QOTW: Kids and Expectations/Guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
QOTW: Kids and Expectations/Guilt
22
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 12:46pm

Are your kids old enough to understand that money is tighter as a single parent? As for the Holidays... what are your kids expectations? Are they understanding of your special circumstances?


Do you ever feel guilty? Sometimes I feel that if I had not gotten the divorce then DD would not have to sacrifice like she does. Lesser clothes, less things, than most of her friends. Does the guilt ever make you spend more than you should on the Holidays for your children? I know I do that sometimes.

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 6:47pm

I have been in almost the exact same boat... i get the Santa gift (it means so much to them). My former MIL gets them a ton of stuff (the good stuff too)... but they get only one gift each from me. My exMIL is very nice though and this year since she knows it's been rough on everyone.. she's taking me shopping so that i can put my name on a few things. And she's buying them mostly clothes since she knows how my children are about breaking new toys. It's just not worth it to get them the good toys kwim... plus kids don't know which ones are the expensive toys vs cheap toys.. to them it's new stuff either way... money is better spent on warm new clothes. i think.


the big BUT is that she only helps out with her grandchildren.... which leaves me short for my teenagers. who probably think i love them less or something.. which is NOT true.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 7:36pm
I am lucky in that my son has no expectation. I have kept Christmas gifts to a minimum since he was born (not like he really knew) This year, he asked for one gift from Santa which he will get. He wants Annie and Clarabel which are the coaches for Thomas the Train. I will give a few other items like bath needs and a few pieces of clothing but that is it. He already knows that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus' birthday so I am trying to keep the focus on more family time and such. (btw, everyone time he says baby jesus, I crack up). It is easy to get caught up in the hype of gifts so it does take restraint on my part. I am blessed enough that I could do more but am practical enough not to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 7:39pm

Mark,

I like the volunteering idea. It is something I did prior to having my son and will pick up again as he gets a little older. Thank you for reminding me of this rewarding opportunity.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 7:47pm

I don't get childsupport and yes, I over indulge my children during all the holidays. Sad, but true. They don't want much and they don't ask for much, but I tend to spoil them either way. Guilt? Maybe, but I remember how hard it was for me (my mom was single) not growing up with anything, so maybe I try to give them what I didn't, plus making up for no dad.
HOWEVER, this year is a bit different for several reasons. I spent a very small FORTUNE on their birthdays (remember the magician and carnival party with bounce house for my youngest? and my oldest had a beach party with real sand, tiki torches, stage, disco lights, tiki hut that I built, real fish swimming in several different aquariums), so this year, my X said he'd get my youngest all of her presents and my oldest will go on a huge shopping spree with her Grandma, so between the families they are going to be covered.

My major thing is food and Christmas spirit. So I spend a lot of money on making it a REAL christmassy Griswald event. I find it costs more then presents! BUT this year I'll be with my sister and her family. Last year I was too, but still drove to the mountains to a tree farm, chopped down a tree and bought a tree for the guy I was seeing and we all decorated it together. But this year, the neighbors borrowed me an extra fake tree and I decided not to decorate outside since I won't be around.
For presents....
My youngest will get a hamster, two webkins and a few books(from santa). My oldest will get a bunch of funny stuff in her sock to make her laugh. Being a teenager, she needs that right now.
Both girls will get one major gift from me (aside from santa). My youngest I'm still not sure, but my oldest money to buy whatever and boxing gear.

So sorry, I know I should think tight and I am grateful for having a job and I know I should save save save, but my children and I have been through so much that they deserve me trying my best to give them whatever I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 10:26pm

Since you asked - tho I am not typical in this regard since we are not a sports family and I refuse to "live up to the jones" - I have a small suggestion and a rule I live by re kids activities with no-one to help with the physical (nor emotional for that matter) day to day stuff:- one activity per kid at a time.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 10:56pm
Ya know money has been so tight for years....I do sit my kids down and let them know that it is tight and I ask them if I can only get one thing what woud you want. well my older ones understand and i try like crazy to get that for them and usually my bonuses from cleaning are enough to get them a couple of extras. But over all I have some really great kids with whom I comunicate very well with. 95% of the time I come trough. Last year they were out of Rock Band so
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 8:08am

Pac, interesting question. Dont ever feel guilty about the divorce. You daughter may have less things but she has a peaceful, happy home with no fighting. I think most kids in dysfunctional bickering two parent families would give up their things any day to have a happy home.

I dont feel guilty about not spoiling them this year. I am sick of doing that anyhow and would eventually like to get away from gifts altogether. Maybe next year I can take them to California for thier Christmas gift. This year they know all about the economy and that money is tight for me. They also know I lost a bunch in the stock market. Plus my 17 year cant find a job so she thoroughly understands.

They are past the materialistic stage anyhow. When I asked them what they wanted they both thought long and hard and came up with a hair straightener and that was it. Lol.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 12:33pm

And I am truly blessed with some great kids that understand.


Yep--- you are truly blessed! My dd understands, too. It's ME who puts the expectations on myself too high sometimes.


Thanks for sharing :o)

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 8:52pm
I set my stuff to high as well. Wondering if its going to be enough. Because we want to do more for our kids. We are mom and dad 90% of the time. Even when the kids dads are involved we moms do 90% of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 9:22pm

I dont know, honestly. I *do* know that I want her to be so happy on Xmas, that she wont think too much about her Dad not being in the picture. We already are having occassional bouts of tears here about it, leading up to it.

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