Problem...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Problem...
16
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 11:50am

After 20 years of being married to a narcissist, whose wants and needs always came first, I don't know how to ask for what I want.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 11:57am

Start with little things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 12:13pm

It's kind of funny, because I am slowly learning about what I like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 1:08pm

I have an idea. What if you tell CK...what I want is to know what I want again. I want to discover what I love and who I am. I hope you will discover this with me.


Let him know just what you told us, that you lost yourself in your marriage and that you have lost touch with what you want because it was all about the ex. And now you feel safe to be who you are and you would like to begin to discover what it is you love. I bet he would be flattered and honored to be part of that journey.


There are some excersizes I saw somehere that are all about finding your real self and rediscovering what you love in life. I'll see if I can find that. They were helpful to me after my divirce. Because I lost myself in my marriage too. And when I rediscovered myself it felt so good..it feels pure and very real. And it also makes you very attractive to others when you own your own passions.

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 1:14pm

This is a classic problem and good for you for recognizing it and wanting to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 1:31pm

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 3:01pm
You've gotten great posts already so not much to add but go for it, take your time and let him know what you are doing.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 3:13pm

Start by picking ONE thing you've thought about doing and go from there.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 9:24pm

I can relate to the 'losing your self' thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 10:02pm

Very good that you have recognized this!!! Very important to define yourself from the get go! Don't look toward someone else: your parents, your kids, your SO, your boss..etc... NONE of them can define you. Define yourself. I recommend some books.. Boundaries by Henry Cloud. this is a great book about how to define yourself. Henry Cloud and a co-author Townsend wrote several good Boundary books.. like Boundaries in Dating, Boundaries in Parenting, Boundaries in Marriage.


sometime just being able to name a problem can be a huge step to finding the solution.


God Bless,


Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: sweetkymom
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 10:44pm
Just keep remembering that if he didnt WANT to know what pleases you & what you want, he wouldnt ask. Remember that you deserve this! Think of it as making up for lost time. God (or whomever you belive in), sent you him for a reason. Now go out there & USE HIM!

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