QOTW

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
QOTW
18
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 8:28am

I have some questions for all of you ladies!!

These were inspired from a post here plus another post on another board plus my own thoughts/questions in my head.

Okay.

1) Do you want to get married? List pros/cons and thoughts.

2) If it is a second wedding would you want a wedding again?

Here are my answers:
1) Yes, if I found the right person I would. But for some reason I don't feel in a rush to do this. I am enjoying my freedom so much right now.
2) I cannot fathom doing the whole wedding/bride thing again. But at the same time I would not want to elope. Maybe there is an in-between.

I am anxious to hear what you all have to say. Everyone is encouraged to post - even if you are an oldie who is now married or a lurker!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 9:14am

I do want to get married again. I liked being married before, if only I hadn't been married to the wrong person. I'd like to be married to someone I can respect, and to someone who actually cares about me, and who isn't addicted to his video game.

If I do get married again I would want a very small backyard type ceremony with only closest friends and family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 2:17pm

Do I want to get married? Yes. Why? Um, well, a few reasons. First, I'd like to be Mrs. so and so- I want to share J's last name, which would also be good if we have children together, because as it is, there are 3 last names in this house... Second, for the legal reasons, next of kin and so forth- I certainly want my partner, who knows me better than anyone to be involved in any medical and legal decisions should I become injured or when I'm old and getting alzeimers.

I could go on and on about "showing the world our committment to each other"... but I'm already committed to him, and him to me. I already refer to him as my husband at times, and he never said that made him uncomfortable, so...

As for a ceremony, we have decided the best thing for us will be just our parents (which is 4 sets, as they are divorced and remarried, or have partners), his brothers and my son. We'll do the vows and then head out to a nice restaurant to celebrate, then go on our honeymoon and when we get back, throw a potluck bbq and invite everyone (other family members, close friends). I mentioned this plan to my mom and she was shocked that "you're not going to invite your nana?" She doesn't get that if I invite nana, then I have to invite my dad's mom, and if I do that, then we'll have to invite J's grandparents, and then we'd get into the issue of the step-grandparents, and then the aunts and uncles would be upset, and then our cousins would be upset and so on. So no, I told her, nana will be invited to the bbq. We want to save our money, not blow it on a big ceremony just to ensure everyone else is happy.

Since I never married Nicolas' dad, then I'm not worried about a "second wedding". We were engaged for 4 of the 5 years we were together, but we never even set a date. Every time I'd talk wedding, he'd take off drinking or using because he couldn't handle the stress. (The night Nicolas was born, he left the hospital and got bombed and then tried to come back in at 4am drunk!) So really, I'm glad I didn't get married to that man.

I'll be happy to marry this one though! :)

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 2:27pm

1) Do you want to get married? List pros/cons and thoughts.
The pros are having a man around for companionship and a sense of stability. The cons could be another divorce. So, the stakes are very high.

2) If it is a second wedding would you want a wedding again?
I want to go to Las Vegas. I don't want a super tacky drive through wedding, but something in between the church wedding and the justice of the peace route. Oh yeah, and lots of Vegas shows, entertainment, and a dash of gambling.

Oh Lord, this sounds sad......but I really want a man to buy me an engagement ring. My first husband never did and at the time, I said I didn't like diamonds. I want the ring, or no marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 2:32pm

>>>Oh Lord, this sounds sad......but I really want a man to buy me an engagement ring. My first husband never did and at the time, I said I didn't like diamonds. I want the ring, or no marriage.<<<

I would like a nice ring too, but even more important to me, I want a romantic proposal. Something that comes from his heart, and makes me feel special. My ex and I just pulled out the check register and picked date. Talk about unromantic.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:08pm
Oh, I agree with you!!! I would want a well-planned proposal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:16pm

1) Do you want to get married? List pros/cons and thoughts.

When I got married the first time, I was young and naive. I thought it was true love, but it was immature puppy love. We got married and it did last almost 10 years, but we had so many problems and then he cheated. I knew the second time around was right. Shane is wonderful. But we do fight and have our problems. We just are more mature with this second marriage for each of us and we know how to resolve differences better than we used to with out first spouses.

2) If it is a second wedding would you want a wedding again?

I did not have the huge church wedding this time. Instead, we had a small garden wedding at the Roase Garden here in town. We invited close personal friends and our families and had a big party afterwards with more people in attendance. It was much better. We were able to kick back and enjoy the day.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 4:56pm

I find the whole diamond ring issue highly overrated. I've never really liked them much anyway, but my SO is a geologist and earth science teacher and he sees diamonds as the 2nd best stone (Actually he views them as rocks. lol) I've always liked ceylon sapphires myself and if we get engaged/married my ring will have one of these instead of a diamond. And my engagement ring will double as my wedding ring. I don't believe it's necessary to have both...but that's just me.

Just playing devil's advocate, but here's part of an interesting article about diamond engagement rings:

Straight Talk about Diamonds
by Peter Mlynek

2(a)Think About the Purchase Logically!
First things first. Get this through your head:
You Don't Need An Engagement Diamond!

You don't need any diamonds. A diamond is a luxury. You need clothing, shelter, food, love,... . You don't need a diamond. You may want it, but you don't need it. Owning a diamond is, I'd say, up around the 4th level of Mazlow's pyramid model of Theory of Needs, not on the 2nd as most jewelers would lead you to believe. Diamond is not an indication of love. The only thing you sorta need is an engagement and a wedding ring, to show others that the man/woman is no longer available; but there is no rule that says that the rings need to contain any diamonds

. And of course, there is no correlation between the cost of the diamond, and how much a couple loves each other, or how good the marriage will be

. And as a luxury good, diamonds really suck. Consider other luxury goods: fur coats, luxury cars, fancy TVs, etc. Well, you need clothing, so as long you need a coat to keep warm during the cold winters, why not buy an expensive fur coat. As long as you want to spend time watching the tube, why not on a large 52-inch Sony. As long as you need to drive from one place to another, why not in an S-series Mercedes. But diamond in your ring just sits there. Its only purpose is to be esthetically pleasing. But as you know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder....

