Poll- Too complicated to use "Poll Mode"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Poll- Too complicated to use "Poll Mode"
20
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 5:05pm

Hey All- Just had a question to ask...

Here's the scenario: Someone has dated many different people (we're talking over the past 15 years), and quite a few of the people they dated ended up cheated on them. Is it possible for this person to still be a loyal partner? I'm not talking about the case where they got cheated on, so they might as well "cheat" back... I'm talking about is it possible that they've had poor luck or bad choices in partners, but they themselves are the faithful kind?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:31pm

First I wanted to say thank you to all of you who responded! It gave me a lot to think about, and gave me a renewed sense of hope!

For Jennie, I want to say a special thank you for putting what I've been feeling all these years into sentences (because I couldn't have put it better if I had tried!)... Your paragraph outlines me completely! Especially the part that I didn't want a great guy that treated me right out of fear that he'd wake up one day and decide to leave me! With the "bad for me guys" I did feel a sense of comfort and security having a sense of certainty that they WOULD hurt me and/or leave me... Or I picked guys I knew needed ME, and were dependent on ME, because then I was in control and I WAS the one who decided to leave or stay... Little did I know that we all have the power to decide whether we want to leave or stay... It's a matter or whether we feel the need to use it or not...

I also picked people that couldn't love, and it was my job to be different, to prove that they could love someone. ME. If I could get them to love me, then ANYONE could love me... Then I could have a guarantee!! But, over the years, I have learned to see that life has NO guarantees!

I feel scared to "hope" because then I feel too vulnerable and I'll feel like I am investing my time and not knowing the outcome! Like I'm scared to bring up the topic of marriage because I almost scared the answer will be YES... because then I'll have the feeling like I'm biding time waiting for the inevitable to happen (them leaving me or cheating on me)...

I cried when I read this, "sometimes the guarantee of pain is easier to accept than to hope for bliss and then be horribly disappointed"... That's the truth... This is how I still feel somedays... Like go ahead and hurt me already! Let's get it over with!

After crying and reading it again I feel a sense of relief... It makes me feel a little better to see what I've been doing all this time and maybe I can now make a conscious choice to change my old ways...

Thank you again! I am trying my best to benefit from exploring the feelings I have and where my insecurities come from. I hope that I soon will make a better partner! Like they say, the only person you can change or control is yourself!

I'll keep you all posted...

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:53pm

It makes me feel a little better to see what I've been doing all this time and maybe I can now make a conscious choice to change my old ways...


YES, YES, YES!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 7:18pm
Sure is possible. I've been through the wringer more than once with a cheater and I wouldn't dream of hurting someone like that. I also follow a strict creed about NOT dating married men. I know I could never cause the pain I went through to another woman. There are enough single men out there, no woman has to mess around with someone elses. This goes for the guys too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 7:35pm

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I resent the implication that I have done something wrong because I was cheated on. I was the victim and yes, I made a few bad choices where men are concerned but that doesn't mean I was responsible for their actions!
Take my marriage for instance- Am I responsible because my EX decided he wanted to sleep with my sister? Does that also point a finger at me because he started sleeping with younger heavier women? How is that my fault?
And yes, I made a bad choice by dating a man fresh out of a relationship that he soon went back too - and didn't bother to inform me that he had done so- but how did I cause that?

I don't agree with stereotyping. Once a cheater, always a cheater doesn't ring true. Some people actually settle down when they find the right person and never cheat again, on the otherhand, some are lifers.

I think the best way to guard against being victimized by serial cheaters is to get to know the person before you commit to them. Ask questions and listen to that "uhoh" voice we all have. If something seems fishy, it probably is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 8:39pm

But he could be picking women that aren't compatible with him, not caring for them or doing his part in the relationship, or on the flip side where the women aren't willing to do their part to care for him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:12pm

Oh dear - that is huge pain for you. We have another poster here and the same thing happened to her where a guy went with the sister. NO - I don't think this is your fault in this case.

