Personal sex ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Personal sex ?
9
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 2:41am

I have been dating for a while since me and my dd's father broke up, but haven't had sex with anyone I have dated.

I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 3 months....he was working up north these past months, but is moving back this week so we can really be together. He came down for a week before Christmas, and we kissed, but kept everything very PG-13.

I'm totally falling for him, and vice versa, and we have been talking every day (numerous times a day). He's very sweet and isn't all about sex, but I know that I want to go there with him, and vice versa. My problem is that I haven't had sex with anyone other than my ex since my dd was born, and I haven't even had any sex in almost a year.....I'm NERVOUS!!! I have lost all the baby weight (my dd is almost 2), and I'm really happy with my body...except my breasts, and down there just seem different to me, and I'm not very happy with either, lol. I don't really want him to see either. I kind of tore a bit towards the front (no stiches needed, but it does look different, and not as good as they used to)....I just feel kinda icky about it. My ex didn't notice, or care, but it was his dd. I don't have low self-esteem, but I do feel self-conscience. He doesn't have children himself either, and I think that that kinda almost makes me more worried too. I know this is something I need to get over.

I'm just wondering if anyone else felt this way, or was nervous about having sex the first time outside of your relationship with your child's father, and how you dealt with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:00am
I think what you're feeling is really normal. I felt the same way, but have gotten over it. I guess realizing that I'm desireable to my SO is what made me realize I really had nothing to worry about.
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:06am

I totally agree with fivesense.

The past few years I only felt good about my body with my clothes on. Until recently, I hadn't had sex since my ex-H during my second pregnancy about 3.5 years ago. Although I am slender, I haven't lost all of my baby weight because I was in really great shape before. I've torn and been stitched twice and have stretch marks on my tummy, my breasts, and my hips. I've known HN for a long time so I think that helped me feel comfortable. However, once I felt desired by him my anxiety went away almost instantly.

Your guy cares about YOU. When the two of you are ready - he isn't going to mind
the little things that make your body unique.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:53am

Your BF sounds nice!

I think all of your fears will fly out the window in the heat of the moment - because he is not going to be scrutinizing you the way you do and he likes YOU for YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:37am

I haven't read ahead, so forgive me if I repeat anything someone else has said.

Guys do not honestly care about the little things. A guy who is really into you and likes you for you will like your body because it's yours.

As far as the way you view your body- don't worry so much about it. He's never seen your pre-baby body, so he won't know the difference, but he will pick up on any insecurities or self-consciousness.

We're all human, and have flaws. I have stretch marks, scars on my abdomen from surgeries, sagging breasts, cellulite,... and you know what? None of the guys I have ever been with has ever mentioned any of these things. I don't dwell on it and if I'm comfortable enough to be having sex with a guy, I'm comfortable enough to be doing it with my body, the one I have now.

They pick up on how into them and the moment I am, and how uninhibited I am. That's really more attractive than a perfect body but loads of self esteem isuues.

Moody, not concerned overmuch about minor imperfections


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:55am

Oh how I can relate to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 2:57pm

I tore in front like that too. I was worried abotu being "loose" etc. Was never a problem.

Don't sweat it. All the other posters are right.

Just enjoy it. Turn all those nerves in to sexual energy and let it out...

Have your room illuminated by a candle or two if you are nervous about imperfections. They make skin look perfect and it's a romantic touch.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:36pm
The candle is a GREAT idea!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:35am

Thank you ladies sooooooo much!!! LOL....I was really nervous to even kiss my boyfriend (I had kissed a couple guys between my ex and my current boyfriend), but my boyfriend's was THE sweetest kiss I ever had, and once we were actually kissing I wasn't nervous at all...I'm sure it will be the same way with sex (hopefully anyways, lol).

I was with my dd's dad for about 3 years, and we had AWEFUL sex right after I got pregnent too...he was really selfish, and it was all about him quickly getting off and then we were done. So I haven't had "real", or meaningful sex since the night my dd was concieved. Me and my current boyfriend are already closer than me and my ex ever were, so I'm sure it will go fine...and once we are in the moment it will be amazing.

I also talked to my friend tonight who was a single mom....and she said she had the EXACT same worries too before the first time her and her boyfriend (now husband) had sex....she made me laugh pretty hard, and I feel a whole lot better.
Plus I think I'm pretty excited to have meaningful sex again....I'm going to try to look at it as a fresh start, and a new beginning. :)

Thanks again ladies!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:35am

Your worries are normal, but really, its TRUE what they say .... once a man has you naked & is ready to have sex, BELEIEVE ME, they are NOT looking at your flaws.


I am seeing someone who never had children & every once & a while in bed I think "Oh man, my stomach is SO bad ... it HANGS! & my boobs? A whole nother' story! lol"

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