Playing catch up
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Playing catch up
| Thu, 09-20-2007 - 12:25am |
This board is so busy! I feel like it would take me quite sometime to reply to all of them. And it's funny how a lot of everyone's situations, past and present, reflect my own.
Just today, I found myself thinking of Kat contemplating a move back to her family and at this point I'm ready to get away from mine. Since Sunday, I have found myself in the middle of a big back-biting fest with my family. I'm ready to wash my hands of the whole thing.
I think sometimes if I moved away from them I would be alot better off and a totally different person to the good actually.
Emma- going to pretend for quite a while that she doesn't live around her family

Hi Emma_b2,
I know what you mean. I think you can take heart that most families have their ups and downs and dramas. Sometimes I feel like I am 5 years old again.
I did read somewhere that once we learn to manage our families and set boundaries and show them what is acceptable and not acceptable for treatment then we can also manage other relationships in our lives better, too.
My mom and sister are real close - they are very similar and always have been. I used to feel very hurt and like the third wheel and let it bother me. Now I simply accept it and don't take it personally. And I pick and choose what to do with them. I manage it much better and this has given me a lot of confidence and a sense of peace with the situation. I am not afraid to say no or to just do my own thing.
Of course I don't know your circumstances so maybe this won't even hold true for you. But I do understand your frustration.
I think there are pros and cons for both situations. I live in another country from my parents (they're in the UK, and I'm in Switzerland) so when they do come and visit, they tend to stay quite a while. I am a firm believer that short, quality time is far better than a long time on top of each other. That sounds saucy! LOL.
No matter how many times we end up fighting after a week, my parents still don't seem to get it - that they would be far better coming over for a long weekend than for hanging around for a couple of weeks. It makes me feel bad, cos they try to be so helpful around the house, with the kids, etc., but I just like my life and my routine, and I don't want to be accommodating for such a long period of time. It kind of frays my nerves.
I sometimes feel it would be better if they did live nearer, as I could pop in for a coffee from time to time, or vice versa, and there would be less pressure to be entertaining. Saying that though, my parents are kind of "give them a finger and they'll take the arm" people, so it probably wouldn't work out like that. They are retired, so their whole focus is on me and my family, and while I do understand that they want to be involved as much as possible, I also need room to breathe.
I think it all depends on how good you and your family are at setting limits, and respecting them.
I sound like a super-bitch... I hope you all understand what I mean though...
Clem xx
I think we posted our replies at almost the same time, Judy!
I am heartened to see that you think the same thing as me about limits/boundaries. I feel less mean now!!
Clem xx
Isn't it interesting that for us to finally learn to set boundaries that are healthy and necessary- we are thinking we are being 'mean' or 'being a bitch'??!? Although I haven't read the book about finding your inner bitch- I just think that is a HUGE thing for many women. To just learn to "be a bitch" when we're overly nice- and actually finding that balance that is simply necessary to be healthy. Because being overly nice for years on end- isn't healthy! It's being a people-pleaser and you end up losing yourself and get walked on!
But I do try to "be a bitch" more now, too. Just because I have those overly-nice tendencies too- and I need to just set boundaries.
Way to go, ladies!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Amen to Boundaries!!!
I've been a grateful christian in recovery for codependency for 3 years. It's a wonderful thing when i stopped trying to please everyone and say "yes" to everyone... when i finally learned about Boundaries ... how to detach with love... etc
Loonybunny
Update on my family fiasco. Here are some basic facts about the situation:
1. In my family (six of us kids all being over the age of 40) there are two camps.
2. Two of my sisters hang together and a brother and a sister hang together.
One of my other brothers leans toward one camp more than the other.
I like both camps and spend equal time with each.
I have to mention also at this point, one brother in law, husband to one of the sisters in the 2-sister camp that the other camp doesnt' trust.
3. Seven years ago my parents put me on their powers of attorney.
4. My dad went to three of them individually with a financial situation that needed to be addressed by all and told them not to say anything to anybody. It came out in the open last Sunday that dad had done this. To say the least, the camps started getting suspicious of the other. The head of the two camps at the moment dad called should have told my dad that the other camp needed to be involved in the situation.
For me, I felt obligated to my parents to make sure their wishes after they're gone were being followed and I wasn't getting straight answers from either camp. The answers I was getting was sending up red flags for me. When I would ask my parents questions, they would skirt around the subject. By Wednesday, I had had enough of phone calls and emails from both of the camps, I suggested a meeting of the two camps and this was done this past Friday afternoon, and it all got settled. Both camps are involved in the decisions and that's the way it needed to be.
I decided not to attend this meeting which you are probably thinking I should have but I was so sick of the whole dam# deal. I talked with my mom yesterday morning, dad was afraid that they had made me mad and I was upfront with her that the way it was handled was what got to me. If they would have come to me in the first place (now going on 4 weeks ago) the meeting that took place Friday would have been held immediately, but instead I was the very last one to find out about the situation. I told her at this point, if something were to happen to either of them, I would be unwilling to serve as their POA and it would fall to the next one named because of all the secretiveness that went on with this situation. I will be so glad when all the new papers get drawn up. I made it clear to mom that it wasn't about WHO had POA it was how the situtation was handled that got the camps in an uproar. And I need to mention also, that in talking with my mother Tuesday she flat out said that she did not trust the brother in law. Throughout the years, both her and dad have said things to this affect. Add that to the fact that I was not getting straight answers from anyone.....what was I suppose to think.
Essentially, I decided Thursday night while tossing and turning in bed, to draw the line on how much bulls##t comes in to my life and actually I have the ladies that posted to my post the other day to thank for helping me make this decision. I am for now distancing myself from both camps because of the way THEY handled the situation and should have never promised dad to keep it a secret. I am so disappointed in them and I've pretty much told them that too. But, I'm not going to distance myself from my parents because especially in my dad's case, I may not have too much time left with them.
I am sooo glad this crap is over. I have taken myself out of the whole situation, I'm comfortable with what's being done (which I also assured my parents of that) so I guess I fulfilled my obligation to my parents.
I spent yesterday getting caught up on my sleep and today am getting caught up on MY life, which is my main obligation and it had been put on hold this passed week.
Emma---groovin with her OWN camp
Absolutely!: