I think you have 2 arguments or even 3 going right now. The most important one is your own argument - is he worth it and capable of being a good and sober stable partner? And the other two are with him regarding communication and his drinking/partying.
I think you should pull back and give it time and think more. Will be curious to hear what you say about Alanon.
I guess though that you have to start somewhere and talking to him and voicing how you feel is a start. Because then you can see how he is going to react and what he is going to do over time.
Oh PacSun. I really feel for you in what you are going through. I am so glad BE was open to listening to your feelings and that you were able to get them out. I know how important that can be. I do worry for you though. Would he be reevaluating his life if you werent asking him to? The person who drove me into therapy was an ex of mine I had been with for 2-3 years and boy does some of your story just ring so familiar to me. Just the negotiation and reactions of it all sound familiar. By the end of our relationship he would have agreed to anything I had to say because he quite simply didnt want to lose me. I saw the best in him and could visualize his potential and he needed someone to do that for him. He promised he would go to therapy and although there was no drinking he was stuck on a number of levels and would not move forward with any commitment because of them. He never went to therapy. He had this other life with his buddies and I wasnt ever comfortable inside it because I felt like I knew him in a different way. He didnt have a history of relationships past his divorce so it seemed with family and frends, there was a huge question mark and bets on my head. He talked about working through our issues but he was just watching me to see when my resolve would lessen and then he could relax. I know how harsh that sounds but he later ADMITTED it was true. He also admitted that there was something about me that he felt was very light and healing and that he truly thought just by virtue of being with me and loved by me, his problems would dissipate. As romantic as that might sound, I had to end it. Then later I met SYB and with each day we spend together I feel more and more silly for having stayed as long as I did. I lived a good portion of my life loving that person and he is better for having been loved by me. I was on the other hand broken in half over it and still struggle with it at times because he lives down the street! Have you ever asked yourself whose heart will be better off for having known the other if you should break up? I remember the pain of my many breakups with my ex and then the final one as well. The issues were ongoing, they were never resolved. I couldnt take it anymore finally and ended it but it was the hardest thing I have ever done for sure. If there is to be a future, IMO he really needs to want these changes on his own, not as a requirement for your future together. Space is a great idea and taking steps back are too. He needs to know this isnt just a lull but an entirely new chapter between the two of you, you know? Ginormous HUGS over there....
Hugs, PacSun, I'm in the minority here,but I see this as at least a step towards some kind of resolution. BE did listen. He did try to acknowledge your reality. He admits he knows he has his own issues that need working on. And sorry, but the whole making a scene thing, I totally can't deal with drama in public and PsychoBoy was a real trial in that regard, so I can relate to BE on that one. Only you know what is enough for you. Only you know if the good outweighs the bad. I agree that focusing more on you, developing your own life separate from BE, is a good step to take. Distance can either prepare you to end this or it can give each of you a better perspective, some objectivity without the intensity of emotions clouding your judgement.
Perhaps everyone has an opinion and perhaps you are exhausted and tired of all the different two cents... I know that I was when I was with an alcoholic... whenever I left him, I heard all the negative opinions about how I didn't give him enough chances... when I got back together, I heard all the negative opinions about how I should leave him... It drove me insane actually...
I hope your Alanon meeting went well... did you have a good cry.. if so, then it went VERY well... And if it didn't go well, I hope you find another one and keep searching until you find the support group that's right for you... Because I believe everyone needs support and we are not meant to tackle big things alone.....Again I pray for you PacSun... I pray that you find peace!!!! find a good group that you keep going to week after week. Let the healing begin AMEN!
Here's the thing... as much as he is addicted to alcohol. YOU are addicted to him. As much as he goes back and forth, stopping and binging.. codependents do the same... we go back and forth with him, stopping and binging on
Pacific... it's cool that our local paper today has an article about disc golfing. And there's a tournament coming up April 12 here! I thought about you for sure!!!
I disc golfed in college- but it wasn't official, as with the baskets and all that. It was just a bunch of us pointing out certain "targets" that we're supposed to hit with our frisbees as we made our way across campus. Most of the time, it was a certain tree or light post.
But one of our local HUGE parks actually has the baskets set up for disc golfing, so that's cool. I should try it out sometime, just for fun.
My thoughts are with you PAC. I know the emotional yo-yo you're on. I'm glad you are holding your own. My ex was like this and as you know my summer guy was like this. I think the worst for me of the whole drinking thing was the the hurtful things they would say and do while they were drinking and then wouldn't remember what they said or what they did. Not to mention the smell...especially the day after smell. Ewwww!
Thank you's really don't cut it. I wish I could take you all to lunch today and hug every one of you!!
AlAnon was OK. I will have to give it another shot next week. I was pretty quiet and I was the only "newbie". I was not comfortable sharing yet so no good cries or anything. I would like to go again to see what develops. I did relate to some stories and found myself nodding and saying inside "yeah, boy do I know that feeling".
I felt a little bit odd, part of me still on the fence, wondering if MY situation is really as valid. I mean the people last night spoke of horror stories of loved ones actively abusing hard drugs, children running away, addicts relapsing over and over. I just don't know if I am "there" yet. But I'll go again before making any decisions about it.
I love every post from every one of you. I love every perspective!! Thank you- ALL!!
This is my DD's birthday weekend (officially tomorrow..she will be 11). I'm taking her and 8 friends to the roller skating rink, 70's stlye disco skating night tomorrow! I made plans to do this party with Blue Eyes long ago and so that is still on. Also he had bought all three of us concert tickets to Duran Duran on the near future we still plan on going together.
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I agree with Steph.
I think you have 2 arguments or even 3 going right now. The most important one is your own argument - is he worth it and capable of being a good and sober stable partner? And the other two are with him regarding communication and his drinking/partying.
