A Peek at the Other Side

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
A Peek at the Other Side
7
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:50pm

Interesting reading, to see what Askmen.com might be telling the men who read the articles online:

Common Mistakes in New Relationships

The first year of a romantic relationship carries a lot of power. By the end of that year, the tenor of your relationship is established, as is your quality as a partner. She'll pretty much know if you're lazy, a pushover or uncaring in the long run. That's why in the first year, it's important to watch your behavior around her. Don't set her expectations too high, and don't try to fit her mold of the perfect boyfriend. This applies to the entire year, be it in the first, third or 10th month. Here are the 10 biggest mistakes men make in that most critical year.

10. You shower her with gifts
Many men equate spending money on a woman with making her like him more. Buying her many, often expensive, presents or getting her something for every occasion, no matter how trivial, is a deadly mistake. It suggests a man has little to offer other than what's in his checking account. Worse still, the woman may begin to expect gifts from him all the time. Close your wallet and give her something priceless: yourself. Furthermore, you shouldn't always pay on dates. It's the age of equality. If women expect to be paid the same as men, they should expect to pull their own weight as well. Being a gentleman is fine, but don't spoil her by footing every bill.

9. You spend all your free time with her
There are two major dangers with this one. First, you forgo your social life, which you need to maintain for your own well-being. If you don't see your buddies anymore, you should be worried. Remember, they may not stick around forever. Second, you smother her own personal time, which she also values. This formula will easily make you sick of each other.

8. You let her make all the plans
Not only do women dislike men who can't take initiative, they actually hate taking it themselves. Shirking all the decisions on to her does not emit respect or an easy-going attitude. It shows lack of backbone. Go ahead and choose what to eat, where you'll go and what you'll wear. There's a fine line between compromise and indecisiveness.

Learn to say "no" sometimes. Maybe you want to spare her feelings; maybe you want to avoid her wrath; but both are poor excuses to become a pushover. If you disagree with something, you have to tell her. If you don't like something, it's not right for you to "take it." Before you know it, you'll be her lapdog and her personal chauffeur. And all you'll earn is derision, not respect.

7. You meet friends and family early on
It's unavoidable: whenever you meet her friends or family, your every breath, move and word will be under close scrutiny. It's a mistake to get to know those close to her before you know her well enough. Establish a comfortable rapport with her first, and you'll be more at ease when you meet them. Just as important, don't let the friends and family influence your relationship. Let them learn to like you in time.

6. You don't come clean about your past
Whatever skeletons you're hiding, they'll come out sooner or later. You should tell her of any addictions you have had or still have, if you've been married, if you have an STD and so forth. Granted, this doesn't all need to be revealed at once.

5. You avoid confrontation
Communication is often the solution to solving problems, so if you avoid talking about them, they'll only get bigger. A small argument now is much better than a painful fight later. Avoiding confrontation also means agreeing with her dismissively but not sticking to your word. For instance, if she says, "Don't fart around me," and you say, "Okay," mean it.

4. You take her for granted
In order to keep the glow of a relationship alive, seduction needs to be a lifelong effort. One of the biggest traps men fall into is getting too comfortable with a woman. You stop taking her out on dates. You no longer care about your appearance. You stop being attentive, ignoring details about her and missing important things she may say in passing. If your woman is special to you, show it. Always treat her like it's your first month together.

3. You always initiate sex
A man should show initiative chiefly outside the bedroom. When it comes to sex, it should be an equal game. Don't let the burden of starting sex fall entirely on you. Coax her into bringing out her inner beast once in a while. She may even discover a roaring sensuality she never knew she had, and enrich your sex lives that much more.

2. You forgive all her mistakes too easily
She should be on her best behavior during your first year together, so you shouldn't let her annoying habits slide. She will get used to them, or worse yet, make them even more grating. If not shaving her legs irks you, let her know. You should never tolerate annoying behavior, such as screaming at you or making fun of you in public. If you sweep it all under the rug, it will blow up eventually.

