Please help!! (Very long sorry!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Please help!! (Very long sorry!)
14
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:01pm

Hi Everyone! I'm new here and I am truly at a loss as to how to handle this situation and how to get my relationship with my boyfriend back on track.

My boyfriend and I have had this amazing connection since day one. We were kind of like magnets that were just drawn together and the chemistry between us is unbelievable. We have so so much in common and we have the best time when we're together and always make each other laugh. I have 2 small boys, and he has full custody of his daughter and we value family and have the same values and ideals.

The problem started this past week. He started talking a lot about our future, marriage and about moving in together. He even went so far as to call a realtor about a house we saw for sale and asked me to go to the open house with him on Sunday. What woman doesn't want to hear all this, right? So, of course I was very happy that he wanted all this and was ready to go with it. I was supposed to go to his softball game on Sunday with him and his daughter and then over to the open house, and he was going to call me Sunday morning to confirm that the game was still on and hadn't been canceled before I went to his house.

Well, Sunday morning arrived and he didn't call. At 11:00 I sent him a message saying good morning and that I assumed that since I hadn't heard from him that the game was canceled and for him to give me a call when he was ready to go to the open house. Again, no response from him. I finally hear from him at 5:30 that evening and when I question him on why he blew me off, all he says is that he was car shopping with his friend. I could then sense that something was way off with him, because this was just not like him. We have been inseparable since the 1st day we started dating...emailing, txting, and calling each other multiple times during the day. We would always start the day with a good morning text message.

So, I asked him again what was going on and he finally told me that he was freaking out and that I was moving too fast for him. Now this is where I got a little upset with him mind you due to the fact that I NEVER brought up any of the discussions about our future or moving in together or marriage. That was all him. So, even though I was clearly upset I said that was fine and we didn't need to think about all that stuff right now. All I want is to be with him and enjoy the time we have together. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can feel him pulling further and further away. He's not calling like he used to and now I'm afraid to say anything to him because I'm not sure if it's going to "freak" him out.

We talked a little bit this morning and now he says that he wants to start from square one again as friends who are exclusively dating and just take things one day at a time and see how things develop. How do I do that after sharing all the amazing moments that we've had and all the love that he's shown me in the past? How do I get this back on track?

I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces because I truly love this man and I know he loves me...but for some reason he is terrified all of a sudden.

Please help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:47am

Hi Ladies!

Thanks so much for all your input and advice! I really appreciate it. So, K and I are still talking but it's definitely strained and we kind of feel like strangers, but hopefully it will get better. Although, one thing I'm not happy about is that he put his profile back up online right after our fight the other night, and I tried to bring it up, but he just changed the subject on me.

I'm thinking that I'll just let him do his thing and see where things go. However, if he thinks I'm not going to keep my options open and date other men while he's on the fence, he's sadly mistaken.

By the way, I just had this great great GREAT job interview this morning! It went so well! They want me to come back next week and meet with the executive of the department so keep your fingers crossed for me!

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:32pm

Good luck, Deb!


Soonee, with fingers firmly crossed

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:10pm
Hey Deb,
didn't you say he wants to stay exclusive? If that's the case, why is he OLD?
I would suddenly take a break. Not call, not think about it, not pick up his call right away even if you are home, not call him back right away, etc etc . Best thing to do is just delete contact info on him. That will keep you from contacting him. Which is my biggest problem. I have this AWFUL habit of getting so wound up and so upset that I then email, call or IM, or anything. I have now learned to just delete, delete, delete so I am not obsessed and after awhile I keep myself relaxed. It seems once the contact information is gone they seem to be gone out of my obsessive mind. I still have a lot to learn when someone gets me totally upset, but I am moving forward and learning not to get myself upset and if I drive them away eventually I won't be contacting them anymore anyway. Right? So why not just leave them alone, before that even has to happen. Space and time can do wonders.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:30pm

He claims he wants to be exclusive...but in reality I think what he really wants is to still see whats out there and for me to stay exclusive to him because he's afraid I might find something better.

I also have the problem of obsessing over the issues we have and trying to keep our connection alive, I keep txting and calling him. I am trying so hard to just leave things alone at this point and let him make the next move, but being the control freak that I am I'm really struggling with that.

You're all going to think I'm crazy for saying this, but honestly this guy has been the best sex I've ever had...and I hate to let it go! Don't get me wrong, I really do care about him on an emotional level...but the physical part is AMAZING!! I wish I was one of those women who could just have sex and not get emotionally attached, but unfortunately they go hand in hand with me.

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