other shoe, knew it was coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
other shoe, knew it was coming
25
Sun, 07-06-2008 - 1:53pm

The official parenting plan is that PB gets the kids for the 4th every even year. He picks up @ 5pm on the 3rd and I pick up @9am on the 6th. I just knew he'd pull something today, told M as much on Thurs. PB was just too smug when he came to get D4. I show up @ his house @ 9am, I actually verified the time in an e-mail last Mon. PB's father answers the door and glares at me, arms folded like I'm so totally in the wrong for even being there. He doesn't say anything, so I ask "Where are my children?"
"Not here."
""Uh, not here? Where are they, any idea what time they will be here?"
"He says they'll be back at 10, don't know where they are."
He turns his back on me and heads back in the house, so I turn and say as I head back to my car,
"That's unacceptable, there's been absolutely no notification to me about any of it, I am forced to call the sheriff"
I call PB. He is glib, says he's running late he'll be back in a while, refuses to answer where he is and hangs up on me.
So once again I call the sheriff. After 35 minutes waiting in the ever increasing heat a very young deputy shows up. He's been reading up on the statutes that apply. He reads my documentation from the court (so glad I paid the $18 to have the official notarized copy) listens to my report of how this keeps happening and how my X has decided that he's untouchable, the court document is just paper. Another sheriff deputy, older one, divorced himself, shows up. Initially young deputy believes that the situation is a violation of the custodial interference statute, which if PB returns the kids today is a misdemeanor. Other deputy clarifies that is only after I go back to court with multiple documentation of what is happening today, which is just a contempt of court order infraction, which is a civil court matter I have to get an attorney to handle.
Although I apologized about wasting their time, once again the deputies stated actually what I was doing was a good choice, my only real choice. I need to continue documenting the incidents and then go back to court to have PB's parenting time revoked. A new document with more stipulations regarding his refusal to follow the court order and his repeated removal of the children from the country (I have no doubt he is coming back from Mex right now) without any notification to me will have to be written- with the provision that if he violates it again it is a criminal offense.If he is in Mex at the time I lodge the complaint the border patrol would be notified and it would be a federal charge. Why do I think that is looming in my future?
I don't want to do this cr@%. I am so sick of this wasting of everyone's time, the total lack of respect for my time, the lack of respect for our kids, especially S17 who I know is totally pissed right now. I have to weigh continuing to be stepped on by PB against pushing him right over the edge. His parents are totally pissing me off. They actually take this "not my problem" attitude- totally reasonable that they have no knowledge of their son's and grandchildren's whereabouts.
It is now almost 11 am, still no sign of my kids, no word from PB.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 12:17pm

Dammit. The system SUCKS. Im so sorry QB. Its infuriating - no WONDER he beleives he is above the law ... b/c they never hold him accountable!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 12:21pm

Its ALL about CONTROL, as you know.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 12:39pm

Gawd!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 1:41pm

So I soldier on, not very willingly, but I realize for my long term peace of mind, I have to do things this way.


Oh, QB, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 1:44pm

Q...this echos my fears loud and clear. CP is from Italy and TBH is Russian...the only thing that gives me little comfort is that right

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 2:14pm

"He acted like I should just sit there in his drive waiting in the 100+ heat. It simply does not have to be this crazy. Just adds more fuel to the already fuming fire."

THAT is definitely fuel for the fire!! He should have called to explain he is going to be late and offer to bring them to your house.

I sense that he has a personal vendetta for you and is using his actions to take that out on you.

I wonder, do you have to wait to report the out of the country thing - because that seems a bit serious?

Hang in there, soldier!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 6:17pm

Moon wrote:
"Passports...How can your kids get back into the country without them? Aren't they required? If DD4 does not have one yet, it is my understanding that you have to have both parents signatures on the documentation, and if only one parent is going to the DMV, then the other signature has to be notarized. AND, parents who are traveling outside the country with their children are supposed to carry a letter stating that the other parent is aware they are outside the country!"

Yes, the above is all true, in theory and on paper. The reality, ladies and gents, is that the border patrol and customs officers have it at their discretion to ask for any of the above. If they don't ask, as is common when driving back from Mexico, then no one will know you don't have the authorization. Passports are required if one flies into the US from any other country and they are required by the airlines if you are leaving to an international destination. Canada, is much better about enforcing these rules, have been doing so for at least 20 years (have a not so fun story going through Canadian customs for a ski trip when S19 was 13 months old and forgot his birth cert- thank goodness he could talk well even that young). The notarized letter from the non-traveling parent (regardless if you are married or divorced) is also supposed to be required. It is up to the border agent to ask for it.

