QOTW - fear

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
QOTW - fear
26
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 1:51pm

Question of the Week

We all carry fears with us, but there are fears that we have when it just comes to dating or relationships.

If you are NOT in a relationship or just casually dating, what is your biggest fear about dating?

If you are in a relationship, what is your biggest fear in regards to your relationship?

If you are married, what is your biggest fear in regards to your marriage?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 10:33pm
LOL -- thanks for clarifying my "convent" remark, Judy.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cl_west1745
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 10:54pm
A couple of debate boards had threads on this, and they discussed new language that went something like "as long as our love shall last" instead of "til death do us part." While it might be more realistic, it's not romantic and most people didn't really like the new language.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:23am

I think that we can make a "til death do us part" commitment if we have more knowledge on how to choose the right partner and how to stay in love and maintain a healthy relationship where you put your marriage first and grow together.

I have read a lot of Willard Harley's books and found them insightful - he has "falling in love" and "staying in love" down to a science. Also there is another psychologist, John Gottman, who has studied couples interacting together and can predict with 95% accuracy who will divorce in 10 years. His best advice - find a guy who is flexible and into you - because a woman is naturally nurturing and will turn everything upside down to get and keep a spouse - while the man may not. That is a big generalization but I find that to be true in all of the working marriages I see now.

But maybe if a couple thougth they would "lose their contract" after 5 years they would work harder to keep it. LOL!!

I see the problem now with younger generations that there are no values for love, sex, marriage or children.

Wherever children are involved we must have a more serious moral approach rather than one of convenience. But I believe knowledge is power and that working to keep a marriage intact would be extremely beneficial - much more so than a society with love leases.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:57pm

I don't recall alot of red flags Judy and if there were I was probably too young to see them. I did make the mistake of marrying too soon, before I really knew the "real" story. When I met my ex he was sober. He had been sober for about a year. He was a wonderful man. But when he fell off the wagon he became a bitter, irritable person, his entire life revolved around what time he needed to start drinking. He hid it from me for about a year and I became co-dependent. I had no idea what I was in until, believe it or not, his sister helped me out by having me read a book about co-depency. It was like the light turned on.

Before we divorced, he tried several times to quite drinking, but he never put his full heart into it. After about the 5th time and nearly 6 years, I threw the towel in.

Remarkably, he is now sober again and has been for over a year and a half. He has become the "man I married" again, and though its too late for "us", atleast he has become a really good father. I just hope it lasts for my daughter's sake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 1:08pm

Rod Stewart was once quoted as saying that marriage was outdated and "Until death do us part" was meant for the days when people married at 13 and died by 30" LOL

On a more serious note, a therapist once told me that phrase does not have to be taken literally. That sometimes love dies, or trust dies. That helped me a bit, but isn't that what For Better or Worse covers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: cl_west1745
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 1:48pm

Maybe the vows should be revised to say, "until death or divorce do us part." Okay - bad sense of humor. Sorry!

I think it is all well and good to have the intentions of til death do us part. But when a marriage goes down the tubes and is irretriavably broken because only one person wants to/or is able to fix it, there is nothing else you can do.

If a spouse becomes disabled, but does the best he or she can, we accept that - and that is part of for better or for worse.

But if a spouse chooses to begin or continue with dangerous and debilitative behavior, such as alcohol abuse, addiction or abuse of spouse, then it is no longer a marriage - it is a dangerous situation for the spouse and especially the child. Then it is about self defense and survival.

If he hid the alcohol from you then you were not really given a truthful hand of cards. The marriage should be null and void in my opinion.

But at least he is okay now and will hopefully be a good dad for your dd.

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