The Pro/Con list of staying with RG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
The Pro/Con list of staying with RG
16
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 7:54am

pros

he is respectful
he is kind
fun to be around
likes to cuddle
financially secure
confident
wants to do a long term project with me
attractive
good body shape
talented and skilled

cons

its a roller coaster ride
doesnt get into deep conversation
intimacy issues
doesnt want a full time relationship
guarded
not active enough
mysterious
keeps me at arms length
does not interested in similar activities
shows limited interest in me
rarely responds to emails
sometimes hard to contact
the whole relationship is just plain confusing

Well there ya have it. Some of those are minor things. The major things are the roller coaster ride, the intimacy issues and not active enough/not interested in similar activities, keeps me at arms length and guarded. The major ones on the pros list is he is financially secure ( I have been with the opposite and its not a good place to be), and wants to do a long term project with me.

I thought that being patient with his car project would have a bit of a payoff, like I would get to ride in it or go to the cruise night with him. Then we were talking about it on the beach and he said that it was too expensive of a project to drive it anywhere. All he is going to do is park it in the garage, pull it out to admire it every now and then and pull it back in the garage. To me that is just weird. If I spent that much $ on something I would damn sure enjoy it and show it off.

Laurie

anonymous

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 8:03am

Laurie!!

Okay. In my humble opinion, this is like writing the pros and cons for a car you CAN'T buy!! You are spinning your wheels.

I really think that your answer is a yes or no answer - not a "maybe if I work on him I can change him to be right for me" kind of answer. Because YOU can't change him OR the way he feels about you. He has made it clear over and over and over that he does NOT want to be in a healthy growing romantic relationship with you. There is no doubt you two enjoy each other's company. But it is clearly stuck and won't move forward like it needs to move forward.

My prescription: No contact with him for a year or more - so you can really get over him, find new activities and be open to the right one for you. If you do that, you will find one you like more, with a bigger PROS list and maybe only one or two things if any on the CONS list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 8:12am

Yes you are right. Its definitely a yes or no thing now. I was hoping the list would help me decide. I wont do no contact for a year but I did decide not to put anymore effort into the relationship and not contact him and just see how much he puts in it.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 8:21am
Oh Laurie I have to agree with West on this. Every time you have written something recently I have been tempted to try and dissuade you from this obviously painful situation but then West says what I was going to, steals my thunder and I just hope the message gets through. But now I think she needs someone to sing back up.
This guy is not right for you. He isnt right for you because he isnt ready, he isnt capable, and he cant match you in the areas that count most for a healthy love relationship. This is disappointing but you are quickly getting caught in a pattern with him and the longer you refuse to snap out of it the more time you will be looking back on when you finally wake up and that will make things worse in the end. You have consistently been 3 or 4 chapters ahead of him in this relationship in all of the posts I have read. I think it is workable only if you are a few pages ahead of someone. We have all been where you are and it never never ends well! He enjoys your companionship and he may have some romantic feelings for you which I know makes things worse but he isnt anywhere near being ready to embark on a relationship with you or he would have done so happily long ago.
Saying you are a glutton for ( I have forgotten the word you used, frustration, pain, one of these?) worries me. Dont you feel you deep down deserve someone who is bright eyed and bushy tailed about pursuing you and everything you are? You have to sign up for THAT and never look back. You have been settling for so long you have lost track of how wide the gap is between what you have and what you truly deserve. It is too wide Laurie and you need to cut off all contact with him until you can see straight again IMO!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 9:17am

I relate all too well with your situation with RG.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 9:25am

Where is the post that starts your story? I read some of your posts but got confused because I think I came in a mid point. I think I could learn some from your story.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 9:43am

IT does have to be no contact.

You see, I know your story all too well because I wasted 3 years with a guy doing exactly the same things you did - until I saw him with a girl who was basically FWB. A long story - but not seeing him and doing other things is what got me over it. You really have to move on or you will be stuck!!

I am sorry he is not the one - I wish dating could be that easy - but you will find a better one - I promise!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 10:01am

I'm sure you're feeling a little bruised at this point, but I just want to encourage you to really listen to what West and City are saying here.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 10:02am

Yes, I agree with Judy. It is like listing Pros and Cons about a car you cannot buy or drive.

If you want to continue to have the rollercoaster ups-and-downs then continue to see him otherwise I agree on the No Contact approach.

Take care Laurie,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 12:03pm

West, I would really like to hear that story. When you have time can you please post it. Hearing how others handled similar situations helps.


Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 12:06pm

Nasty porn sites....LOL. You can buy intimacy but not love.


Laurie

anonymous

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