Parking with the engineer ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Parking with the engineer ....
39
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:46am

;)

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Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:38pm

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 12:52am

If you read my

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 2:34am

"And I think the wife is to blame here as well- because she's not pushing the kids to be with their dad. I wouldn't care what happened with my ex, I wouldn't allow my child to be like that with their father."

Really? Walk a few feet in my shoes and I know that you'd be rethinking that statement.

I know plenty of situations where a kid won't have anything to do with one of his/her parents after a divorce, my S19 is one. Trying to force a relationship between my son and his father would be the absolute worst thing to do. Even meerly encouraging the glimmers of hope I'd see from time to time backfired big time. The relationship between a kid and each of his/her parents is a relationship between those two people. They are the ones responsible for working out whatever issues led to estrangement.

My X loves to claim I am responsible for his lack of a relationship with our son. He refuses to accept any responsibility for his own direct and really horrific behavior toward our son. No, not physical or sexual abuse, but rather constant criticism, sarcasm, belittling, pitting our boys against one another, trying to get back at me in ways that directly and negatively effected our kids- S19 in particular. He tried to have the kid arrested for taking his birthday present from his dad's house to my house. This is a decent, empathetic, talented, athletic, all around good kid well liked universally by every adult who has met him- except his own father. I am the one who put our boys in counseling to IMPROVE their relationship with their father. Their father fought me tooth and nail to prevent them from going to counseling.

In Rlch's E1's case, it could just be the kid was at a really sensitive point in her development when the divorce happened. It is common for older kids to take sides. In the situation where the kids spend as much time with one parent as they would when home schooled, it isn't the least bit surprising that one or both kids would side with mom and blame the parent who filed, Dad, and harbor a great deal of anger towards him. Family counseling and counseling specifically for this girl would do a world of good. If E1 is asking for counseling, then I doubt he has a whole lot of skeletons rattling their bones in the closet. Of course, Rlch will have to see how it all unfolds and whether or not it is a NEXT type situation for her.

I strongly believe that kids must gradually learn to be responsible for the results from the choices they make. That process starts well before the teen years. I also strongly believe that when one does harm to another person, one owns up to it (regardless if you think the other person is "over reacting"), apologizes, and does something to make amends. That basic rule of behavior goes equally to kids as it does to parents. My son has learned he cannot expect anything of the kind from his father. He chooses to protect himself and his mental state by avoiding contact with his father. His counselor fully supports his decision.

QueenBun, getting off the soap box and handing it back to Soonee who can research the totally bunk parent alienation syndrome- no real science to it, doesn't hold up in court

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 2:58am

Hey, glad to hear you had a good time. And yes, all this whoo hah about his relationship and financial arrangements with his X is putting the cart before the horse. Have fun with the guy, it's just a freakin' date.

M has issues with his X constantly hitting him up for more money. She is not doing enough on her own to be self sufficient and his bailing her out is actually just doing her more harm than good in my opinion. Yes, it really bugs me when I see someone being milked through manipulation, so when M complains to me about the situation all I say is "just say no." He rationalizes, and I repeat, "If you can't afford it, just say no". His big worry, and the ax she holds over his head, is the perception his daughters will hate him, or blame him if their mother can't maintain her overextended lifestyle. If we were to start talking marriage he'd have to get that situation under control. I'm not supporting her with my income, and I'm not supporting the both of us so he can give her all his income. It's not the evil girlfriend changing everything, it is the fact that I have assets I worked long and hard for, so any guy who wants to meld finances with me has to be stable. I think a lot of this will all get resolved once their girls are both in college. Paying for college will be all he can afford, his x will be on her own.

If you've read my post to alison above you know I don't put too much worry into the kid being at odds with E1.If it comes up again, encourage the counseling approach. The kid obviously has issues to work out with her reaction to the divorce and her parents aren't the appropriate people to deal with that. They are part of the problem. she needs that impartial person to just let it all out, get validation of her feelings, and learn to cope with the emotions that come from the divorce for kids. I also believe that when a parent feels guilty about wanting the divorce, the kids pick that up very quickly, and naturally blame that parent for their own anger about the situation.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 6:46am

I too completely agree with you on the idea that OFTENtimes its NO ONES fault - especially with teenagers, you cannot force a kid to have a relationship with anyone, even a parent - NOR - can you force them TO have a relationship.

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 6:56am

I know!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 8:58am
That sounds wonderful chickie!!!!!!!!!!
 
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Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 9:35am

Rebecca,

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Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 2:16pm

I think it's great that you at least got together and now you can cinsider moving on to another date, or not. I see the flags the others have mentioned but at the same time a few more dates to evalute those flags and more won;t hurt- if you see potential.


LMAO

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-31-2008 - 3:08pm
Thanks! Its true that those things shouldnt make anyone stand in teh way of appreciating the other good things about someone. Thanks!

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Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

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