OMG girl... you weren't kidding about the DRAMA, were you??!?
I bet your guy was freaking out, wondering where THIS came from??? But I'm glad you have had the chance to talk and clear the air a bit. I'm glad you see how unreasonable it was, to expect him to respond to everything the way YOU would want it to- when he can't read your mind! And if birthdays and Valentine's or holidays are not a time for showy things... he surely wouldn't be thinking along the lines of what you were expecting. At least you guys now know. That's a huge step in working through this kind of thing.
I used to be like you... just not quite as dramatic though- but I used to want the "show" of things for my birthday. I used to get upset at old boyfriends if they didn't do what I thought they SHOULD do...
But now I've learned that people will do what they do, and people will show you love in THEIR language, in their own ways. And I've learned just what you said at the end of your post: Now that I think about it, he gives me really special treatment everyday..unlike others who cared for only special days. I now believe that I'd rather be treated nicely (not necessarily with gifts!) every day rather than just on some ONE day out of the year. Sure, it's nice to be recognized on my birthday, and not forgotten- but it just doesn't have to be a big deal.
Expectations... such the bane of relationships!!! When you start to have expectations that the other person has no clue about- that's when things can start going wrong. Now that he knows what you like for special days, hopefully he will know better, what kind of things to do for you next time. But you can't expect him to know that already, if you never told him what you liked or wanted... or expected. But also- now that you know that birthdays are not a big deal to him... you know NOT to expect a big deal when birthdays roll around. Just because he doesn't think that way.
I know my Hiker isn't a big card-giving person. I know we've moved through several "special days" where I might get him a card for the event, but he wouldn't get me one. So while I AM a big card-giver, I don't get mad at him for not getting me one- because that just isn't who he is. I just keep on sending him cards for things all the time anyway... because that is who *I* am. It just wouldn't work for us if I got mad at him for not sending a card, or if he got mad at me for sending "too many" cards. KWIM? We are just who we are, and neither one of us should change this, since it really isn't a big deal.
I really think a big plus with stuff like this, is to just have an understanding with each other. And no more getting upset at your differences and expecting the other person to read minds!
Happy Birthday a bit early! I'm glad things worked out despite what drama happened before.
Hi, I wanted to tell you about this words of affirmation thing. I showed him the Chapman book and we read few pages. I explained to him that I like to hear words of affirmation ..He was like.."I always say , you are beautiful"..thats true, he cant stop saying that and he loves to take me out and if I am well dressed he will be looking at me with such wide eyes and keep on complimenting.. But there are certain things like intelligence where I really needed to hear from him..Mainly coz he knows my work and he is very smart, I always wondered what he thought about me that way. He did say recently that I am much more smarter and well rounded and intelligent than him ( which of course is not true) and that when I talk about work I exude confidence and knowledge.. It was a HUGE thing for me to hear that from him.
Hi Shrimpy, Thanks for your wise words. I think this is a learning curve for me. Probably this is the first relationship where I am experiencing true love like that between a man and woman. I was so long stuck in a relationship where all my lovelanguages were met ( words of affirmation -In a huge way , gifts and , friendship) with total lack of physical attraction and the coldness assosciated with that. I always thought sex is nothing, he loves me.. Then I started realising slowly how it was not "real love".
I am on counselling to come out of that completely. I didnt go for counselling since I feared that counselling would take me away from my past- I was so attached to it. I was not able to move forward with anyone due to my past. Now my current guy is so attracted to me physically that it is a surprise for me to even know that I am so desirable and he is crazy about me. He loves to do things for me and these are all new for me. He is so selfless and would do anything for me.
I am learning to be in a normal relationship and grow up.
You and Hiker seem to have great relationship. I am also a card giver and my guy is not as much. But I dont complain..unless it is my Bday..lol..as we have just seen :-). But he did have a card that read " People say it is hard to quantify love, but I have calculated exactly how much I love you .. infinity +1": which ofcourse he tore off..lol. He promised me to get me that same card again ..lol.
I was in tears after I opened that.. well thats coz of my PMS.