Did you see red flags in the beginning or soon after that made you say "uh oh"? Are there things we should watch out for?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:29pm

This has turned into such an interesting thread - there are so many angles.

I just found a statistic that shows that more than 50% of all spouses will be the victim of infidelity. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I guess I was surprised at that - but there is much to read on the subject.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:28am
I had no red flags at all with the husband till the end when I started piecing things together. We always had lots of friends and they were family friends, not gender specific. I had guy friends and he had girl friends. What I didn't know was he had a social life outside of our social life.
It all ended in counseling, it was like termites, literally. You see the first one and when you go hunting, you find the nest. He never said he was sorry for the affairs, only for losing his family. Looking back I see a lot of red flags that I was ignorant to, hangup phone calls- late nights with the boys that the boys weren't invited to, different butts in the ashtray of his car.But I had I married the "boy next door", he would never cheat on me, boy was I wrong! We were both young and dumb but that doesn't excuse his behavior.
I was devastated, my husband of 16 years had repeatedly cheated on me with very young girls! We separated and I found a lump in my breast.
I did a lot of soul searching and I realized that I didn't love him anymore and I had no respect left for him. If I had a limited amount of time, I wanted to spend it with my sons but not him. Benign is a beautiful word but it didn't change my mindset, I wanted out.
Two years later (I had to hunt him down because he disappeared to Florida) the divorce was final. He is not a model father and has only seen his sons twice in 8 years.
The other bad experience was three years ago and although I wasn't in love with him we were exclusive, or so we had agreed. His EX GF crooked her finger and away he went- I think it would have been nice if he had told me!
I caught him at a local minimart getting into her car with her. I said hey and he was pretending like he didn't see me.
He called me the next day and told me they had gotten back together, a week previous. Explains the spotty- hit and miss phone calls. I told him to never call me again..it was all I could think to say at the time.
I've had a few relationships since then, but I did't want anything serious with any of them and I ended up breaking them off.Maybe I'm not fully healed yet, maybe I never will be. But I do know I'm not to blame for their actions, I am responsible for the way I conduct myself only.
When the right one comes along, I think my heart will recognize him :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:49am

This is what bothers me... when I hear these types of statistics, it makes me cringe... And it makes me all the more weary to try and attempt marriage if all I have to look forward to is to get cheated on! Feeling like I would have given all my best years to this person and get stabbed in the back like that!

Kind of on the subject... I heard something I had never heard on the radio last night (on the Delilah show)... a woman called (she didn't sound drunk or high), and put in a request for her ex-husband and his new girlfriend! Apparently he left her after 25 years of marriage... And she wanted to thank him, because she now feels free! They apparently had started dating when they were 13, and got married at 18 had kids, etc, etc. She said him leaving her was a blessing in disguise and that now she feels more fulfilment in her life than she ever has... so she wanted to call in and request a song for him! Holding Back the Years, by Simply Red. I was shocked! She sounded genuinely happy... not like she was acting... She said it enabled her to get back in touch with herself and allowed her to do what she's always wanted to do, which is her passion to paint murals... Also Delilah added, doesn't the saying go Living Well is the Best Revenge?

Anyhow, just thought I would share this cool woman's "payback"!

I'll keep you posted on how things go with my bf... Just another addition, he told me that once he found out that a woman was cheating on him he didn't stick around... he told her it was over... So at least he didn't put up with their bad behavior, or let himself get repeatedly cheated on... He said once he had gathered enough concrete proof that they were in fact cheating on him... he confronted them and showed them the proof. They admitted to it, and he told them it was over. End of story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:51pm
The statistics can be deceiving.
Don't base your relationship on what has happened to others.
Just because I and a few other women have had a few bad experiences doesn't mean that you are going to.
I listen to Delilah too. She keeps me company on my drive when I work the night shift :)
I'm still an optimist and an incurable romantic despite all that I have been through.
My Prince Charming is out there- I just haven't met him yet :)

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