1. You tell her you love her too soon and too often
These three little words demand a prodigious amount of frugality, lest they become meaningless. Yes, women long to hear it all the time, but its overuse will jade even the most demanding of romantics. Save it for very rare occasions; make her beg for them. And only say them when you really, really mean it.

A yearlong effort
Maintaining a good relationship demands work and attention, and that means attending to yourself as well. Making the mistakes outlined here can set a precedent in your relationship and potentially jeopardize its success in the future. So be alert and start off on the right foot.

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As a woman looking in, what do you think of this advice to men? On target or way off? Somewhere in between?

~shrimpy, surfing online articles as the Copy/Paste Queen tonight

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 8:31am

I am laughing - it even sounds like it was written by a man! I think by nature, men tend to be "minimalists" - meaning the minimal amount of effort for maximum amount of benefits received. So it was sort of funny/cute to me.

But on the other hand it had good points for us, too. I would want to know if I had annoying behavior and for the guy to tell me. And I don't think a guy is expected to buy a lot of stuff for me. But on the other hand this tells us that what we see the first year is important and not to overlook things or sweep them under the rug along the way. The advice can apply to us, too!

Glad you posted this, Shrimps, can't wait to see what everyone else has to say. It always is so interesting to me to see a thread posted and to see how all of us collectively find a lot of different things to see and discuss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 11:09am

This was good shrimpy. I had to laugh at some of those. :) I do think it is a good guide for guys because I have had plenty that did those things when they shouldn't have. lol I think I am always afraid that the guy I am dating will take me for granted and I know I got this from my marriage. I worked my butt off to make his life easier and never was appreciated for it. Oh, and any gift that I got from him, he would talk about how expensive it was. We even had conversations where he told me that he always spent more on me than I did on him when special occasions came up. Well, helloooo, he made 2-3x more money than I did! I never told him what to buy, he just did it. Now I don't even WANT gifts from guys because I'm afraid they expect something in return and I'm not able to do that most of the time.

Anyway, good article! I think that this is similar to what we have to do too though...not say I love you too soon, keep our own space and own interests, giving into what they want to do all of the time....

Thanks for letting us see how the guys have to deal with new relationships! :) This just backs up what Judy said about men being normal human beings and not making them the centerpiece. :)

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 1:03pm
I agree, good article and applicable all around. AskMen.com has some interesting stuff!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:27pm
I'm the same way regarding gifts. I dread birthdays and Christmas. My BF and I both have birthdays right after the holidays and Valentine's day in between. Uggggg. He's really into the gift giving too and of course makes more money. I can't afford what he can by any stretch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 4:06am

I liked the content of this article, but the tone bothered me a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:01am
I think there's some good advice, but there's a lot of stereotyping women there, too. I'd like to think that most men can see through some of that crap, but too many rely on stuff like that to tell them how to act! I guess the advice was good, but the tone was too much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 3:05pm

As a male I have no problem with the tone and context of what was said in the article. The tone is the way that men often relate to each other, which is the intended audience for the article. Men are often direct and clear with our choice of words with each other as that is what we understand and accept as part of our day-to-day living. I saw nothing in the article that was specifically demeaning towards women.

There is an interesting comment in the first item which is part of a real challenge for men these days - "It's the age of equality. If women expect to be paid the same as men, they should expect to pull their own weight as well."

The challenge is that it can be very difficult to understand where equality starts and stops. Frankly, most men are looking for a relationship that is equality-based and mutually-beneficial. What we see is that equality exists across all areas of life with the exception of dating and relationships. In dating and relationships, women want to be treated as "special" as there is no real benefit for a woman to be an "equal" in dating and relationships. The thing is - as men we want some special treatment in return too, and this doesn't just mean sex either. We want you to be an active participant in the relationship so that both people are doing things for the better good of the relationship rather than the better good of themselves.