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| Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:59am |
I saw a post by fivesense that made me want to ask you guys your opinion.
She had answered the post about "what is wrong with a single mom" where the original poster was justified in saying it is hard to find someone to accept us. Fivesense said it is hard for anyone to find a suitable partner and the best thing you can do to find someone is to be emotionally stable.
SO.... what is your opinion of "emotionally stable" - what is that? I am very curious to hear everyone's opinions/examples.

I think that part of being emotionally stable is the ability to interpret every new situation for what it is, rather than overlaying it with feelings, biases, and focus that applied to other, or past, situations.
Amy
That is a big question and I'm not sure if I can answer. I am looking forward to what other people have to say. What I can tell you is that my therapist and I have discussed the concept of being "needy" at length. One of the first things I said when I went into therapy is that I want to learn how not to be needy. After a year of therapy, I think there is "good needy" and "bad needy."
Bad-needy is when you need another person to make you feel happy (or fulfilled) because you cannot do that for yourself. You just about die when the person doesn't call you back and you are sure that at any moment you are going to be dumped and your life will be over (even if you know your life will not be over, you feel like it will be). Even if the other person is committed to you, you are constantly trying to hold onto them a little tighter. When you are not in a relationship, you feel lost.
Good-needy is that you are happy and fulfilled whether you are in a relationship or not, but you are open to feeling vulnerable when you are in a committed relationship. You can let the other person know when you are feeling sad or hurt or whatever, and they comfort you and are there for you. You have needs - good needs like being able to lean on the other person when you are having a hard time, or needing someone to bring you chicken soup - you don't push the other person away when they try and meet those needs for you. And if someone else isn't in the picture, you can take care of those needs yourself.
What I was initially trying to do when I went to therapy was to not have needs. I saw my bf as being very emotionally stable, and I did not feel that I was. I have learned now that not being needy at all is not any healthier than being overly needy. Now I am trying to focus on expressing my needs when I do have them, and letting my bf meet them (since I already do such a great job of meeting my bf's needs, whether his needs are to have some space to himself or to be there when he needs to talk).
I think being emotionally stable has a lot to do with the balance of neediness in your life and in your relationships. Perhaps that is only one part of it, so we'll see what everyone else has to say.
Fivesense said it is hard for anyone to find a suitable partner and the best thing you can do to find someone is to be emotionally stable.
If this was the quote, then I am inclined to disagree. I think finding
Becky, you do make a good point that we can not all be in a perfect state of mind all the time. :-)
I am not sure if I quoted fivesense right - here is the original post:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=8001.1&ctx=0
And her response that prompted my inquiry to all:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=8001.3
"I didn't date for 4 years after my marriage ended. I'm 34 yrs old. Dating is just difficult after you reach a certain age. Kids or no kids. You will, in fact, find many men who will appreciate you if you are emotionally stable. If you are stable, they will not view your kids as baggage. There are plenty of childless women in our age group who are nuts and DESPARATE for that first husband, first baby."
My definition of emotionally stable ---
You are emotionally stable when:
-You are at peace with your life and those around you.
-You are able to see inconvenient/unpleasant events as temporary and something you CAN work through because you know they will have an eventual purpose or silver lining in your life.*
-You get along with most people.
-You put people who do not support you or make you feel good on the back burner.*
-You understand that other people get busy or have surprises or have their own issues and when they are short with you, disappoint you or ignore you, it is not you. You learn not to be defensive.*
-You are being all you can be - getting smarter, better, happier - all on your own.
-You can survive bouts of being alone and can go places alone.
-You realize you cannot be everything for everyone and you can SET BOUNDARIES.*
-You can be happy for someone when they have more than you and you don't get jealous or feel insecure.
-You judge yourself for yourself, not compared to others.
*These have been the hardest for me but I am getting a good handle on them now.
Edited 3/14/2005 1:30 pm ET ET by west1745
Same here experience wise.
But your definition of emotionaly stable comes mostly from inside, I think. And sometimes you know it when YOU yourself get there.
My definition of emotionally stable is to think rationally and logically, to CONSISTENTLY react to any given situation logically and rationally and not just emotionally.
That being said - I don't feel emotionally stable all that often. I feel that I am consistently over-reacting, under-reacting, not being logical and/or rational, and that I'm allowing emotions, thoughts and feelings, not facts, to govern my attitude, decisions, and life.
I found a suitable partner. He is VERY emotionally stable. Thank God he didn't have that requirement for me! LOL!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/