other shoe, knew it was coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
other shoe, knew it was coming
25
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 1:53pm

The official parenting plan is that PB gets the kids for the 4th every even year. He picks up @ 5pm on the 3rd and I pick up @9am on the 6th. I just knew he'd pull something today, told M as much on Thurs. PB was just too smug when he came to get D4. I show up @ his house @ 9am, I actually verified the time in an e-mail last Mon. PB's father answers the door and glares at me, arms folded like I'm so totally in the wrong for even being there. He doesn't say anything, so I ask "Where are my children?"
"Not here."
""Uh, not here? Where are they, any idea what time they will be here?"
"He says they'll be back at 10, don't know where they are."
He turns his back on me and heads back in the house, so I turn and say as I head back to my car,
"That's unacceptable, there's been absolutely no notification to me about any of it, I am forced to call the sheriff"
I call PB. He is glib, says he's running late he'll be back in a while, refuses to answer where he is and hangs up on me.
So once again I call the sheriff. After 35 minutes waiting in the ever increasing heat a very young deputy shows up. He's been reading up on the statutes that apply. He reads my documentation from the court (so glad I paid the $18 to have the official notarized copy) listens to my report of how this keeps happening and how my X has decided that he's untouchable, the court document is just paper. Another sheriff deputy, older one, divorced himself, shows up. Initially young deputy believes that the situation is a violation of the custodial interference statute, which if PB returns the kids today is a misdemeanor. Other deputy clarifies that is only after I go back to court with multiple documentation of what is happening today, which is just a contempt of court order infraction, which is a civil court matter I have to get an attorney to handle.
Although I apologized about wasting their time, once again the deputies stated actually what I was doing was a good choice, my only real choice. I need to continue documenting the incidents and then go back to court to have PB's parenting time revoked. A new document with more stipulations regarding his refusal to follow the court order and his repeated removal of the children from the country (I have no doubt he is coming back from Mex right now) without any notification to me will have to be written- with the provision that if he violates it again it is a criminal offense.If he is in Mex at the time I lodge the complaint the border patrol would be notified and it would be a federal charge. Why do I think that is looming in my future?
I don't want to do this cr@%. I am so sick of this wasting of everyone's time, the total lack of respect for my time, the lack of respect for our kids, especially S17 who I know is totally pissed right now. I have to weigh continuing to be stepped on by PB against pushing him right over the edge. His parents are totally pissing me off. They actually take this "not my problem" attitude- totally reasonable that they have no knowledge of their son's and grandchildren's whereabouts.
It is now almost 11 am, still no sign of my kids, no word from PB.

QB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:14pm

Can you not file abduction charges?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:34pm

I have to know for a fact the kids are out of the country- while they are out of the country and it is on my time. He also has to state he has no intention of returning for it to be kidnapping. The deputies gave me web site that has all the statutes, I'll look it up after I get settled down and get my children back.

PB just called, acting like nothing is amiss, "thanks for asking about the kids, they are fine, had a great time, I'll be dropping them off shortly" totally in the tone of voice like this whole thing did not happen, like I am totally fine with this. It is now 11:20am.

No, seriously, there is not a lot one can do with a violation of court order. He does this repeatedly. He hasn't even fulfilled the financial aspect, there is a retirement fund awarded to me still out there 3 years now and not been transferred to me. I have a QDRO, paid for all the attorney's fees on that because he refused to pay his half, and still the company needs a letter from him to turn it over to me.

I have no choice but to continue to document his violations of the court order, then go back to court. Meanwhile PB expects me to sit around waiting for him to grace me with his presence.

OK, they are back and yes, as I suspected, they were in Mexico. They were just back across the border at 9am. PB is just laughing about it. I have to find out the details of what I have to do to document it, and what, if anything, I can do if I know they are in Mexico while it is still his time.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 2:42pm

Ugh.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 5:53pm

I can see being a LITTLE late. But I can't see the legal issue with the retirement money - 3 years is WAY TOO LATE/LONG and you must proceed with that. And the thing about going out of the country is also not correct legally - and if truth be told, I would not like my kids going to Mexico or anywhere out of the country without permission/communication.

If it was anyone else I might be inclined to suggest that you let him slide on the 2 hours late thing but accept the natural consequences - such as you are busy now and he has to bring them later when you are not so busy. But this is PB and it seems to me that he is very unstable and manipulative and narcissistic and you must be careful and not give an inch or he will take a mile and keep going. Plus it is not a matter of just being late - it is a matter of legal stronghold on some key points that must not be missed.

So, go and get 'em and teach him a lesson about boundaries, girl!! You are the right one for the job!! Glad to hear you are documenting everything!! HUGS to you and keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 6:37pm

Actually, it is my last day of vacation myself, so the 2 hrs late basically ends my plans to run up to Mt. Lemmon or any other little trip with my kids today. It is the repeated lateness and the total lack of communication that is the problem. Both deputies agreed over an hour with no notification to anyone as to his location or possible return time was unreasonable. And taking the kids out of the country without notification is understood by all to be a total no-no, yet nothing is done. I'll contact my atty tomorrow, she'll be appalled but say it is PB we have to expect this.I'm going to ask specifically about custodial interference and why it does not apply in this situation. AR13-1302, look it up. Seems like he should have been charged.
Has anyone ever used the JustAsk family law site? I've posted this situation, the answer was not very helpful.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 10:06pm

QB I soooo feel for you - what he pulls is disgusting, surely there is some way around this.....


