When I was in my 20s, I didn't care about dating. Men were everywhere, all my friends were single and I always managed to have a boyfriend. I had no knowledge of the mechanics of dating or courtship or relationships or the concept of "he's just not that into you." You dated someone and once you did, you were immediately exclusive without any thought to doing anything otherwise. I was even engaged twice before I was married. The focus back then was my career.
Now, since I am in my mid forties and divorced, I have obviously had reason to question many things and my situation is different. Why did a marriage fail? How can I avoid that again? Do I even want to get married again? I have read a ton of books and participated in the boards here so I feel more educated. I also feel that I participate in what I call "meaningful dating" meaning I am not going to waste time with the wrong person. I have developed a must have and can't stand list.
The dating pool for me has receded considerably since I was in my 20s. I now work at home and so I have to work to have a social life. Online dating exists now but in my mind it is a minefield full of people who are lonely or not really looking for something long-term. And dating now certainly doesn't mean that you are exclusive or will even go exclusive.
So, have I changed? YES! I am dating someone very nice now who is into me. But it is new, so while I like it, I also have the attitude that I have a great life no matter what happens and only time will tell.
I have learned to have patience and to go without a date for a long time. Because I don't want "MrRightNow" - I want MrRightForMe - someone who shows a real interest in me and is attracted to me and wants a relationship with me. I have learned that I cannot will this into being. Before looking for it, I believe you must have a very happy and full life so you can have a take it or leave it attitude with dating or you will go crazy and put too much emphasis on finding a man to make you happy.
To find MrRightforMe, it is a numbers game. You have to put yourself out there - look as good as you can and be active in a variety of activities and social settings that you like. And go online. Date casually until the right one presents himself. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You will reject and be rejected many times in this process.
Sure, it is great to flirt and show interest. But the man has to call and ask me out and want to push the relationship forward. He has to pay in this beginning courtship process or it means to me that his intentions are not where I want them to be. I have to have exclusivity before sex - that is not going to happen on the first date like it did sometimes in my 20s. And exclusivity is not assumed - it is COMMUNICATED! And after exclusivity, you have to let the relationship go at its own pace and go on with your life and let it happen or not happen.
I have learned that the other half of the love seat has to be taken up by someone who wants to be there and who wants to stay there. No amount of nagging or pleading is going to change what they want in their head.
I don't do anything different now than I did when I was younger.
I do know that my dating now is MUCH different, in my 40's and with kids, as
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I invite you tstephnic to share as well.
I'm 54 (yikes!), divorced for almost 8 yrs, out of a relationship for 2 yrs.
I have met a lot of great women off MySpace.
When I was in my 20s, I didn't care about dating. Men were everywhere, all my friends were single and I always managed to have a boyfriend. I had no knowledge of the mechanics of dating or courtship or relationships or the concept of "he's just not that into you." You dated someone and once you did, you were immediately exclusive without any thought to doing anything otherwise. I was even engaged twice before I was married. The focus back then was my career.
Now, since I am in my mid forties and divorced, I have obviously had reason to question many things and my situation is different. Why did a marriage fail? How can I avoid that again? Do I even want to get married again? I have read a ton of books and participated in the boards here so I feel more educated. I also feel that I participate in what I call "meaningful dating" meaning I am not going to waste time with the wrong person. I have developed a must have and can't stand list.
The dating pool for me has receded considerably since I was in my 20s. I now work at home and so I have to work to have a social life. Online dating exists now but in my mind it is a minefield full of people who are lonely or not really looking for something long-term. And dating now certainly doesn't mean that you are exclusive or will even go exclusive.
So, have I changed? YES! I am dating someone very nice now who is into me. But it is new, so while I like it, I also have the attitude that I have a great life no matter what happens and only time will tell.
I have learned to have patience and to go without a date for a long time. Because I don't want "MrRightNow" - I want MrRightForMe - someone who shows a real interest in me and is attracted to me and wants a relationship with me. I have learned that I cannot will this into being. Before looking for it, I believe you must have a very happy and full life so you can have a take it or leave it attitude with dating or you will go crazy and put too much emphasis on finding a man to make you happy.
To find MrRightforMe, it is a numbers game. You have to put yourself out there - look as good as you can and be active in a variety of activities and social settings that you like. And go online. Date casually until the right one presents himself. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You will reject and be rejected many times in this process.
Sure, it is great to flirt and show interest. But the man has to call and ask me out and want to push the relationship forward. He has to pay in this beginning courtship process or it means to me that his intentions are not where I want them to be. I have to have exclusivity before sex - that is not going to happen on the first date like it did sometimes in my 20s. And exclusivity is not assumed - it is COMMUNICATED! And after exclusivity, you have to let the relationship go at its own pace and go on with your life and let it happen or not happen.
I have learned that the other half of the love seat has to be taken up by someone who wants to be there and who wants to stay there. No amount of nagging or pleading is going to change what they want in their head.
You want to find out what's missing in over 40 dating?
How did your date go?
Curious older men want to know....
Hi Mark,
It went pretty well!
Thanks for sharing Mary.