outlook on life changed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
outlook on life changed
3
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 1:07am
I haven't been to this post in awhile. For those of you that didn't read or remember my other posts. I am a newly single mom of two. I was "the nice girl next door" and I am in the middle of a divorce from the only guy I have really ever known. As I had stated in the past, I am downright terrified of "going out there again".

Since my last post, my soon to be ex moved out and the kids and I are adjusting. I am just wondering if any of you have been through this and if what I'm feeling is normal?? Here is the catch though...the relationship that I am coming out of was emotionally abusive. I am going to counceling for this. I don't know though if how I feel is normal or if I may actually be jaded forever?

I used to believe in true love and a lasting relationship. I grew up all around it...but I certainly didn't have it and although I would not change what I have gone through and the two wonderful children that I have...I feel like I never, ever want to get remarried again. I used to look at people with this attitude and think to myself that it was so sad because they needed love so much and that all they had to do was reach out for it and it would be ok. (maybe I was too much of an idealist?) I used to feel sorry for people like that and now I am one of them!? I actually understand why people don't want to get married or people who want commitments and decide not to live together. Maybe I've been through too much and I'm scared because I don't exactly know where my place is going to be? I am a nice girl who can't go have meaningless male friends and play around, I just wouldn't be capable of that. I think it is a very rare female that can do that or the ones I hear about are really just a mess. I also don't see myself being completely alone for the rest of my life either...how is there an inbetween? I don't know if any of this makes sense but I would love feedback from anyone with experience.

I would love to hear if any of you feel this way sometimes and if how I feel is justified or if I have become jaded. Is it possible to overcome that and have faith in something real again??

Thanks,

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 9:41am
Yes, I've definitely been there, done that ((hugs))

You are NOT emotionally handicapped or incapable of love! You are wiser for your experience. You should be cautious and fearful of doing the same thing again. YOu are doing the smart thing by getting counseling so you can know why it happened the first time, and then you can avoid getting in another abusive relationship. BUT till you find out why, and are able to change your patterns, you would probably get into another similarly bad relationship if you "got out there" again.

Take this time to get to know yourself, to learn about normal, healthy relationships and to rearrange your thinking. It will be SOOOO worth it later.

I didn't date for 3 years after my divorce and I am so glad. I learned to know myself better and I am so much happier now because of it.

You're ok, you will be ok...just keep helping yourself.

Candi

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:17am
Hugs, give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. You've got some healing to do. I think your attitude is not that unusual. Happily married now myself, there was a time when I couldn't conceive of ever getting married again, thought that marriage itself was a stupid idea and even when I was falling in love, couldn't really believe it would last. And if you think I was bad, you should have heard my dh before he met me. He'd had women accuse him of being scared of commitment and he'd say "No, I'm Against it!" And for both of us a lot of it was tied to our experience with marriage. But we ended up with the kind of love that caused us to change our minds. We're both still pretty cynical about people that seem to be making poor choices, but we believe in our marriage and in some of the really strong marriages we see--we just went recently to a 25th anniversary celebration for 3 couples we know. And they all still seem to really love each other and enjoy each others company.

Anyway, big hugs and don't push yourself or feel guilty about how you feel right now. You're outlook will change if you're ready and in the meantime, that's where you're at. But, yes, there is hope.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:21am

((((Hug))))


I think you're VERY normal to feel jaded. Who wouldn't be? Having certain expectations and hopes and then having someone dash them is going to leave you feeling as though you've had your feet knocked out from under you.


I am so glad to hear you're getting some counseling to learn a little more about the choices you made and how to avoid that kind of a situation again. And for just plain old getting this junk and what your ex did to you off your chest.


Don't even WORRY about the fact that you're not interested in another man or marriage and commitment right now. That can be quite a ways down the road. Feeling that way now is normal, but I highly doubt that means you'll feel that way for the rest of your life. But I think it's very healthy to just shelve that idea and focus on taking care of yourself and being emotionally healthy when you're alone. The rest will follow, and it won't be forced and it won't be you feeling like you "should" want a man and so you'll just go find something.


Hang in there.

Becky

Becky