Posted a long time ago but still lurk...
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| Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:17pm |
Hi everybody. I haven't posted since the end of last year but it is because things kind of wound down and I stopped dating. I still read this board because there are some great women on here with good advice. Things have changed for me though. I have started dating this guy who I actually went to high school with but he is 2 years younger than I am. We had always known about each other but really didn't KNOW each other well. We have been dating almost 2 months now. He is currently separated which I told myself I would not date anyone else like that because I have been the nice person and given the guys a chance but STILL ended up being the rebound woman. Not cool. Things were great in the beginning. He is a really nice guy, very thoughtful, considerate, willing to help, loves kids, etc...however, he can be pushy at times and I have told him upfront that he was being that way. At times he takes it well but there are other times where he storms off and gets mad. Sometimes I think it has to do with him being younger than me and then sometimes I think that maybe I'm being TOO upfront with him. I just know what I want, know what's best for me and my son, and I'm more verbal about it than I used to be. I was not in my marriage and I swore to myself that I was NOT going to be that way in my next marriage (if it ever happens). Guess you could say I'm my authentic self now. :) Well, he has been talking about things such as marriage, kids, etc. like we are going to be getting married this year or something. He knows that is not going to happen. He has been introduced to my son, only the 2nd man in the past 5 years of dating that I have introduced to my son. He really enjoys my son and already knows that he will not be his dad but his friend. It's just that he wants to be around CONSTANTLY. I'm not used to someone up my butt all of the time. I like my space and I have told him about this as well. Some things he doesn't understand because it's not the way HE is and I told him that not everyone is going to be or think like him. For example, he loves that I am a positive person and laugh all of the time. Well, PMS has hit me the past couple of days and I haven't been the most pleasant person. lol He went off! He just didn't know why I was acting like that and that he doesn't know why he has to deal with my bad attitude and that he wants his "Old Jen" back, the happy Jen. I told him that I wasn't going to always be smiling and happy-go-lucky and that he was going to have to deal with that. That pissed me off. He is very touchy feely which I'm not...I like affection, don't get me wrong, but I didn't have that in my marriage, I wasn't raised to be touchy feely so it is all new to me. I'm trying to learn how to be better about that. I just feel bad because he is a really great guy but he may have some trust issues (previous marriage), can be pushy sometimes, and may be co-dependent...especially since he just got out of his marriage at the end of last year...not his choice but is ex's. I don't want someone who is co-dependent. I like doing my own thing, going where I want to go without being questioned to death.
Has anyone else been through this or have any advice as to what I should do? I feel like I'm suffocating. I have thought about writing an email to him about this, being nice to him mind you. lol I just know what is going to come out of it though...he is going to get defensive and go off prematurely. What else can I do to get through to him? I've all but stamped it on his forehead about what I want. lol
Thanks for anything you all can give me.
Jennifer

Hi Jennifer - well.....to be honest.....if he is behaving this way after two months of dating, personally...I would be running for the hills! He sounds very possessive and controlling - two qualities that my STBX totally embodied - they are not very atractive in a person. My STBX also got angry with me during those moments when I wasn't suzy sunshine - god forbid I ever have a bad day!
I am just in the early separation stages right now and I can totally understand why you don't want someone tripping over your shadow, that would drive me crazy as well. Everyone needs thier space. Based on your note I would say it seems to me that maybe this isn't the right guy for you.
But....I am going to throw a caveat in here...if you are PMS-ing right now, this could easily cloud your judgement. He might seem especially aggitating at this time of month. Give it another week and see if you still feel the same way.
Good luck to you (sending some soothing, calming, peaceful vibes your way... ;)
Rose
Ya I'd be wary of this guy.
Here is the thing...I went to a codependant Annonymous group after I separated and realized that a codependent isn't the typical "clingy" person. A Codependent person is actually someone who needs the OTHER person to be what they want so badly that the Codependent will do whatever they have to do to get that person to submit...ie. changing their own behavior hoping to affect the other, lecturing about the other's behavior as some form of manipulation to get the other to change....