I think you should pull back and give it time and think more. Will be curious to hear what you say about Alanon.
I guess though that you have to start somewhere and talking to him and voicing how you feel is a start. Because then you can see how he is going to react and what he is going to do over time.
I do worry for you though. Would he be reevaluating his life if you werent asking him to? The person who drove me into therapy was an ex of mine I had been with for 2-3 years and boy does some of your story just ring so familiar to me. Just the negotiation and reactions of it all sound familiar. By the end of our relationship he would have agreed to anything I had to say because he quite simply didnt want to lose me. I saw the best in him and could visualize his potential and he needed someone to do that for him. He promised he would go to therapy and although there was no drinking he was stuck on a number of levels and would not move forward with any commitment because of them. He never went to therapy. He had this other life with his buddies and I wasnt ever comfortable inside it because I felt like I knew him in a different way. He didnt have a history of relationships past his divorce so it seemed with family and frends, there was a huge question mark and bets on my head. He talked about working through our issues but he was just watching me to see when my resolve would lessen and then he could relax. I know how harsh that sounds but he later ADMITTED it was true. He also admitted that there was something about me that he felt was very light and healing and that he truly thought just by virtue of being with me and loved by me, his problems would dissipate. As romantic as that might sound, I had to end it. Then later I met SYB and with each day we spend together I feel more and more silly for having stayed as long as I did. I lived a good portion of my life loving that person and he is better for having been loved by me. I was on the other hand broken in half over it and still struggle with it at times because he lives down the street! Have you ever asked yourself whose heart will be better off for having known the other if you should break up?
I remember the pain of my many breakups with my ex and then the final one as well. The issues were ongoing, they were never resolved. I couldnt take it anymore finally and ended it but it was the hardest thing I have ever done for sure.
If there is to be a future, IMO he really needs to want these changes on his own, not as a requirement for your future together. Space is a great idea and taking steps back are too. He needs to know this isnt just a lull but an entirely new chapter between the two of you, you know?
Ginormous HUGS over there....
Hugs, PacSun,
I'm in the minority here,but I see this as at least a step towards some kind of resolution. BE did listen. He did try to acknowledge your reality. He admits he knows he has his own issues that need working on. And sorry, but the whole making a scene thing, I totally can't deal with drama in public and PsychoBoy was a real trial in that regard, so I can relate to BE on that one.
Only you know what is enough for you. Only you know if the good outweighs the bad. I agree that focusing more on you, developing your own life separate from BE, is a good step to take. Distance can either prepare you to end this or it can give each of you a better perspective, some objectivity without the intensity of emotions clouding your judgement.
Hugs again
QueenBun
Perhaps everyone has an opinion and perhaps you are exhausted and tired of all the different two cents... I know that I was when I was with an alcoholic... whenever I left him, I heard all the negative opinions about how I didn't give him enough chances... when I got back together, I heard all the negative opinions about how I should leave him... It drove me insane actually...
I hope your Alanon meeting went well... did you have a good cry.. if so, then it went VERY well... And if it didn't go well, I hope you find another one and keep searching until you find the support group that's right for you... Because I believe everyone needs support and we are not meant to tackle big things alone.....Again I pray for you PacSun... I pray that you find peace!!!! find a good group that you keep going to week after week. Let the healing begin AMEN!
Here's the thing... as much as he is addicted to alcohol. YOU are addicted to him. As much as he goes back and forth, stopping and binging.. codependents do the same... we go back and forth with him, stopping and binging on
Hi Sweetie,
I'm glad you were able to 'say what you needed to say'.
Pacific... it's cool that our local paper today has an article about disc golfing. And there's a tournament coming up April 12 here! I thought about you for sure!!!
I disc golfed in college- but it wasn't official, as with the baskets and all that. It was just a bunch of us pointing out certain "targets" that we're supposed to hit with our frisbees as we made our way across campus. Most of the time, it was a certain tree or light post.
But one of our local HUGE parks actually has the baskets set up for disc golfing, so that's cool. I should try it out sometime, just for fun.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
"Your identity does not depend on his understanding of how you feel.... or his admission to his problem .. or his apologies. "
Wise words, Loony!
My thoughts are with you PAC. I know the emotional yo-yo you're on. I'm glad you are holding your own. My ex was like this and as you know my summer guy was like this. I think the worst for me of the whole drinking thing was the the hurtful things they would say and do while they were drinking and then wouldn't remember what they said or what they did. Not to mention the smell...especially the day after smell. Ewwww!
One day at a time Pac.
Thank you's really don't cut it. I wish I could take you all to lunch today and hug every one of you!!
AlAnon was OK. I will have to give it another shot next week. I was pretty quiet and I was the only "newbie". I was not comfortable sharing yet so no good cries or anything. I would like to go again to see what develops. I did relate to some stories and found myself nodding and saying inside "yeah, boy do I know that feeling".
I felt a little bit odd, part of me still on the fence, wondering if MY situation is really as valid. I mean the people last night spoke of horror stories of loved ones actively abusing hard drugs, children running away, addicts relapsing over and over. I just don't know if I am "there" yet. But I'll go again before making any decisions about it.
I love every post from every one of you. I love every perspective!! Thank you- ALL!!
This is my DD's birthday weekend (officially tomorrow..she will be 11). I'm taking her and 8 friends to the roller skating rink, 70's stlye disco skating night tomorrow! I made plans to do this party with Blue Eyes long ago and so that is still on. Also he had bought all three of us concert tickets to Duran Duran on the near future we still plan on going together.
" there aso many hotties who play! Mostly young guys though"
Nothin wrong with a little eye-candy. It does a body good! LOL
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