In my MSA I cannot take my kids out of the 7 southern counties of So california WITHOUT HIS permission, so I definately could not take them to mexico without his permission - oops I just did - but he knew we were going on a cruise and its not like I am going to stay in Ensenada

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 12:50am

Thanks for the support.

Yes, there is a very clear stipulation that neither of us can take the kids out of state without prior written notification. There is a separate stipulation that neither of us can take the kids out of the country without a full month's prior written notification and written notarized agreement from the other party. It means nothing. He is violating the decree, he is in contempt, I sincerely doubt anything will come of it this time as nothing happened the first 3 times this happened. He is also in contempt for withholding custody from me after 9am. That also happens pretty much every time he goes over the border with the kids.

I will call the customs office and file the forms necessary to block him from getting a passport for D4 without my consent. I am also going to call the border patrol at Nogales to find out why they just wave him through, never checking for documentation for our kids. The last time was just this past Sept. I have to find out who (lawyer or the court) can subpoena their records and under what circumstances.

PsychoBoy has been on a roll of dysfunction for over a month now. He truly thinks he is above the law. Well, it is time I became a total pain in the behind. He already insists I'm a total bi!@7 - I might as well start acting like one. He has forgotten that one of the reasons he married me was that I am not the dullest tool in the shed.

So really, YOU could take your kids out of So. Cal without their father's knowledge or permission, as long as you state to someone the intention of bringing them back, nothing will happen. At least in AZ you sure could- not that you would.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 9:20am

My only thought is that some stuff you should let slide for the purpose of getting along and moving forward - otherwise just looking at your side of things - how long do you want to battle him and over what? In other words - my initial reaction is that if the kids are having fun in Mexico and you were not late to any plans that you had set in advance - what is the harm of him taking them there and coming back a bit late? And what is the likelihood of you actually being able to rush them off right out of the house to do another full day activity after them being away a whole weekend in Mexico with their dad - I know my son has to wind down between houses. It is a sort of expect he is going to be late kind of thing.

BUT BUT BUT - I know he is not the normal exh given his history of mental illness where he just runs amok and you have to keep a tight rein on him or he will overturn you on all ends and go for more privileges in court and stuff like that. So I think you are right and have to keep documenting how he has a willful disregard for ALL rules here and you have to keep him to the plan. I think each ex has to have a different set of standards. And yours is the poster child for horror!! Especially given what he did with the babysitter the other day - that was really scary and over the top for him pushing "the rules" kind of thing.

And NO - he surely did not marry the dullest tool in the shed - although he seems to be bedding THAT sort of one at present and turning into a total idiot to boot!!

HUGS!! Keep to the rules, keep documenting and keep us posted - you have done really good so far and I am sure you will maintain the same. You have a lot of years left since DD is only 4.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 11:17am

Hi QB,


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 11:44am

In other words - my initial reaction is that if the kids are having fun in Mexico and you were not late to any plans that you had set in advance - what is the harm of him taking them there and coming back a bit late?

I initially did that the first time this happened. But this time, following all the other things that have happened in the past month, starting with the babysitter issue, it really is beyond being nice anymore. PB did call his parents at 8am Sun. Why didn't he call me to say he'd be late? Why didn''t he just tell me ahead of time he was going? He knew full well when he picked up D4 at 5pm Thurs he would not be home 9am Sun for me to pick her up,yet he said nothing. Why didn't he just add a vacation day to the 4th holiday and come home Sun eve, take D4 to school Mon? A rational, reasonable person would have done one of the above. I would have been fine if he had done one of the above. It is deliberate on his part to waste my time, to disregard the decree. And to refuse to tell me where he was or any kind of estimate on the time he would get back? Especially when he knew at that time he'd be 2 1/2 hours late? He acted like I should just sit there in his drive waiting in the 100+ heat. It simply does not have to be this crazy. Just adds more fuel to the already fuming fire.

I just can't be nice anymore. This is the battle and it picked me. I have to over react to every incident just to get through to PB there are consequences for his behavior. He has to realize, the more he does this stuff the less co-operative I will be and the more he'll spend on attorneys. I'm in the documenting phase. He will drag me back to court within a year and at that time all this contempt stuff will come up. His lack of mental stability will be an issue. I am not going to backslide and send him e-mails trying to tell him how to behave, how a "normal" person would behave. I will not threaten him with court actions.

As each deputy has told me, yes, it is nice to be flexible- it is good for the kids. But with someone like PB, who takes advantage of you're being co-operative and does things like what he pulled with the sitter and what he did this weekend (law enforcement really gets their shorts in a knot about taking kids out of state without notification) I truly have no choice but to do what I am doing. If I don't officially complain, the decree just gets weaker and weaker, pretty soon the court sees it at my acceptance of this behavior.

So I soldier on, not very willingly, but I realize for my long term peace of mind, I have to do things this way.

QB

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