The phone call....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
The phone call....
6
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 6:40am

So I have learned to follow most of what you ladies have told me. I try to contain my feelings but this is all new to me. I have always heard that you have to follow your gut feeling and so today I did. Basically after thinking things through and reading the responses to my last post I thought that I was pushing her away and forcing her to make a choice that she really didn't want to make with regard to the dinner date and show.

I called at 130 and got voicemail asking her to call me back. 5min later...the conversation.

To sum it up I told her that the date on Saturday before she leaves doesn't have to happen even though I would like it to. Since I was inexperienced at the whole thing I mentioned that I thought she was telling me no in so many subtle ways but it took me some time to realize it. I apologized for pushing the date on her considering all that is on her plate. I realize that she is leaving on the 16th now as opposed to the 1st of June which came as a suprise to her (the early leave date suprised her). I told her that I had felt bad and that I thought it was somewhat unfair for me to burden her with my emotions when that is not really her problem, its mine. I realized that she is still not over her ex and that things are complicated right now. As I had told her before I would help her move. I emphasized that if I was forced to make a choice right now I would much rather have her as a friend in my life than nothing at all. I made it clear that I was here for her during her transition as a friend and that I would help her in anyway that I could. I also told her that maybe when the dust settles and perhaps we see eachother again things might be different and maybe something can come of what we have, either way I was ok with that. I also told her that I thought it was unfair of me to ask her in the bar a week ago what kind of future she saw for us. Here I was hanging out being a friend and probably the last thing on her mind was a future between us. I told her down deep (to help me with my own emotions) it would be nice to know if she knew one way or the other. I said, I guess what I am really trying to say is that if u know for sure that its a no, I can accept that and I think I would be better off knowing; however, if u truly don't know and things just are hectic right now then I understand that too and don't expect that you would be able to answer. I also added that I guess what I have really learned is that I really can't make u feel the way I do and I am coming to grips with that.

She responded by saying that she thought I was being too hard on myself and that she thought It would be fun to hang out once she got situated. She didn't answer the future question and nor did I really expect her to unless she said NO. She ended the conversation by saying thank you and I appreciate the phone call.

I felt alot better after this conversation and I don't really plan on avoiding her at work or otherwise. At the same time I am not going to go out of my way to find her at work and no I am not going to give her a card or anything of the sort. I am simply going to back away and face the reality that maybe things just aren't ever meant to be. This way I can prepare for the worst and if things go well then I will be the luckiest person in the world blessed with an incredibly beautiful person. Deep down I think she really doesn't know what she wants and I think she is reeling with the pains of the last 5 yrs with the ex. Maybe things will be different and her moving is probably the best thing that could ever happen. I might call her in a wk or something if I don't hear from her, but really what are your thoughts about the next couple of weeks before she leaves? What about her going away party?...should I make an appearance, say hello to her and then leave? Maybe I shouldnt attend although she might be offended by that. Here I am trying to play hard to get in a kind of way, and that I have never done either. Ultimately will she appreciate my honesty in how I feel towards her?

Snow, I too am a true believer in fate. If things were meant to be, things will happen. I guess waiting is the hardest part but I think someone once said, "good things come to those who wait".

You all have been tremendous in helping me out. I will keep u updated but nothing will happen in the near future I think. This has been a tremendous learning experience for me so far. I realize I have made alot of mistakes but its hard when u lead with your emotions, it takes time to really get a grip on those. I guess the two biggest things I have learned is first, maybe I shouldnt wear my emotions on my sleve so much and second, I can't make someone feel the way I do. If anyone has further thoughts or comments about something I should have learned from this, pls feel free to let me know.

ACES

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 7:19am

But why did you feel the need to call her and tell her yet again of your feelings for her?? I thought you were going to leave it a few days. I know you are trying by saying to her that you understand she isn't ready for anything but again, you are putting pressure on her by then saying "I also told her that maybe when the dust settles and perhaps we see eachother again things might be different and maybe something can come of what we have, either way I was ok with that". So in one breath you are saying you are fine with being friends but then straight after you tell her you are still living in hope which basically is telling her that you arent able to just be friends. To be honest, if I was her, I would be getting a little bit annoyed with these constant declarations of love. Its quite smothering in some respects and would be making me uncomfortable.

Anyway, as for the party, if you have been invited, then you should go. Dont spend the whole time trying to have another serious conversation with her, just try being light hearted and fun, talking to her AND other people.

"I will keep u updated but nothing will happen in the near future I think"

So again, you are still holding out hope that you two will get together, even though she always avoids questions regarding you two being an item in the near future. She is a very friendly lady but I really think you have to try and grasp the concept that she isnt looking towards you as anything but a friend.

I know its hard especially as you have such strong feelings towards her but if you continue as you are, you could end up annoying her and maybe losing your friendship too which would be tragic. I know you think you are doing right by explaining all your thoughts and feelings to her but I honestly dont think this is the right way to go.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 7:42am

You know, Aces, I totally know how you feel and what you are going through. It is hard when you like someone so much and then just don't know how they feel. If they said no it is easier to forget than if you are left wondering. You handled this so well - it is really impressive and it shows your intelligence and capacity to be a really great guy. I am sure all of the women melted when they read how well you articulated your thoughts and emotions. You are very genuine and kind.

