the abandonment is something that has completely been beyond my control (adoption, death, alcohol). I have been in counselling and my counsellor does not seem to feel I have any major issues concerning this area. She feels that for the most part I have risen above the challenges I have faced in my life. I am a very positive, happy, well adjusted person. It will always be a 'fact' of my life and hopefully I continue to handle it as best as can be expected. It does not rule my life and it defines one aspect of me, not my whole being.

My children will likely never meet Kazoo so let's leave this as a Hypothetical question...In this case what will they learn....the reality is it would be one of two possible answers...1) they meet him and he has continued to not have a relationship with this child so my children do not know she exists. or 2) he does have a relationship with her and my children would not have been aware that he abandoned her. or a possible third scenario....3) Kazoo and I hook up as life partners at some point waaaayyyyy down the road. He continues to deny this child but she comes looking for him one day and my daughters meet her and realize he abandoned his own child. I trust that they would potentially realize that people are not perfect (likely long before this ever happens!). That people make choices and decisions that they may regret. That Kazoo was not ready for a baby but that he did support her financially. There is no way to right that wrong. At the same time Kazoo is not a closet rapist, or a racist, or some other social societal deviant. He had sex with a woman he barely knew...she got pregnant, he supported the child but did not have a relationship with her. Bad bad bad but not impossible to forgive...

In my life my moto has been "no regrets". No one is perfect. We all have baggage. I do not want to have any regrets on the day that I die. I would hope that I would ingrain that same feeling in my children. Part of that is forgiveness and acceptance....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:17pm

There is no way to right that wrong.


If we had this discussion

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:36pm
I back up soonee with the response that their is definitely ways to right the wrong. Yes, he is financially supporting her, but again, this is a part of him. Love or no love for that woman, he should have love for something that is part of him and overlook the part of her. I think down the line, when things have settled and he has learned to "move on" from his bitterness towards her, he will see the child for what it really is: HIS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:37pm

I totally agree that he can still form a relationship with this child and technically right that wrong. What I meant is that for at least 1.5 yrs of her life, he chose to deny her and nothing can change that. It's a fact. Reality.

I am hoping he will have a change of heart but I know my control over that will be minimal at best. But I'm going to try.... :) I am hoping I can help him realize that she is a little person apart and separate from her mother and that his relationship with her can be separate and apart as well. Even if my dating relationship goes no where with him, I hope that I can still have a possitive impact on this situation.

As for crystallization --- I love learning new things and while I never had a "word" for it before, I am nearly 40 years old and do realize that when a relationship is new we go through an infatuation stage where we tend put that person on pedestal and to over look, explain away or minimize one anothers flaws.

While this dating relationship is new to me... he is no stranger from the online world etc. I have been good friends with this guy for 14 years. I just found out about the baby last week.... he is a good person who has made a bad decision.

Rose (I do appreciate your input -- hopefully I am not frustrating you too much with this!)

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 3:44pm

I really do hope so.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 11:02pm
Thanks for the compliment!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 11:27am

Great answer Liz. I totally agree that your daughter is your number one concern and clearly you have her best interests at heart.

I am not sure what to do about Kazoo...but the more we have talked the more it seems that he is open to the possibility of having a relationship with this child. I would really like to see that happen. All I can do is try to tune him into all of the wonderful benefits that come with having a connection with this child....

Thanks again for sharing!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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