overanalysing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
overanalysing
23
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 12:41am

Being a scorpio overanalysing just seems like my second nature. Everything seemed so perfect and I was just thinking today ..hey I am having PMs time and yet no problems.. We had a great day. cooked together watched some " sex and the city ( he doenst like it but kind of watches it for me)" cuddled and a friend of mine called.. we chatted for a long time. She was telling me her difficulty in finding a right guy and so on..


And then I was thinking Hey Biker doenst have any real friends.. I mean no one calls to chat with him.. May be guys dont do that ..call and chat on phone? He has been a bit resigned recently so hasnt made many friends outside of work . And he never keeps in touch with people on purpose and of course most of them are married and have kids so may e he felt left out and.. anyways I had told him that I would like for him to reconnect with his old friends and that would be good for us. I told him once before New year that may eb he should try reconnecting to atleast one or two friends every year.


Today again after I talked to my friend I realised that

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 1:29pm

Yes Scorpio's are known to be overanalysing kind. Biker is aquariaus.. and they are usually soem what detached kind of people.
He is a loner. But he doesnt rely on me for entertainment. He can keep himself busy. He is passionate about long distance biking and sometimes hiking. So all he needs is a bike. He reads a lot and his work involves lots of thinking..he can participate in group activities and go to one by himself. Just that he doesnt necessarily need any company. These days he does say that I wish you were here when he goes on busness trip but he wont call me constantly or anythin like that.

I am sure that if we break up he wont come crying after me or write e-mails to persuade me to go back even though I know he will miss my presence a lot.. I also know that he is not weak and wont come running after me. He will give me my time and let me do what I feel like. While he always say that I bring so much more meaning to his life which infact he never knew existed and he did say that after many years of biking there were times when he saw a couple working in the yard on the road side he felt that may be endless biking was less meaningfull than that yardwork.

He does give me all the importance I should get.. But he just can be alone and be really okay with it and not go after any woman to fill any void.
In a way it is good..but may be I secretly wish he was a bit more needy..lol.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 1:33pm
I can understand when dating a real "guy" type wanting a LITTLE more neediness! But, it seems he tells you all the right things. I think it's cool that he says you have brought him more meaning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 1:39pm

Do you think these 'ikers" are actually more neeedy than they show..lol.. I wish they were. I can understand Hiker being busy with kids and having no time. But mine is single and no kids..but his bikes were like his all in all ( he keeps them in one of the extra bedrooms so that they dont rust..lol.. I always make fun of him like do you make love to these bikes..).. and he loves to just bike long distance and think while he bikes..his job involves lots of thinking and research.

Well today I asked him if he really "needs" people. He said he doesnt need a lot of people. But that I bring so much more meaning and joy to his life and that I should never feel like he doesnt :need" me. He said that he will try to reconnect with some old friends.. eventually. May be I secretly wish he acted more needy after being with a super neeedy ex..

Is Hiker also an aquarian by any chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 1:41pm

Men aren't big phone talkers like women generally. My BF likes sports, he has friends he discusses sports with. Before during and after game time he has several friends and he'll have 1-2 minute conversations about the game. One time his friend was having a problem with his wife. I think his friend talked about it for literally 2 minutes and he said you gotta get outta there and go cool off man and then end of conversation. 2 women could easily talk for hours about relationship problems. Men are different. Accept him for who he is, I think it's wrong for you to ask him to work on having friends, either he's right for you or he isn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 2:35pm

Nope- he's not the aquarian... I am!!! So I guess that makes ME the loner, huh?!? (which fits, BTW) But I guess I can overanalyze like the best Scorpion, too (if what you guys say is true about scorpions) ;-) Maybe I'm more like a scorpion who likes water. LOL


Hiker is a Virgo (I believe- early September is Virgo, right?).


~shrimpy, about to head out for a date with Hiker, to watch the COWBOYS play!

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 2:49pm

I think the key here is that he is who he is, he is not going to become a gregarious social butterfly. You have to accept him for who he is, if it is a problem for you, then things won't work out. Trying to change someone else is a total lost cause and he will resent your efforts to change him. He'll see it as criticism.

I'm in the opposite situation, I'm a reserved person with many acquaintances but few close friends. I am comfortable in social situations, but I don't spend hours chatting on the phone with girlfriends. I just don't have the need for that kind of thing. M is very social, and he encourages me to reach out to old friends and spend more time with the ones I have here in AZ. But he doesn't push me to do it. He accepts that I am a more independent, loner type.