Diamond also sucks as a luxury good from another angle. A lot of luxury goods are sold so that others might admire them, and thus reflecting well on their owners (consciously or not!). But with diamonds others have no idea. First of all, there are tremendous value differences between diamonds that look alike. Second of all, no one can tell the difference between a real diamond and a fake just by casual observation. And third of all, very few people can tell the difference between a good diamond and a poor one, even if you tell them the specifications thereof. Hence the satisfaction of owning a diamond comes from the warm feeling of you knowing that it is a real and good diamond, and not from wanting to be admired or to keep up with the Joneses'. You are buying the diamond for your happiness, not what anyone else thinks
. Bottom line: don't buy a diamond to impress others; buy it to satisfy yourself/your fiancee

. So, look for a diamond only when you really want it and realize that you are basically splurging on yourself/your fiancee

. And buy a diamond that you are happy with and that you will be happy with for the rest of your life. This is extremely important!! Decide what diamond you want, what you are going to be happy with, and then find such a diamond. Realize that you/your wife will be looking at that diamond for rest of the life (If you don't think it will be for rest of your/her life, you have bigger problems than what engagement ring to buy!)

. Do not buy the _almost_ right diamond. If you do that, 5, 10 or 30 yrs down the road, you'll regret that you've wanted to save yourself a few hundred dollars instead of getting what you want. And there will be nothing you could do; substituting a better diamond for the one originally offered to the woman is sacrilegious. You can buy an _almost_ perfect car, or a computer, because in 7 yrs or so you'll just buy a another one, but baby, this particular diamond is very special. (If you are buying diamonds for earrings, bracelet, etc., buying the almost perfect diamonds is no big deal, you can always upgrade or buy a whole new piece later.)

It is necessary to approach the engagement buying experience from a rational viewpoint. Leave your emotions at home. Think with your head, not with your heart. Think with your head, not with your loins. Don't let hormones guide your buying decisions. I realize that this is very difficult for people in love, and with the excitement of getting married, and all, but do not make this an emotional purchase. Don't fall for any 'mystique' of diamonds, or 'isn't this pretty' arguments from your jeweler. The purchase needs to be approached with the same attitude (if not more serious) as hiring the band or a caterer for the wedding (except this diamond will be around long after the guests recall how wonderful the cake tasted or the music sounded)

. If you are offended by this section, I apologize. I certainly don't wish to patronize anybody, it's just that some people think that a diamond is needed for an engagement, and need to be whacked on the head to realize that this is not so, hence the strong language. :-)

2(b) Gem Alternatives to a Diamond
Alternatives to diamonds are numerous: if you like a certain color, buy a precious stone in that color. There are suitable stones for any color you would ever want. Is there a color that holds a special meaning to you as a couple?
If you/your wife are going to be wearing a ring with a gemstone everyday, like is the tradition with engagement and wedding rings, make sure that the stones are both tough and hard enough to handle the hundreds of thousands of hours of wear. Yes, you can get an emerald or an opal, but you really need to be careful...can you maintain the vigilance for the next 50-odd years day in and day out?

There really is only one gemstone that is tough and hard enough for everyday wear: corundum (aluminum oxide). If corundum is red, it is named a ruby, and if it is blue or any other color besides red, it is called a sapphire.

2(c) Alternatives to a Diamond Engagement Ring
Another approach you might consider instead of one large stone, is lots of small precious stones in the engagement ring. They can be diamonds, but you can use colored stones as well. You can even design it yourself in any shape/style you want, if a jeweler doesn't carry it, or can't get it. A lots of small diamonds will also be much cheaper then one large one
. Another option is to be minimalist. If the fiancee is a practical person, a gaudy ring might not be the way to go. A simple gold band might not be too obtrusive, and not get in the way. When skin diving, kneading dough, performing surgery, fixing copying machine, shooting hoops, wearing thin gloves, etc., a ring with a diamond, precious stones, or actually anything protruding, such as prongs, will need to be removed for the fear of damage either to or by the ring, stones. A simple gold band also wont portray you as a rich person (falsely or not), in public, and wont draw attention to itself in the wrong neighborhood. And again you do have many options. Sure, it could be a simple gold band, but it also can be gold band with a special design that is meaningful to you as a couple. It could be gold of various colors as well. Actually, it does not even have to be gold; consider silver, platinum, palladium,..

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 5:01pm

1) Do you want to get married? List pros/cons and thoughts. The answer to this question is still a very big I DON'T KNOW. My SO wants to get married. I want to live the rest of my life with him, but I am struggling with getting married. After all if you take the "I" out of "Married" you get "marred." That's exactly what I was with my ex-husband. LOL

2) If it is a second wedding would you want a wedding again?

IF I do get married, (it will be my 2nd) it will be a small beach wedding with only our parents, siblings and children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 6:22pm
I would love a sapphire. It's not so much the ring as what it represents. When I was married I had two rings, a diamond that I had bought myself that doubled as a wedding band, and then for a while I just wore a plain band. Either way, the thing that was missing was the love and romance, not just him buying me a ring.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 7:47pm

It is so true that the love and affection matter more than the ring.

I used to think I would want a big diamond. But now I know I want something simple with the right person.

My exh asked his sister what he should give me and she said the same size as hers. I always thought that strange- - as it turns out - she was always very cold and rude and jealous of me. So that was never a good thing.

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