Post Valentine's Day Blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Post Valentine's Day Blues
24
Wed, 02-20-2008 - 1:48pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 02-20-2008 - 2:12pm

How I wish that I could just move on and live the life I feel I'm entitled to.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 02-20-2008 - 8:42pm

The recipe for moving on is time, people and activities. One day you will make sense of this. You will view the whole thing in a more positive manner - about how it made you strong, about the good your exh brought you - at the very least it is a great kid, and about how you will find someone better.

BUT this will not happen on its own. Your exh's experiences, however good they may seem for him, have nothing to do with you. If you are bitter then you are going to ruin your chances of meeting someone better.

Look at it this way - you are at a time in your life where you have no one but yourself to answer to. You can do anything you want. You have a chance at starting over - you can take that and run with it - become a better person - and find someone better.

I am not sure of your age, but there are plenty of men out there who don't mind a woman with children.

Welcome to our board - and keep on reading and posting in all of our threads. You will learn a lot! Good luck!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 9:00am

Big hugs darling! How long have you been single now?


I have two children from two different relationships and even though my daughters are healthy thus far, I went down the EXACT same path as you did but vice versa. I didn't get childsupport for my youngest DD who is 7 until almost a year ago and none at all for my oldest who is now 14.


I WAS PISSED and ANGRY! I don't know if you read my story on the Mom's board thread, but if you do, you'll know it was awful and that is only a little bit of info. I would get more into it, but in all honesty I rather just leave it, because it makes me sad that it's taken me so long to heal. I'm just glad that I did. I am just NOW learning to love and like me. I am just now learning self respect for myself. I am just now trying to learn to be ok for having two children from two different fathers, even though the thought is so guilting for me. Two failure relationships that ended with children, but not only that, but the fact that my parents always made me feel so dirty for being such a failure and loser. So that sits on the back of my mind when I want to go out and meet someone. I get terrified of the judgement. I feel down on myself and I get horribly self conscious. HOWEVER... I am learning and growing and learning to love me so much more then I once did. I learned to forgive and move on but crying, raging, getting angry, reading, being good to myself, learning who I was again and MOST of all the extreme support from everyone on this board the last 5 years. It's crazy, but true. This board has helped me reflect and heal. And I really don't think I'm the only one that feels that. Stay with us Vashti. You can vent with us and you will heal in time, but this is ALL WAY to soon to expect yourself to heal.


Tell us more about you. How often do you see X? And why? What are ways to go around that? What do you do to express your anger? Can you get a punching bag? I highly recommend one! Do you have family and support group around you? If you do, take some time for yourself and get someone to take your kids once a week or every other week. Do more stuff for yourself. You must find out who you are again! Re-create the new Vashti if you didn't like the old you. Self healing and steps towards a better you will get rid of angry thoughts of stringing X up by the neck.


You HAVE to let go of the past. You HAVE to quit wondering and worrying about your X's lives and move on with your own and make your own life happy. You definitely should be over being angry at the oldest DD's father. It is what it is. You have to learn to move on from that. I have. I have just wiped the slate completely from his entire family. I'll let my DD handle it if she wants too, but I have completely severed all ties since Christmas and it was the BEST thing I could have ever have done. DO what you can to keep contact as scarce as possible and concentrate on the most important: YOU and your children.


Are you lonely for companionship or is a man the last thing on your mind? I think if you are thinking of dating, you definitely need to give it some time. Man bashing is not attractive to a date. :) Just like I disapprove of X wife bashing. :) But I've done it. LOL and it wasn't pretty. Poor guy! ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2008
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 9:38am
Oh girl,I have so been there.The thing that helped me get past the raw feeling and not feeling that twinge when he came around was how I finally was on my own. The emotional abuse had ended cause I wasnt giving him any more control over me. There is a reason the relationship ended and when you are alone and lonely and you see him come around it may be a natural instinct to feel that way.I know thinking about how it felt to be free and answer to only myself was a very good feeling and it more than made up for any twinges I had about him.I find things to keep me busy and I look at my son and try to think he was the good part of my ex thats left in my life. It gets easier with time.Walking to your own tune and making up your mind thats the way its going to be and standing firm will eventually make you see why you shouldnt give him a thought more.It does get easier. I like to look forward and think about whats out there and the possibility of finding, "Mr RIGHT" and by
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 10:26am

"I know thinking about how it felt to be free and answer to only myself was a very good feeling and it more than made up for any twinges I had about him" This is an uplifting post and I agree!

My hairdresser was just here and he asked if I had found a bf (he knows I broke up with MA over the holidays) and to that I giggled and said NO and I am not exactly really looking for one. (I mean there is one I am talking to and there is a fishing line out on EH but I delete delete delete and am not pushing or rushing anything right now.)

I explained I am having so much fun training for an Ironman right now - swam an hour yesterday morning and then ran 2 hours last night. Today I have to ride 3 hours and run an hour. On and on - each day is LONG. And this week we have eaten spaghetti for dinner 3 nights in a row. It is DS's favorite dinner so he would never complain and that is hugely efficient for me - make it once, eat it three times. But imagine what a husband would say if I was exercising that much and he had to eat spaghetti 3 nights in a row. LOL!!

PLUS I got this huge bug and have decided to turn my patio into an outside living room. I saw a friend who had that - they have all this cool outdoor furniture and carpeting at Walmart and Target and I have also seen some on Craigslist so am configuring that in my head. AND I don't have to negotiate this desire with anyone - I can just do it because I want to!!

And when I compare myself to all of my married friends I feel so lucky I don't say anything because I don't want them to feel bad.

BFs and Hubbies are OVERRATED and being HAPPY ALONE is UNDERRATED!! My hair dresser, who is this conservate, happily married Latin man, was so amused with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 11:48am

Rock on sister!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 11:52am

Hi there and thanks.


I agree with what you're saying and I see the value in being independent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 12:57pm

Hey Vashti - Welcome to the board.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 8:39pm

Rose,

Your post sounds so much better now than when you first started posting with us - I can tell the emotional damage that your exh did to you weighs heavily on you - but you are really doing well at coping and putting it into perspective.

"My Ex is currently dating a very successful, gorgeous doctor and it is driving me bananas....where is the bad karma that he so rightly deserves?"

OOOH - you know that is yet to come!!! Right about the time the incredible sex infatuation spell wears off. Of course successful doctor probably means she has little time for anything else but that - hence their current state of bliss.

Hugs to all who have posted here with their struggles. We do all understand your pain!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 11:33pm

OOOH - you know that is yet to come!!! Right about the time the incredible sex infatuation spell wears off. Of course successful doctor probably means she has little time for anything else but that - hence their current state of bliss.


Good point!

Rosecolouredspecs

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