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Poll- Too complicated to use "Poll Mode"
| Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:05pm |
Hey All- Just had a question to ask...
Here's the scenario: Someone has dated many different people (we're talking over the past 15 years), and quite a few of the people they dated ended up cheated on them. Is it possible for this person to still be a loyal partner? I'm not talking about the case where they got cheated on, so they might as well "cheat" back... I'm talking about is it possible that they've had poor luck or bad choices in partners, but they themselves are the faithful kind?

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Someone has dated many different people (we're talking over the past 15 years), and quite a few of the people they dated ended up cheated on them. Is it possible for this person to still be a loyal partner?
I'm confused - are we responding about the cheater or the cheatee?
Hey Pooldiva- I think if someone had been cheated on, even several times, it doesn't automatically make them a cheater.
It might make them more hesitant to enter into a relationship, but I don't think it would make them more likely to cheat.
If anything, I would think, since they know firsthand the pain cheating causes, they'd be less likely to cheat on someone. But, that's just how I think, I guess, and everyone's different.
Moody- who doesn't really have any experience on either side of the cheatin' fence
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I am assuming that you mean a person had relationships where their partners always cheated on them - and you are asking if that person can be trustworthy because they got cheated on?
If they are the type that never cheated I would say yes you could probably trust them. BUT I would question other things. Like, their judgement on picking a partner because 15 years of the same pattern is significant.
If they cheated in retaliation, I would question their trustworthiness.
I would also ask what they are doing to be the cause of so many relationships going south - not that cheating is right - but why aren't their partners staying? The only reason I say this is because I know a person who has been divorced a long time and she has had quite a few partners cheat on her. She is a very selfish person who is controlling and manipulative and has a mean mouth so it kind of makes me wonder.....
I guess I would have to know more of the story - but those are my first thoughts.
My ex husband cheated on me and a few others as well. Not every relationship I had I was cheated on. I never have nor will I ever cheat on someone I'm with, if I'm that unhappy I end it! I do however have trust issues, I trust no one, that's one of many reasons why I'm not interested in ever re-marrying or living with someone.
So if you're asking can someone experience the pain of betrayal and not be
forever changed,it's highly unlikely.
If you're asking if someone who does the cheating, can ever change- Hell NO!
Once a cheater always a cheater! My cheaters (unknown to me at the time) have
never been faithful to anyone they are with.
Yes, you are right in assuming I meant "a person who has had relationships where their partners always cheated on them"
It just amazes me that after going through a few partners that cheated on him.... that he is able to trust people... He has told me that he has learned different lessons each time... Like one time he realized that he hadn't tended enough to the relationship and that contributed to its failure... then in the next one he overcompensated and paid too much attention and that didn't seem to help sustain the relationship, etc...etc... So I'm glad to see that he takes responsibility and is not like the last string of guys I dated who all blamed the women (and didn't have anything nice to say about them)...
I myself have chosen several "bad for me" guys who ended up cheating on me but the difference is that I DO HAVE trouble trusting people... I think I also picked those people because I had a fear of commitment, and low self-esteem...
I'm judging based on the same situations I myself have been in... I realize I am being a hypocrite but I can't seem to kick myself... LOL! I guess I am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that he is such a positive person (where I am negative thanks to my mother's influence), and that he is so open and loving with me... I know I should see this as a good thing, but I've had so many unhealthy relationships in my "track" record that I don't know what healthy is! I know my gut is telling me to trust and that this is different, but my mind is still trying to analyze away and find out what could be WRONG... Why did I get so lucky to find this caring man? Or am I disillusioned?
I think his job might have contributed to the way his relationships turned out... He is in the army and has had to pick up and move several times and in doing so did not have much choice but to do the long distance relationship thing...
Anyhow... I think I'm feeling better now that I've written this down SMILE!
Free right to slap me silly... if needs be...
PoolDiva
You bet it is possible!! My guy has been cheated on several times. I can tell you that he would never do that to me or anybody else. Sometimes people take advantage of goodhearted, honest people. So, I feel like it definitely could be bad luck or bad choice of partners.
Also, I was an Army brat for the first 12 years of my life. I have dated 2 guys in the miltary. It is a very difficut thing to keep a long distance relationship going. It is ever harder when they are deployed to a war zone. Dating a military guy is not for the faint of heart! You may have alot of alone time when he is gone. You get lonely. Some women can handle it, some can't. So, that could definitely be a factor in why he was cheated on.
The only thing you can do is remember that time will tell. You will eventually get to know him well enough to see what his character is.
There is a really good board on Ivillage for dating a military man. I used to be an active member. They have some good advice and lots of support. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlmildating&nav=start
A good book you may want to read even if you are just dating is "Married to the Military"
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&endeca=1&isbn=0743255542&itm=8
Stephanie
Edited 5/4/2006 10:59 am ET by texas_mom1991
Edited 5/4/2006 11:03 am ET by texas_mom1991
I wholeheartedly disagree with "once a cheater, always a cheater"
When I started dating and realized that I had no idea what a healthy relationship was, I also realized that without that understanding I had a very low chance of picking a suitable partner and creating a healthy relationship with them.
I stand corrected, your post reminded me that sometimes there are some deep emotional circumstances (usually with women) as to why people will cheat. I can't say it's right
though as from the perspective from someone who was deeply hurt by it. The cheaters
I was refering to were the serial cheaters, my exh still and always will cheat on whom
ever he's with until he acknowledges that he has a problem, he'll always do it.
As far as the gentleman about whom this post is about, the only concern that I have
is perhaps he's not as positive as he lets on. I'm guilty of doing that sometimes
myself. It's not that I'm being fake mind you (not a fake bone in my body), it's just
sometimes I am stronger about it than other times. I work extremely hard at working to put it all behind me, and he's probably doing the same, but take it from me, no matter
how many years pass, deep down inside that pain is always there. There's a chance
because he is a male and they process pain differently that he may be surpressing
all of his hurt and pain. This unprocessed hurt may manifest itself in some other
form in the future(anger,mistrust;etc). The only advice I can give is to go slow
and really get to know him; be on the alert for any potential red flags. If any do
come up in the future, talk to him about getting counseling (from the outside).
Good luck.
very good points!
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