Pros and Cons of having broken up w/RG
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Pros and Cons of having broken up w/RG
| Sun, 07-13-2008 - 9:11pm |
The pros and cons of having broken up with RG.
Cons:
my heart is broken
I broke his heart
I feel like a quiter
I feel like I did a good friend a disservice
I feel like I bailed before giving it my all
I lost a good friend
The worse part is I can still hear the shakiness in his voice when I told him
I cant think of any pros. I feel like sh_t. Going to bed and hoping to wake up in someone elses body.
Laurie

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Honey,
1.your heart will heal with time
2.his heart will heal with time
3.you feel like a quitter, but you can only play a one-man game for so long before you run out of steam and now you have an opportunity to find another player
4.you feel like you did a good friend a disservice, you gave him your all and he sent you scraps- who gave who a disservice?
5.you feel like you bailed before giving it your all- how much more do you have to give before there's nothing left?
6.You lost a good friend- a good friend will still be there for you when the dust settles
Give it time and space.
I have often posted about a relationship I had for almost three years that was literally going nowhere. It was very real and sincere and there was real love there and tons of passion with a wonderful friendship. The problem was that he wasnt willing to figure out his road blocks toward officially committing to someone again after his divorce. I believed he truly loved me and was crushed when I broke up with him but that still did not solve his hang-ups. I learned from this experience that love and friendship does not equal forever necessarily. I was a wreck for a while and had trouble not going back but it was the best thing I ever did. As I met SYB and fell in love again it was as if he could sense this and he started coming by and spending time with me "as a friend" and then suddenly proposed! I was so angry that he would wait this long and put us through so much for his own fears. I realized I needed a man who could deal with his own stuff a lot better than that and not be willing to watch me suffer for it.
It has never seemed to me like RG was willing to deal with the parts of himself that are reluctant to just let go and be with you. Yes, he might love you but that doesnt solve the other problem and he may never solve that. There are so many challenges and fears and insecurities that pop up in real love relationships.....if he cant get past "GO" with you, who is to say it wouldnt have been an absolute wreck once the train left the station? You deserve more and the good thing is I think you have realized this. I know you must feel so horrible right now but you have done a wonderful thing for yourself in this decision. You have opened yourself up to a better relationship where you will feel truly partnered and loved without hesitation. This is worth the pain you are in right now even if you only know this in retrospect - trust me!
BIG HUGS!
Oh sweetie - SORRY and HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know this is the right thing - and the thing is that we are all telling you to do it - and you know it is the right thing - but taking that big huge step to call it quits is just what it is - a huge step! And it is sad for us to read because we all know your pain too well. And now you are left with the aftermath which is hugely upsetting.
And Alison's list is great!!
There are a lot of pros - the biggest one is you and your heart!
1) You are saying - HEY - I exist and I am a great person and I deserve to be loved fully for who I am.
2) You deserve to be in a safe, happy, healthy committed relationship where there are no questions
3) When you give up one that is not working for you then you are true to yourself and you allow yourself to be open for the possibility that you will get a good one and you will not be this unhappy and unfulfilled.
I really think you gave it your all and then some - you tried everything you possibly could and then some - you went much further than a lot would go - and HE is not on the same page - there is nothing you can do to change that except to do what you did.
Rest well- and keep us posted!
The thing is that you did have to tell him how you felt and that you cannot go on - you did the right thing - you can't stay in limbo or have such disappointed hopes forever.
I hear and understand what you are saying. I appreciate similar stories too. They allow me to see how others handled similar situations. But right now all I feel is that I am a fair weather friend who hurt a good friend. Maybe someday
Usually
How are you doing this morning?
I remembered a story here that could be inspirational. It was by firstammendment - she was on here a few years ago and if you do a search on posts by her since the beginning of time you will find it. But I can summarize quickly, too.
First was smitten with this guy who was in a major custody battle with his girlfriend who remarried and while she collected a big sum in child support she was not at all supportive of his relationship with his son and she moved away. Needless to say that guy was not emotionally available for First. But she loved him and waited patiently. Sometimes all they would do is sleep all weekend and she tried to say that was okay with her - it was clearly a case in our minds from reading her posts that she was modelling her needs to fit him instead of the other way around. And she was frustrated because she was going no where - I think he wanted to move to be near his kid - and he wanted kids but not with someone who already had one. The more you read the more it became apparent that he was not into her and just using her for the sex.
She was seeing a therapist - and the therapist reassured her that this was not a healthy relationship and that it is very healthy to have your needs met in a healthy relationship.
So, First took the big step and dumped him after a vacation where she had time away to reflect on all of this.
AND the good news - although she dated a few jerks she met the nicest guy who had kids who was looking to be married and even have another kid. As far as I know she is still happily married and raising twins - probably very busy.
I think she was an inspiration to a lot of people - that if you dump the one who is not right for you or not into you, the world is not going to come to an end - you are going to be forced to make new friends, find new activities and be open for the right one for you who will be very happy to find you because you are you - and who will commit to you.
I really see you as similar to her in your stories. You just have to have faith that you deserve and will find someone to take up the other half of the love seat and carry their fair share in the relationship - because you can't do it for them - you end up exhausted and frustrated and they don't appreciate it because they don't want it.
How did you tell RG about all of this? Is he very clear on how you feel and why you don't want to be "exclusive friends" and not romantic?
Yes- we did track Jennie down at one point and she updated us that she was doing well.
Thanks for that story. I do love hearing others experiences and how they handled it. I fall for the 'woe is me' guy type a lot. Did that for 3 years with the engineer I was with. Same situation. His wife cleaned him out in the divorce. Took the kids away and made his life a living hell. So I gave as much of me to him as I could. There came a day when I realized it was expected of him and he was not appreciative.
So anyhow. Heres how I got to that point with RG. I had been teetering on the idea of it for a while now. I had let him rack up instances of non availability to me. Then last night he was supposed to meet me at my kids softball game. The game was in a town near his town (about a 10 minute drive). The weather was beautiful and we were going to just sit in this awesome park and watch them play. I called him to remind him and he said 'after dinner and I take a shower, I might come down'.
I waited. No word from him. The kids were half way through their second game of a double header when I realized RG wasnt going to show. I left and called him up on the way home and said, 'I see I am not a priority in your life and I think its best for both of us if we not continue to see each other anymore.' He was shaken. His voice was shaky and he was tongue tied. I dont think he ever considered it coming to this. He was upset. Didnt want it to come to this. Wanted to keep things going the way they were. I said there is no such thing as exclusive friends.
During that conversation it occurred to me that he wants me to himself and not shared with anyone and doesnt feel comfortable around my kids or friends or his friends. So for all this time we saw each other it was always just him and me alone. Never with friends or family. His or mine. I have met his mother. None of the others. I know he is not seeing anyone else or telling his family something else. His mother knows the level of our relationship. So I dont know why he is not comfortable around me and other people. Its all kind of odd.
Thanks again for your support. I am better today. I know I hurt him and that hurts me. But I offered all of me to him and he couldnt even meet me half way. So this ended because he was holding back, not me.
Laurie
Thanks. I am starting to see there are some pro's here. But its hard to see them when you feel like a heel.
Laurie
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