Hope springs eternal when we want to see something a certain way. I just experienced this first hand with my coach. We got so close because we spent so much time together. We really clicked and really got along well. I just found out that his new room mate is a former girlfriend who is a room mate with benefits. I don't think he really loves her but they are just comfortable with each other and she was down and out and needed a place to live so he helped her. So I had to make a decision not to see him anymore because I have to get over him. It is really hard to give him up as a coach because he helped me a lot with weights and running and cycling and swimming - but I just have to move on. But I did let him know exactly WHY I made this decision.

What Snow says is so true - her thought, "if it is meant to be it will be" is so true!! At first after I told this to my coach I tried very hard to go online and find someone new. But now I am not doing that. I want to let fate take its course and lead me to the right person. I am training with a new coach and group of people. I am getting a full time nanny so I can be a little more social and travel to races. I will meet the right person at the right time for me by doing what I love. No more OLD for me right now.

So, I think you can do the same. If you can find someone that special once, you can find another one again - and have it be the right timing for both of you. And you never know maybe she will come around? Or maybe my coach, too. There is hope for all of us, right?

Thanks so much for visiting our board. We have been lucky to have a nice guy here and we see what it looks like when he is, "that into you." We all want one like you!! You will make the right person very happy.

Keep in touch if you get any updates or ever want to post here. You are always welcome on our board.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 10:23am

I think you are doing well with all this and have the right attitude. Like I said before
you never know what might happen in the future and of course if it's meant to be it will.
I think you should make an appearance at the party and wish her well like you would any other co-worker.

The right woman will definately come along and snatch you up, of that I'm sure.

Good men are special and rare.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 11:11am

Aces,
You have given all you could to this woman at this point in time. She is very clear on what she wants. I totally know how you feel, as I'm sure every other woman on this board can relate to you.

I think you need to move on. Gosh, that sound so ice cold but reading all of the posts since the very first one you've posted, it just sounds to me like she is just not ready for a wonderful, honest, loving, sincere, fun, genuine guy like you. (I could go on and on, but won't ;) You have exhibited such gentleman qualities, with such panache', frankly my dear, you are destined for much grander women.

I know that's not what you want to hear, and I appologize for being so blunt. Like you, I am honest and open. I've been in your shoes, many times....and you do get burnt, but I've never regretted any of them...(hmm.. ok well maybe 1 out of my many years of dating (I'm 39) ) Like snow and the rest, I too believe that EVERYTHING good or bad happens for a reason. And to add to that, It happens for the BEST. Even if it's not what you want it to be...

You Prince Chamring will find your Cinderella, Snow White or any other princess out there who will take you, and soak you up. Because you my friend are a rarity. Please believe the women on this board (moodygreeneyes, wink wink) when they give you compliments. They know a GEM of a guy when they see one! :)

Take care of YOU....and keep us posted.. or heck, just hang out with us....I'm sure we all enjoy a males point of view...

BEST
Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 12:21pm

So, Aces, there's this guy I had a MAJOR crush on. He seemed sort of into me, too, but kept giving me very mixed signals. So, I analyzed every conversation, email, and meeting. I posted here about him. I asked my friends about him. I asked him about him. I asked myself about him.
Then, I realized I wasn't as into him as I thought I was. You know what it took to get me to realize that- another guy being into me. And another. And another. This guy simply fell off my radar. I didn't need his wishy-washy ways and confusing signals. I still like him, as a friend, and if he had been at a different point in his life, we might have been able to make a relationship work.
BUT, he isn't, and we couldn't. I still haven't found the right guy for me, Aces, but I have found out that he isn't it. At least not right now, and probably not at all. He's fun, a nice guy, and great to be around. He's a friend. I'll probably always have the hots for him and wonder what could have been, at least a little bit. Luckily, I can control myself. A least a little bit. The funny thing is, as soon as I stopped caring what was up with us, he started contacting me again. Just little things, and I honestly don't care- because I KNOW he's not ready for a serious relationship with a person like me. So, what could have been an awkward thing has turned into a cool yet casual friendship.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, this girl is NOT the be-all and end-all to your world. There is a girl out there more compatible for you. I know it, just as I know there is a guy out there more compatible for me.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 12:42pm

Aces,

I also think that it was really nice of you to call and talk about things. It gave you and her more definition on where you stand and that you are sympathetic to her. I think it was a really nice thing to do and you handled it very maturely. I can't really add much more since everyone else has said a lot of the things I was going to say. :P

Go to her party! There's no reason not to go. Seriously! You wouldn't skip any other friend's going away party, why would you skip hers? :) I know you are already in the frame of mind to be able to go without expecting anything.

--snow, fellow drinker of the water from the spring of eternal hope (sigh)