I think sometimes, in certain situations and with certain people it can bring out this codependent tendency because we REALLY want this person to be the way we think we need them. This is just my personal experience so this may or may not have anything to do with your situation. It just sounds like he's not the ideal person but you really want him to be for whatever reason.
I hope this helps even just a little!
Welcome back, great to have you posting again!
I think what you need to do is set clear boundaries now. If you don't feel like having him over, don't. You don't have to allow him to be up your butt, or do anything you don't want to do.
I think you should worry less about his feelings and more about yours, but I'm inherently selfish. I have had uber-clingy men that I've dated in the past, and for me, if they couldn't deal with my life, they didn't last long. I have no desire to be an adult's mother or babysitter, and I certainly don't need a father or babysitter in my life.
I would say that if you genuinely like him, these are probably issues that can be worked around, provided you can both deal with being honest. Being honest doesn't mean being cruel, but you do have to think of yourself first.
You're right, no one is Miss Sunshine all of the time, and that's normal. He shouldn't expect you to be, just as you shouldn't expect that from him. Also, just act like yourself. This is the time in a relationship where everyone should be acting the way they act- not trying to impress anyone, as this is the time to see if you are truly compatible.
Good luck, and whatever you do, keep us posted!
Moody, not into co-dependence, either
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You know how you feel, trust your reality, this guy is not the one, not right now.
And the touchy feely thing is funny. I hate being touched by strangers or mere acquaintances, yet I can't hug D3 enough and absolutely crave my BF, M's touch.
Thank you for defining co-dependency drgnflygrl. I think that is definitely what he is doing actually. He gets huffy and goes off if I'm not the "same old Jen" I have been and wants the "old Jen" back. He wants me to love him, he wants me to do this that and the other but I keep telling him that this is how I am and that I won't be pushed or coerced into anything that I don't want to do. It's like I have to tell him over and over again and he still doesn't get it. He gets that I'm not going to always be happy but he will make little comments about my mood or try to get me to laugh or tickle me. I should be grateful that he wants to try and cheer me up right?
Thanks to the rest of you for your insight as well. Good points. I'm just really confused right now about what steps to take.
Jennifer
You know Moody it is so funny because I AM acting like I normally would with no pretenses. lol It took 3 years of therapy, finding myself, and knowing what I want and don't want to turn back now! lol Too expensive! :) I have been trying to set my boundaries with him but he wonders why I am and he tells me to "drop the wall" between us. Okay.... It feels sometimes like he just wants me to swoon (can you tell I'm in the south?) and act like I am just going to let my heart rule the whole time. I can't afford to do that. Not when my son is involved.
Queenbun, I am exactly like you, I will hug and kiss on my son all day long too. In my marriage, PDA or even contact wasn't present unless he wanted sex which then I started cringing when he did touch me because I thought that was all he wanted. Very sad.
I'd watch out for this guy. He has quite a number of red flags that point towards him being a bit too controlling. And to get mad at YOU because you were having a PMS-y bad day?!?? No empathy there! That's not good, in my book!
And just the fact that you like having your space (and it not having anything to do with not wanting to be with him, just that you like your space)- can become an issue between you guys later. I just think you need to find someone who is a better match for you. I think people CAN find someone who wants the same amount of togetherness as well as alone time... because if that balance isn't closely matched, then one is going to feel smothered while the other is freaking out that they are 'being left' and they end up even more clingy...
I suggest booting him to the curb, but at the same time, I know the things you've mentioned COULD be worked out between the 2 of you. But he has to realize HIS part in some of it, and from what you've said- it just doesn't seem like he is taking responsibility for why he gets mad. (or even understanding why) It's like he sees it as YOU being the one who is "making him mad" and that is a clear red flag to me.
But for me personally? I wouldn't try to "teach" him. I'd dump him. I've learned that I'm not a person who can change someone else. I'd rather FIND someone else.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Warning! Red Flags! Please, please, please don't blame yourself (or PMS!!!) for not liking the way this man is behaving! He has major issues:
Co-dependency
Manipluation
Control
to name just a few...
Jennifer, 3 months ago I ended a relationship that was exactly how you describe what you are going through. (I do have a history of attracting controlling men & acting like a co-dependent)... We met & the physical chemistry between us was HOT! HOT! HOT!.