My X is also a loner, and in the beginning of our relationship we were one another's best friend. Over time, however, he began to see me as someone he had to compete with, someone he had to control, to change. He then transferred his need to have someone to confide in to a female co-worker. Disastrous results, obviously. I believe that one of the reasons I am really happy with M is that he is the opposite of my X in this regard. We are opposites, yet, the difference seems to be complementary. I'm not uncomfortable with his striking up conversations with strangers when we're traveling or at a restaurant. It's fun. And he knows I won't be competing with him to take over the conversation.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 3:51pm

This thread has lead to sort of an epiphany for me. Not only did I go for someone who is the opposite of my X in the socialibilty area, he did too. OW is quite the schmoozer, she’s also very needy and very manipulative. The total opposite of me and much more like his mother. Although OW tries to look more like me, she is not his physical type, and M is not exactly mine. PsychoBoy’s inate insecurity makes him feel threatened by someone like me who really doesn’t need him. He truely did not get that the only thing I allowed myself to need from him was love, not just the physical part, but the emotional intimacy as well.

M has done the same thing. His X is needy, terribly insecure, believes others are responsible for her happiness. I am just the opposite. He doesn’t have to be stressed that I’m going to freak out if we can’t see one another for a week.
So maybe it is critical that one be comfortable with the introvert/extrovert neediness factor. If you are more comfortable with someone who is more like you then ackknowledge it and stop getting involved with the guys who are the opposite. If what you really want is someone who is the opposite, sort of balances the scale, then stay away from guys who are just like you.

So now I have to wonder if M and I are truly a rebound kind of situation and eventually we’ll be dissastified with someone so opposite; or, have we finally found the right mix, because we initially went for the wrong type, being young and valuing the physical attraction more.

QueenBun, sucked into the overanalyzing whirlpool

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 4:09pm

I like Mark's questions for you and also everyone else's comments. One thing I did think of - was how is he when you are around your friends? Does he fit in? Or is he wanting to go home early? Does he mind you having friends.

At his age, it is not likely that many of his friends are going to have time for chatting if they are married and with kids. So I can see where he might not have them and be a chatty cathy.

And it did seem that when you went home with him to visit family that he got along with everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 4:15pm

Queen, You should not start now with this overanalysing. From what you said it does seem like you are comfortable with how M is and hopefully that will last for ever. It is interesting to compare our first and second choices though.
In my case myEx was so needy that when I was young I kind of liked the way he was.. so much into me (or so I thought.. now I realise it was so much dependcy and I got sucked up in that..). Now I can see that the last time we met I was so irritated by the same neediness and after all the time we have been together and felt how selfish he was.. So in a way I did the same you did. Choose exactly opposite kind of person. But I can still see some qualities of my EX similar to Biker - I know that they are some core things I always wanted in a guy and so they both have the essentials.. But now I can see what I didnt want..or what went wrong before... Also my Ex was a very talkative person and was so good with impressing anyone. There wont be anyone who wont say wow he is smart if they hear him.. We both were very similar in some ways. I am also good with people. But we didnt have the right chemistry that me and my quiet Biker now has.

I know that a totally needy person is not my type. Biker and I are very comfortable together. Just that I overanalyse things sometimes. I do not push him to make friends. I really do believe that it would make him happier to reconnect ( just a casual occasional e-mails ) with some old friends he had. For whatever reason ( I belive having been alone so long) he has just not contacted anyone. I was so happy when I saw how he was around his family. I know that I will get to see a side of him when he meets or reconnects with his old friends..who from what he describes had a good time with. Between the two of us I am the more needy one perhaps. And he seems to point out quickly what he doesnt like and I suddenly realise how balanced he is and I am making all efforts to change that unhealthy side of me. For a long time after my Ex it was hard for me to believe that a guy who is not needy can be in really love with you. Being with my Ex my world had changed so much that I equated his neediness to love.. How bizzare that when you are in a unhealthy relationship for a long time it makes it hard to understand a healthy relationship.

We did talk about it today and I told him what I meant in a non PMSSy way ;-). And he did agree that I have a point.. At some point he will talk to his old best buddies ( which would be less than 5 people..) may be when we get married or so.

We are expecting heavy snow tonight and when we met today he says softly " I got clothes to change so we can sleep be together when it snows".. He is sweet ;-).

~ anyone else want to overanalyse ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 4:24pm

Yes he does fit in well when we are with my friends. My friends are also mostly serious people talkative or not. He enjoys listening to what we say. He talks less but he is sharp with words and sense of humor. He never has any problem if he has to be with my friends or if I want to go visit my friends. He gives me total freedom.

So yes liek you said he wont be chatty with his old frineds.. But I think he will feel better when he reconnects with them..May be an occasional e-mail or when they visit this area we meet them.. I know I will get to see a interesting side of him when he talks to his buddies from late 20s and 30s when he was in University. I just sometimes feel I missed seeing him in his 20s and 30s.. How he was .. Was he different..I was so happy to see all his pictures when we went to his parents and one of his nephews look just like him and I couldnt stop looking at that kid and talking to him . He is like 18 yr old.

Oh well I have him now at least. Why am I thinking abt his 20s an 30s.. Sometimes I think about how it would have been if we were in highschool together... and we talk about imaginary things we would have done back then..lol