A puzzle for you - find the red flags

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
A puzzle for you - find the red flags
7
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 9:11pm

I just got done talking to one of my friends who is dating - or shall I say just got done dating. She is upset because she wasted 2 years. So, I thought I would type her story because we have hashed much of this out over the years I have been on this board and I would like to think that most of us would not do the same. Maybe some new ones can learn from it and maybe the rest of us old timers can be reminded.

Okay.

She really liked him and they had an intense physical chemistry. Hit it off. He explained he was almost done with his divorce but the marriage was over and it was time to move on. He works for a race car company and travels a LOT so is never home that much - but her schedule is flexible since she doesn't have children.

They see each other as they can over two years. The divorce is still not final. But he explains that she really fulfills his every dream unlike any other woman and he can see them going farther. Starting in the summer he has less time to see her - sometimes they go a few weeks without seeing each other. One time she realized that with her travel schedule and his travel schedule they would go a month without seeing each other so she was calling him to remind him that the coming weekend was their last chance. But the other girlfriend answers the phone and calls her back.

And now she finds out he has been cheating on her with one of his coworkers - he is living with that girl and still keeping his own apartment. And I don't think the divorce is final or maybe it is now. She dumps him and says he has lied about the divorce being final two years ago and now he has lied about this other girl. He says he is confused because he likes both of them. Apparently this coworker travels everywhere with him for work and they just spend a lot of time together.

So, she is done with the mess and even had to change her phone number because the girl who is the coworker is upset and loves him and doesn't know what to do and is staying with him for now and was calling her!

All I could think of to say was that she is better off without him and could never trust a liar like that.

But I did see so many things that would have prevented me from getting off the ground with that one. I thought maybe you all would too and it could be a good discussion for how not to go there and get in a mess like that! OMG.




Edited 12/30/2007 9:15 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 9:47pm

What a horn dog!

Definitely a reminder for everyone if nothing else about being blinded by intense physical attraction which probably most of us have experienced one time or another. I feel bad for your friend.

Live and Learn, but YIKES sometimes that smarts a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 9:59pm

Hmmm... where to start!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 12:38am

Sheesh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 5:45am

Yes - I love the communist parade comment.

For me, the first thing that would have made the whole relationship a no-go is the separated thing. Because separated is really legally married and I don't accept separated or newly divorced - to me those just spell drama and that person is not on the same page as me where they are settled, have done some dating and know what they want. I also think I have had so many bumps and have learned to keep my heart back so well that the initial hot chemistry attraction would have been held at bay. It is okay to flirt and have that chemistry - but it doesn't mean I act on it.

The travels all the time and doesn't have time for me would have been the second kill button. I want a guy who is into me and who has time for calls and a couple dates a week. I am not a once a month booty call kind of girl. I want a relationship. I lived in a marriage where work took up everything my exh had in the way of energy, time, focus and emotion and his mother took up the rest. There is NO way I am going to walk that plank again.

I was just typing a huge post mortem dating analysis to a dear friend who has been a pen pal through much of my post divorce experiences. To my relief, I see a pattern of improvement. When I was first divorced I was pretty much like "would someone please date me" and I accepted anyone who showed an interest which lead to frustration, a lot of dating experience and a few bumps and bruises to my heart. I developed the rule, "here now ready now." Then I took a long 4 year break and read a lot of books and posted so much stuff on this board they put me in charge of it - LOL!! But bottom line I learned a lot.

Here is what I think it takes:
- the person has to be here now ready now; not separated and not too far away and on the same page with their life, our situations make sense and they WANT a relationship
- has to meet the must have and can't stand list; you cannot compromise values for chemistry; and you can't date down
- has to be that into you and call and make time to see you and has to want a relationship and want exclusivity; should be more of a romantic interest than sexual interest especially at first and he should be courting you not just trying to get you in the sack
- date and see how it goes - eyes open in the beginning and realize that some things you can't change so don't waste time

The last guy I dated came really close. If he did not have the communication and intensity issues we would be a match.

One thing to note is that I think getting out and having a happy social life is very important. It makes you happy and content and you don't feel desperate - you can be picky. Casual dating, which is different from casual sex, is very important - because you can't always judge a book by its cover and this gives you good practice for so many things. When I dated the lifeguard and the fireman I had fun with them and they put forth an effort to see me because they wanted to be with me. They were good people - but had things I didn't like - the fireman drank more than I was comfortable with (a case of beer in one day) and the lifeguard was very lazy and I was doing a lot more for us than him so hit the kill switch.

EDITED TO ADD: I think the most important lesson I have learned is that you have to love yourself and your goal to have a happy fulfilling committed relationship with a good partner MORE than any guy or any connection you feel with a guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty of good men who will love us - we just have to have a positive attitude and get OUT there and not get sidetracked. No slack, no mercy, no regrets!




Edited 12/31/2007 8:32 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 10:03am

Dang, Judy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 10:37am

I agree with Soonee here on this one! Great post, Judy!!!!


Sure makes a better use of those red flags, huh?!? Wave them in honor of Judy for the great post!


lol ;-)


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 11:28am