Please help!! (Very long sorry!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Please help!! (Very long sorry!)
14
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:01pm

Hi Everyone! I'm new here and I am truly at a loss as to how to handle this situation and how to get my relationship with my boyfriend back on track.

My boyfriend and I have had this amazing connection since day one. We were kind of like magnets that were just drawn together and the chemistry between us is unbelievable. We have so so much in common and we have the best time when we're together and always make each other laugh. I have 2 small boys, and he has full custody of his daughter and we value family and have the same values and ideals.

The problem started this past week. He started talking a lot about our future, marriage and about moving in together. He even went so far as to call a realtor about a house we saw for sale and asked me to go to the open house with him on Sunday. What woman doesn't want to hear all this, right? So, of course I was very happy that he wanted all this and was ready to go with it. I was supposed to go to his softball game on Sunday with him and his daughter and then over to the open house, and he was going to call me Sunday morning to confirm that the game was still on and hadn't been canceled before I went to his house.

Well, Sunday morning arrived and he didn't call. At 11:00 I sent him a message saying good morning and that I assumed that since I hadn't heard from him that the game was canceled and for him to give me a call when he was ready to go to the open house. Again, no response from him. I finally hear from him at 5:30 that evening and when I question him on why he blew me off, all he says is that he was car shopping with his friend. I could then sense that something was way off with him, because this was just not like him. We have been inseparable since the 1st day we started dating...emailing, txting, and calling each other multiple times during the day. We would always start the day with a good morning text message.

So, I asked him again what was going on and he finally told me that he was freaking out and that I was moving too fast for him. Now this is where I got a little upset with him mind you due to the fact that I NEVER brought up any of the discussions about our future or moving in together or marriage. That was all him. So, even though I was clearly upset I said that was fine and we didn't need to think about all that stuff right now. All I want is to be with him and enjoy the time we have together. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can feel him pulling further and further away. He's not calling like he used to and now I'm afraid to say anything to him because I'm not sure if it's going to "freak" him out.

We talked a little bit this morning and now he says that he wants to start from square one again as friends who are exclusively dating and just take things one day at a time and see how things develop. How do I do that after sharing all the amazing moments that we've had and all the love that he's shown me in the past? How do I get this back on track?

I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces because I truly love this man and I know he loves me...but for some reason he is terrified all of a sudden.

Please help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:40pm

Well, I think it all just went way too much too fast too soon. It is easy for both of you to get caught up in the chemistry and the frizzy frills and all. So you are human. But now he is getting cold feet and wondering if that is right for him.

I think you need to take a chill and find something that can keep you entertained while he figures stuff out.

How long have you known each other?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:58pm
You're right...we moved really fast and got caught up in all the emotions. We've only been together about 2 months, but it just felt so right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:16pm

"We've only been together about 2 months"

Oh wow- that IS too fast for talking about moving in and marriage! Believe me- I know- because I got married at 6 weeks before. STUPID!!!!

Now I know better than to make any big decisions while the relationship is still new and in that 'high-voltage' great-chemistry time. That's why I am such a big proponent of taking things SLOW. Let the excitement and newness wear off before ever making any big commitments or decisions.

I don't know if what happened between you and your BF is going to end the relationship or not, but hopefully it won't. Hopefully you will be able to find a more comfortable pace that is MUCH slower and won't be setting off any alarms for either one of you. I think he might've gotten carried away at the 'craziness' of the new relationship (and how well it's been going) and mentioned all that marriage/moving in/buying a house stuff. But really- I think he shocked himself into realizing that was too much, too soon, too fast... and backed out on the open house plans.

Now, that SUCKED that he couldn't have called you and talked to you about it as a normal person when he realized that it wasn't a good idea to go see the house. It was a dropped ball on HIS part for leaving you hanging. But I don't think he is wrong for having second thoughts. Especially when you guys have been dating only 2 months.

Just keep on being honest with yourselves and each other. Don't be afraid of telling each other what you want, but be real about the time frame. Take your time in letting the relationship build, and I do hope you guys can find a way to back off a bit, without it feeling like you're breaking up. I don't see this being something you have to break up over... just slow down.

~shrimpy, loving the cloud-nines but keeping her feet on the ground at the same time

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:24pm

Thanks shrimpy! Everything you said make so much sense, and I know if we can put all this behind us, we could be an amazing couple someday. I kept telling him, I'll call him "K" here, we were on that perverbial "love cloud" and that we should not be discussing these things yet, but K was soooo convincing with everything that he wanted that I just couldn't not go with it. I just felt so loved and wanted.

I really do love this man, and I know he loves me just as much. I just don't know how to go about things now. Do I just go on as if nothing has happened, or do I not call him as much or what? I don't want to push him away, but I also don't want to deny my feelings or needs.

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:44pm

Well, I think the only thing you can do now is take a big chill and not push him. If he does want to talk about it you can laugh and say it was fun for both of you to get caught up in the moment but you really weren't pushing it or meaning for that to happen so soon and you are content to just wait things out and see how they go and if they are meant to be they will be.

I think the hardest part for you is to wait when the phone doesn't ring. Because you might have some of that based on what he did with the open house thing. But you can't try to push it or you will push him away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:52pm

OMG waiting for the phone to ring is the hardest thing in the world for me! I am such a control freak I hate the thought that I'm now waiting for him to be ok with us again and I can't do anything about it.

I figured if I just go about things as if nothing happened and just keep going about my life as normal, he'll realize that there's nothing to be afraid of and things will happen when they are supposed to. There's no need to constantly discuss what we want and when we want it.

Things were so easy for us before...now it feels like there's this big fat elephant in the room and I just don't know how to get him out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:58pm

What was the last thing you spoke about? Does he have a history of dating a lot of women? Or he is recently divorced?

I think you have to find something(s) to do to stay very busy so the phone's silence doesn't haunt you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 5:01pm

I think are always awkward moments when you feel like you have messed up. But if you really care for each other then you will get past it. Probably with light conversations and having fun. Do not act like you are devistated when you are around him. He is probably very worried that he hurt you and doesnt know how to proceed right now.

It is hard to slow down but it is very do-able. Maybe when things lighten up and you are past the awkward stage then you can have a talk about what you each veiw "slowing down" as. I think thats a reasonable conversation since you are redefining the relationship a bit. And he didnt seem like he wanted to break up at all, just realized the need for slowing down....especially since there are children involved. Every decision you guys make involves them too.

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:09pm

I am in the beginning stages of a wonderful relationship where we have had an amazing connection from day one. I get how you can be floating on a love cloud and everything's going so well.

While I think it's natural to think in somewhat general terms about a future- how else would you know if you WANT one with someone, I also think you should simply do as he's asked you to here.

I think if funnyguy were to start talking about buying a house now, I'd be freaked. It is a wonderful relationship, and I'm having a great time, but I also think it's way too soon to talk that seriously.

So, I think just stay busy, and act as if it didn't happen. Don't forget it, though, since this could be something that you'll have to watch for. If he continues to do the whole here one day, gone tomorrow thing, you may have to address it at some point.

Good luck, and welcome! Keep us posted.

Moody, not buying any houses


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:03am

In his Mars and Venus books, John Gray talks about how men are often like a rubber band.

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