other shoe, knew it was coming
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 07-06-2008 - 1:53pm |
The official parenting plan is that PB gets the kids for the 4th every even year. He picks up @ 5pm on the 3rd and I pick up @9am on the 6th. I just knew he'd pull something today, told M as much on Thurs. PB was just too smug when he came to get D4. I show up @ his house @ 9am, I actually verified the time in an e-mail last Mon. PB's father answers the door and glares at me, arms folded like I'm so totally in the wrong for even being there. He doesn't say anything, so I ask "Where are my children?"
"Not here."
""Uh, not here? Where are they, any idea what time they will be here?"
"He says they'll be back at 10, don't know where they are."
He turns his back on me and heads back in the house, so I turn and say as I head back to my car,
"That's unacceptable, there's been absolutely no notification to me about any of it, I am forced to call the sheriff"
I call PB. He is glib, says he's running late he'll be back in a while, refuses to answer where he is and hangs up on me.
So once again I call the sheriff. After 35 minutes waiting in the ever increasing heat a very young deputy shows up. He's been reading up on the statutes that apply. He reads my documentation from the court (so glad I paid the $18 to have the official notarized copy) listens to my report of how this keeps happening and how my X has decided that he's untouchable, the court document is just paper. Another sheriff deputy, older one, divorced himself, shows up. Initially young deputy believes that the situation is a violation of the custodial interference statute, which if PB returns the kids today is a misdemeanor. Other deputy clarifies that is only after I go back to court with multiple documentation of what is happening today, which is just a contempt of court order infraction, which is a civil court matter I have to get an attorney to handle.
Although I apologized about wasting their time, once again the deputies stated actually what I was doing was a good choice, my only real choice. I need to continue documenting the incidents and then go back to court to have PB's parenting time revoked. A new document with more stipulations regarding his refusal to follow the court order and his repeated removal of the children from the country (I have no doubt he is coming back from Mex right now) without any notification to me will have to be written- with the provision that if he violates it again it is a criminal offense.If he is in Mex at the time I lodge the complaint the border patrol would be notified and it would be a federal charge. Why do I think that is looming in my future?
I don't want to do this cr@%. I am so sick of this wasting of everyone's time, the total lack of respect for my time, the lack of respect for our kids, especially S17 who I know is totally pissed right now. I have to weigh continuing to be stepped on by PB against pushing him right over the edge. His parents are totally pissing me off. They actually take this "not my problem" attitude- totally reasonable that they have no knowledge of their son's and grandchildren's whereabouts.
It is now almost 11 am, still no sign of my kids, no word from PB.
QB

Pages
Aha - I see. He is very unworkable. But I believe you have the wisdom, knowledge and tenacity to dig your heels in and get some respect and resolution. And I believe that you are on the right path with the plan for boundaries and the plan to stick to the plan.
I think this is the biggest issue:
"you had that right til you divorced me"
Did he really think you would stay married to him, for his convenience, while he took on a mistress?
I wonder if you could talk to a psych about how to deal effectively with someone who is so narcissistic? Just a thought - maybe you have done that as well.
I really don't know how you stayed married to him for as long as you did. And I really feel as though I don't know what you should do now - or how you stay as sane as you do. We are all rooting for you and are here for as many vents as you want!!
I would think HE would tire of Mexico - did you visit there often when you were married? Or is this all new for him? I just don't have that good of memories of visiting there when I lived in your town - I mean that is not something I would want to do on a regular basis.
You know what I was just thinking and remembering - that this is like doubly painful because it was what he did in the marriage as well!!
I had a dose of this myself just this week.
I think when an exh does something to really piss you off - and out of left field like this when you clearly did nothing to provoke it never mind deserve it - AND - it is the same thing they did to make you so unhappy in the marriage - it carries an extra blow.
Because my exh calls up and says, "where are WE with the math project." Okay and so you idiot you travel so much and are never here that you have only managed to have DS do one small 10 minute math exercise while I have carried the lion's share (as usual) of the load to have him do almost 5 chapters. And his point was that he didn't want to bring a computer or be responsible for having DS do it on his precious vacation (3 weeks) but he wanted me to be responsible for all of it and for getting DS ahead on it. Our teacher recommended it because DS is actually skipping a few grades in math next year - otherwise I would not consider it for a vacation - but he really needs it. I could go on and on about the whole vacation with his family - it was a big factor in our divorce - but I don't want to hijack your thread - I am just remembering at how this made me really mad that he did not appreciate my efforts to get DS ahead and was putting himself and his family ahead of DS as he did me. It is a long story I guess.
Actually til all this happened I was thinking about posting a Going Garbo topic. I was kind of crabby this past week and was getting really annoyed with M, and it was all perfectly normal usual behavior from him- I just suddenly had no tolerance for it. I realized I was getting my period and although I've never been susceptible to PMS I must be getting a menopause loopiness. I just wanted to be ALONE! After I settle down from this latest PB stuff I may revisit that topic.
M has been great through all this stuff with PB. He offered to drive over to PB's and wait with me for the sheriff deputies to show up. Like you, he always tries to see some kind of way for me to just let it go, but then as I answer his questions and respond to his suggestions, he agrees PB needs his behind kicked to the next county. M is particularly appalled at the stuff (and it is the short story not the full saga) I have let him know occurred between PB and our eldest son. The Olympic trials brought out a lot of stories about S19's and S17's swim careers and the lack of interest from their father or worse, his hyper criticism. M is a great dad, would have loved to have had a son like either one of mine. He can't understand how any man could allow their relationship with their child go so bad, or even walk away from a kid as many dads on this board have. M actually feels sorry for PB at times. From M's perspective PB had everything- great career; financial success; smart, athletic, musically talented kids; a super loyal, smart, attractive wife who had been with him since HS (that whole high value on women with few sex partners thing), and all the trappings of success- house, car, trips. He just threw it all away- or he let it all get away from him., or maybe he drove it all away. He still has money and the things that come with it, but he is so unhappy.
QB
"Like you, he always tries to see some kind of way for me to just let it go"
NO NO - I was trying to make a point - that on one hand I would normally be tempted to say why not let it go BUT BUT BUT I realize WHO you are dealing with - that this is really just a more spiffy version of TAZ so NO WAY!! And I was asking a lot of questions to really understand the situation!! You poor thing!! I hope I did NOT upset you!!
M sounds very understanding and supporting - I think it is natural to get annoyed especially since all this really started with the babysitter upset. You have a lot on your plate and you have a lot of stress right now.
I really think that PB has something wrong - some personality disorder or at the very least narcissism. Did you ever think he has aspergers? Because your description of him sounds like that. "All about adoring and taking care of wonderful me." - and they are usually brilliant people.
Just throwin' you some more encouragement and support here today, Queen? How are you doing today? In reading through the thread I felt my own blood boil- as I would be so angry with my ex for being like that. If only there was a way to prove narcissistic, irresponsible chronically late behavior and make him own to being worng and to get some control back.
I just feel like you have the right (we should all have the right) as a parent to know where your kids are going when they go off with their fathers. From the first day dd's dad and I moved apart I demanded that where ever he chose to live or partake in must be clean and safe and acceptible in my eyes as her mom. A judge might have laughed at me but I said it anyway.
It seems wrong to me that he can take the kids to Mexico without your 1) knowledge and 2) approval. I would want to know specifically what they do there, where they stay, the conditions, everything. Call me a control freak but I would feel just like you are- and this whole situation would have me feeling really upset.
Wish I could say more or come up with some advice. Hugs and thoughts coming your way-
Pages