Pages
OMG girl... you weren't kidding about the DRAMA, were you??!?
I bet your guy was freaking out, wondering where THIS came from??? But I'm glad you have had the chance to talk and clear the air a bit. I'm glad you see how unreasonable it was, to expect him to respond to everything the way YOU would want it to- when he can't read your mind! And if birthdays and Valentine's or holidays are not a time for showy things... he surely wouldn't be thinking along the lines of what you were expecting. At least you guys now know. That's a huge step in working through this kind of thing.
I used to be like you... just not quite as dramatic though- but I used to want the "show" of things for my birthday. I used to get upset at old boyfriends if they didn't do what I thought they SHOULD do...
But now I've learned that people will do what they do, and people will show you love in THEIR language, in their own ways. And I've learned just what you said at the end of your post: Now that I think about it, he gives me really special treatment everyday..unlike others who cared for only special days. I now believe that I'd rather be treated nicely (not necessarily with gifts!) every day rather than just on some ONE day out of the year. Sure, it's nice to be recognized on my birthday, and not forgotten- but it just doesn't have to be a big deal.
Expectations... such the bane of relationships!!! When you start to have expectations that the other person has no clue about- that's when things can start going wrong. Now that he knows what you like for special days, hopefully he will know better, what kind of things to do for you next time. But you can't expect him to know that already, if you never told him what you liked or wanted... or expected. But also- now that you know that birthdays are not a big deal to him... you know NOT to expect a big deal when birthdays roll around. Just because he doesn't think that way.
I know my Hiker isn't a big card-giving person. I know we've moved through several "special days" where I might get him a card for the event, but he wouldn't get me one. So while I AM a big card-giver, I don't get mad at him for not getting me one- because that just isn't who he is. I just keep on sending him cards for things all the time anyway... because that is who *I* am. It just wouldn't work for us if I got mad at him for not sending a card, or if he got mad at me for sending "too many" cards. KWIM? We are just who we are, and neither one of us should change this, since it really isn't a big deal.
I really think a big plus with stuff like this, is to just have an understanding with each other. And no more getting upset at your differences and expecting the other person to read minds!
Happy Birthday a bit early! I'm glad things worked out despite what drama happened before.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Hi, I wanted to tell you about this words of affirmation thing. I showed him the Chapman book and we read few pages. I explained to him that I like to hear words of affirmation ..He was like.."I always say , you are beautiful"..thats true, he cant stop saying that and he loves to take me out and if I am well dressed he will be looking at me with such wide eyes and keep on complimenting.. But there are certain things like intelligence where I really needed to hear from him..Mainly coz he knows my work and he is very smart, I always wondered what he thought about me that way. He did say recently that I am much more smarter and well rounded and intelligent than him ( which of course is not true) and that when I talk about work I exude confidence and knowledge.. It was a HUGE thing for me to hear that from him.
Now he is getting much better
Hi Shrimpy, Thanks for your wise words. I think this is a learning curve for me. Probably this is the first relationship where I am experiencing true love like that between a man and woman. I was so long stuck in a relationship where all my lovelanguages were met ( words of affirmation -In a huge way , gifts and , friendship) with total lack of physical attraction and the coldness assosciated with that. I always thought sex is nothing, he loves me.. Then I started realising slowly how it was not "real love".
I am on counselling to come out of that completely. I didnt go for counselling since I feared that counselling would take me away from my past- I was so attached to it. I was not able to move forward with anyone due to my past. Now my current guy is so attracted to me physically that it is a surprise for me to even know that I am so desirable and he is crazy about me. He loves to do things for me and these are all new for me. He is so selfless and would do anything for me.
I am learning to be in a normal relationship and grow up.
You and Hiker seem to have great relationship. I am also a card giver and my guy is not as much. But I dont complain..unless it is my Bday..lol..as we have just seen :-). But he did have a card that read " People say it is hard to quantify love, but I have calculated exactly how much I love you .. infinity +1": which ofcourse he tore off..lol. He promised me to get me that same card again ..lol.
I was in tears after I opened that.. well thats coz of my PMS.
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