QOTW - fear

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
QOTW - fear
26
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 1:51pm

Question of the Week

We all carry fears with us, but there are fears that we have when it just comes to dating or relationships.

If you are NOT in a relationship or just casually dating, what is your biggest fear about dating?

If you are in a relationship, what is your biggest fear in regards to your relationship?

If you are married, what is your biggest fear in regards to your marriage?

signature

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 2:19pm

My fears are getting hurt again and also getting married and finding out down the road I made another mistake and having to be divorced again.

Both are reasons I continue therapy :)

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 2:23pm
What does your therapist say about your fear of another divorce? Does he say that you have a better chance of avoiding it?
signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 2:29pm

My fear is that I will be single the rest of my life!!!!!!

Seriously, the issue for me is finding someone I want to date.

Right now I worry if I should keep up the hope that I will be able to marry and have another child - I really feel I want this and to have a family - but I am 43. I still have a few possible years so don't want to close that door.

Will see what is ahead.

I think the issue that First brought up is significant - what if I make another mistake? I am curious to hear what her therapist says about this.

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 2:38pm

I haven't specifically asked him. Maybe I should, but I sort of thought it's a normal thought everyone has when they have been divorced once (or even if they've never been divorced). My guess is he'd say I have a 100% better chance of avoiding it next time. My ex-h was completely wrong for me and I've done so much work I have a real picture of what the right person for me is now. Still, there are no guarantees.

I guess what bothers me is that it's hard enough losing J, I loved him so much. I can't imagine having children with someone else and loving them that much, and losing them and still having to always see them all the time. My divorce was so easy, there was no sadness associated for me other than feeling badly for dd that she was going to have divorced parents. There was no heartbreak. A divorce with heartbreak would be so much more difficult.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 6:07pm
I fear myself screwing things up with my SO. I haven't been in many serious relationships. Only one marriage that lasted two years. That has been my longest relationship. My SO is so much more mature than I am when it comes to committed relationships. He's like a rock. I hope I don't wear him down with my baby whining, trouble-making ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 6:44am

I'm with Judy, I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life! I really want to get married again and have more children, but the problem is, that the guy's I've met who have children have issues (the ones who don't have issues get snatched up right away) and the ones who don't have children tell me "You know, you're a great person and we could really have something if it wasn't for your kids." I got told that Friday night. Unlike my XH's last three girlfriends, I am not shipping my kids off to someone else to make a man happy.

My other fear is safety. I didn't date between 1991 and 2003 because those are the years I was engaged/married. Back then, you didn't hear abut date rape drugs and all that. I have been on one date with a guy I met through OLD that I was glad I was never alone with him. There is no doubt in my mind that he was physically abusive to his ex, and would be to any other woman he got into a relationship with, and I could picture him not taking no for an answer. That convinced me that the first few dates with anyone, no matter how I meet them, I should meet them somewhere, and not be alone with them. I also do not give out my address or home phone number, cell only, until I am comfortable with someone.

Just my 2c
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:48am

Kelly,

This is going off topic a bit. You mentioned OLD and I wanted to respond to that. The more you do OLD, the better you get at it. You can start picking up red flags in the way they write emails. I would make the first meeting very short...coffee date. You learn a lot just by seeing the person in public. After the first meet, I would give out cell phone number only. I would hold back address info and meet the guy for dates until you felt like you could trust him.

OLD is good for single moms because you get that out there right away. The guy knows your deal and what you're looking for, before you meet.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:48pm
He was one of the first OLD I went out with. I have been out with a couple more since then, but I don't seem to do very well with that. Most of the responses I get do not fit what I'm looking for (for some reason I seem to greatly appeal to men older than my parents) or there are big red flags right away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:57pm
It's true. Most of the guys will be duds. You'll get lots of first dates, but very few beyond that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 4:58pm

That is what I have found.

OLD has taught me a lot - that not every guy is a prince charming - you have to wait and see if there are red flags or if he is that into you. I have learned to spot red flags much better.

I have opted to take a break from OLD - and am working on IRL!! Will see what happens.

But the school of OLD is so so good - I learned so much - I have a lot of confidence now.

Keep us posted!!

signature

Pages