So back to Mexico- the border patrol keeps photo records of every vehicle that crosses into the US, at least at the 2 Nogales crossings. I know this because I personally have a fast pass, I went through a two week process of application, background checks and personal interview with lots of documentation with me to get the pass. I realized at that time they have a record of every time I have crossed the border, coming from Mexico in my car. They also had access to records that show I flew into JFK from Paris. The state department claims it does not keep such records, they certainly do. The state dept also has the rules as Moon understands, both parents must sign the request for a passport for a minor; however, there is a end round that, so the state dept requests that parents who are concerned about international abduction file a request that blocks their child from being issued a passport without informing you first. That is what I am doing now. If PB wants to get D4 a passport (was supposed to be required for travel to/from Mex starting 2008- changed their minds again) he won't be able to without getting the notarized agreement from me- and I'd require he post a bond that he'll actually bring her back because he did not volunteer the info, it would be the state dept notifying me that gets me the info. He'd have to give me an itinerary, like all the rest of us normal people would automatically provide the other parent.

So the situation with PB is that he goes through at the far west crossing at Lukeville. The border patrol officer sees a white guy with family in a nice vehicle, he runs the plates, sees the car matches the driver and that the driver is a physician in Tucson and they just wave him through. They never ask for ANY ID, he could become a major drug runner easy. He knows all these rules because the one and only time I took our kids to Mex I paid my atty $500 to go through all the multiple requests and demands for the letter from PB. He also knows I'd just give him the letter because I just want to know where the kids are, I am not going to prevent him from going. But he still insists on sneaking off and lying to me or evading the question of where he is.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 6:36pm

That is just crazy!!!!

I wonder if he refuses to tell you because he thinks that gives him the upper hand?

Now for an EXTREMELY dumb question from me - have you actually asked him for the itinerary? Or to address the logic that he is likely to go on holidays and if this is the case he is probably going to be late coming back and you ARE okay with all of that if he would just communicate/coordinate in advance rather than a shoddy lolly come lately with no concern of your time or interest in your own kids?

And for the next dumb question - what in the world is so good about going to Mexico?

And I wonder if he would go after S17 moves out - I cannot imagine that sort of thing would be fun with D4 by herself? Was just hoping somehow that we would only have one more year of this sort of thing?

OMG - you get the cake for the biggest headache of the week with your exh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 6:37pm

I must admit the title of this post did scare me initially - I thought you broke up with M!! LOL!!

Although I know that this mess with PB is quite serious and quite frustrating - it was just the element of surprise!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 7:04pm

LOL
have you actually asked him for the itinerary? Or to address the logic that he is likely to go on holidays and if this is the case he is probably going to be late coming back and you ARE okay with all of that if he would just communicate/coordinate in advance rather than a shoddy lolly come lately with no concern of your time or interest in your own kids?

West, this is totally RANDOM behavior. I never know which weekend he's just hanging out at home and which he'll go off somewhere. He does not even tell our son til they are leaving. Me ask for an itinerary? I have and I get lied to, told it's none of my business, or get a snide sarcastic response- or the "you had that right til you divorced me". When he has asked me to switch days or adjust for his family or travel plans I have always been agreeable, hence the set-up on the sitter debacle. I just thought it was a normal switch, didn't expect it was a scam. M asked me to ask PB about his summer vacation plans. I got no response from PB.

This is deliberate "shoddy lolly come lately with no concern of your time or interest in your own kids" behavior. Even when we were married he'd act like everything had to be a big secret. I was supposed to be at home with the boys ready for whatever plan he had been mulling over or whatever idea popped into his head on the drive home from work that day, like I was some kind of mind reader. From his e-mail and comments to me and to our sons it is clear he has absolutely no respect for anyone else's time. Nice people were put on Earth to be used by folks like him.

My being inflexible and sticking to the plan is a new thing, direct response to the sitter thing. He is not liking it. So I guess his new response is to make an issue of his ability to not follow the decree.

QB, and PB will go to Mex more after S17 is not living at home because he goes with OW and her kids, S17 can get surly around them. D4 loves it, loves the beach. Remember OW is Hispanic, she still has extended family in Sonora.