Overanalyzing/Insecurities.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Overanalyzing/Insecurities.......
13
Thu, 09-25-2008 - 12:07am

Every time we have a small disagreement,

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-25-2008 - 1:09pm

As you noted yourself that this is your childhood speaking to you and emphasizes the adage of wherever you go, there you are.

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Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 09-25-2008 - 3:14pm

Hey Mom uk...


I'm a POSTER child for how childhood family stuff can effect who you are today. You are wise to see it... that is how you can overcome it.


I never knew why I reacted and felt like I did until I went through counseling in my twenties. Suddenly I got it.. I realized that I lost myself in an attempt to keep my mom happy...I had to please her emotionally/mentally, be HER rock, and like you I had to walk on eggshells or else deal with the emotional blackmail/abandonment and wrath of my mom. I thought it was normal until I had counseling and then realized I had become a MAJOR people pleaser in life... because I felt that if I am not perfect or cater to anyone's needs they will leave me.


I sense that is a bit how you are too. And you feel that if you are not perfect he will leave. It comes from that people pleasing thing..a worry that we have to be that way.


I bet that your Mr Laidback is not even thinking about these things like you do. I often worry also...but I am learning to let go if that. Think of it as a visual...that he is a duck and things that you think would bother him actually roll off his back like water off a ducks back. That is probably much more likely the case than him feeling upset. And if he was upset, he would tell you, right?


It comes to a point where you learn to trust in each other to communicate problems I think. I know from experience its hard to not read into it... and think there is

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Thu, 09-25-2008 - 4:17pm

I have had my own personal battles of 'I bet he changes his mind about me over this' thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 09-25-2008 - 6:10pm

Hi Mom uk,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 09-25-2008 - 8:31pm

Geez, I am so glad I am not the only one who does this. I always thought I had a great childhood, despite my parents divorce, because I was raised by an awesome stepfather. But with help recently, my therapist pointed out that I became a people pleaser because while growing up, my brothers behavior was SO awful, that I went to the opposite extreme to "help" my parents. It made so much sense.

I get SO worried that I am not perfect for the person I am with. I analyze every word that comes out of my mouth, so much so that I am sure that I don't convey my true personality when I meet someone. My good friends know my quirks and just ignore me, or tell me when I don't need to worry.

It gets so hard because I would love to be laid back and patient because I am sure that is why I am not succeeding in the love department. I probably come off as neurotic, which I hate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 1:34am

For me, I held a fear that things were too good to be true.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 1:18pm

I know what you mean...I've dealt with that voice in my head that is pretty self critical and in the past expecially..always questioning the person I am, what I am saying, atc.


I've learned through this relationship with BE... it has been good to learn to be myself and see what happens. He has not turned away or left me for it. Sometimes I turn into a basket case, sometimes I am insecure, sometimes I lash out and blame him, and the whole time he stays with me and rides out the storm. He gives me the space to be me with me fearing he will leave. I've never had that before. I think its because I give him the same space and freedom to be himself- I'm not looking for perfection.


To finally let down that guard and to accept one another faults and all, that is a big step and one that lets us be free to relax a bit and enjoy each other. I know you will get there too :o)


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
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Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 3:47pm

I remember hearing/ reading somewhere that our insecurities come back when we're more prepared to deal with them... so the things you buried as a child are back now because you do have a strong relationship and ability to work through them...


Just a thought...


I would suggest a journal to log your thoughts/ feelings


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 3:43pm

so the things you buried as a child are back now because you do have a strong relationship and ability to work through them...


Al


I have not heard this before - but it makes perfect sense.


the journal is an excellent idea - thankyou, I will try to start that.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 3:47pm
thankyou Mark for your understanding and thoughts.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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