Proposal Woes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Proposal Woes
5
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:11am

Hi all,

I've been lurking forever, however this is my first posting.

I've been a single mom for almost 3 years, just finalized a long and difficult divorce with the father of my 3 & 5 year old sons. We were married just under three years when we seperated.

My trouble is with my new man. We have been together for almost three years, he has been in my kids lives since they were 1 & 2 1/2. He had just ended a 5 year relationship with a girlfriend & her 2 kids that he helped raise during that time. It was a new beggining for both of us and a lot of touch and go, as I was trying to determine how to integrate dating, and the issues of exposing my children to a new man who may not be a permanent fixture, and he was feeling a huge loss in his life from missing the ex's kids. He does remain friends with them, and spends time with them regularly, but he was devastated, and had his doubts about going through that again.

SO the first year we took really slow, and with occaisional hesitation, and almost called it quits a couple of times. The last 2 years we have matured into a wonderful relationship, we are compatible, have similar values, our relationship is a very loving and respectful one, and he couldn't love my kids more or treat them any better. We have been living together for the past year, are working on building a house together, planning to have a child of our own (soon!), and be married.

The trouble is, we agreed we would not get engaged before I was divorced (both felt it was inappropriate). I've been divorced for over a month now, and nothing. I had the expectation that he was only waiting until my paperwork was final before we "officially" announced our intent to be married. When Valentine's Day came and went, and some more time since then, I am getting the feeling that this is not a priority for him anymore. Not that it won't happen, but that he's not thinking about it. As for me, I am feeling pressure from famliy and friends, all wondering when is going to happen, and instead of my usual contentment and confidence, I am sad, depressed, and feeling like there is something wrong with me that he has not asked me yet. I am trying to just wait it out for awhile, but I am feeling more and more anxiety over the whole thing. I don't want the proposal to be a result of me telling him I am upset that he hasn't (he totally would if he knew) and I am also getting nervous, because we were planning on trying to conceive in the next couple of months (we had been planning this, regardless of the outcome of my divorce) and I don't want him to propose after I am pregnant, and feel like he did it because "it was the right thing." In my anxiety over this issue, I am starting to change my thinking that I don't want to get preganant until the marriage issue is resolved.

I guess I need some advice, or please just let me know how long I should resonably wait before I let him know this is bothering me. I don't want to ruin the romance of this special occaision, but am feeling like if I don't say something, I will be waiting for a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
In reply to: mace69
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:05pm

HI! Welcome, glad you delurked!


If it had been me, I would have been dancing with those divorce papers and yelling "OK! NOW we can get on with the engagement!"


I think if it's something you had kind of agreed on already and talked about, there is certainly nothing wrong with you being the one to mention it. IF, he has changed his mind...then you need to decide if you're still with this program! It would mean he is not coming through on a promise, or at least an assumption.


IF you are really ok with having kids with him without marriage, then it is a moot point...but it sounds like you're really NOT ok with that.


SAY something....It's your life, too.


Again, glad to hear from you


Candi

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: mace69
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:34pm

Hi
Glad you de-lurked. I agree with what Candi has to say. Obviously, this is bothering you and if you don't bring it up, you'll just be thinking about it anyway. You don't have to bring it up in a negative way. Simply say something like, "I know we talked about not getting engaged until my divorce came through and now it has. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I need to know how you feel."

I hope you get the answer you're looking for!
Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: mace69
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 2:42pm
Don't TTC without the proposal. If he brings up TTC, then tell him you don't want to until you're engaged. Men don't get it sometimes. In a perfect world, we'd never have to ask for things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: mace69
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:57pm

First of all - welcome - glad to hear you came out of "lurking" and glad you posted - stay and post some more!

"In my anxiety over this issue, I am starting to change my thinking that I don't want to get preganant until the marriage issue is resolved."

BINGO - there is your answer.

I think you should have a positive conversation with him at the right time. Ask him what he has in mind for your future now that your divorce is final - where does he want to go now? Does he still want to get married and have children?

See what he says. Say it in a non-threatening way.

I also think you are making yourself miserable with having these expectations about timing, holidays and such. The right time is when the time is right for both of you. Don't put pressure on him - if he is the right one for you he will want you and will commit to you - if he doesn't and you are not okay with that then you have to give him the boot.

At any rate, welcome, hugs, stay in touch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
In reply to: mace69
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 4:33pm

Thank you for the replies I've received so far. He's so good to me, I don't want to bum him out by pointing out that "Hey stupid, I'm waiting...." lol

Also, I'm kind of old fashioned in that this man is the love of my life, and I want HIM to want to be excited about proposing to me. I don't want to prod him into it.

But I've received some good advice here, and yes, the baby issue is a probably a good jumping point to start the conversation with.