QOTW: Plans and Goals

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
QOTW: Plans and Goals
11
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 2:31pm

I hope the CLs won't mind that I'm doing a QOTW of my own...

I read on the OLD board (thanks to rlch, I now lurk there too- like I have time to add another board! lol) that someone mentioned having a "Plan B" as in what she plans to do with her life if she doesn't meet someone to partner up with. And that got me thinking about people and their goals. And what they consider Plan A and Plan B (or C, D, etc) as far as relationship priorities go. So I just wanted to throw that out there for mulling over...

What would you say was your Plan A, or your primary goal for dating/relating for your life? And how does Plan A incorporate your kids? Education? Career or job?

What would you say was your Plan B? What things do you consider your "backup plan" should you never find that Plan A worked out for you?

I'm going to have to mull this one over a bit myself before I can answer.

~shrimpy, thinking deeply after a morning of grocery/household shopping

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 3:12pm

I'm not sure I understand what the "Plan B" person meant. Maybe that's because I already have kids - was she talking about adoption or having a baby on her own?

What I do with my life really doesn't really depend on whether or not I have a partner. Sure there's compromise with a partner, but my having a partner doesn't enable or disable my plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 3:38pm

For me, my Plan A was to be a farmers wife with a family and take care of my family. That was when I was like 19 yrs. old and guess what...Plan A did not work.

Beginning at 39, I started living Plan B, which is to support myself, take care of my daughter, pay for my home and after my daughter graduates high school, which will be 5 years from now (I HOPE LOL!!), maybe sell my home and move somewhere else. Plan B is flexible in regards to relationships and mainly concerns little ole ME. What I want. Am I selfish or what!!! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 3:57pm

"I'm not sure I understand what the "Plan B" person meant. Maybe that's because I already have kids - was she talking about adoption or having a baby on her own?"

I kinda thought she meant her Plan B was to figure out how to live her life on her own, as a single person if she never found a partner.

What got me wondering about that, is that I'm ALREADY doing that, and that is MY Plan A! Working out my world so I can live in on my own, with my kids, supporting myself and my kids, including my job/career as I can with my kids' needs...

And Plan B would be more like what I'd do if I was to find partner to share my world with- and how I would work all THAT together- my work, kids, job, blending with HIS work, kids, job...

I just found it an interesting way to view priorities (not saying there is a right or wrong way) because I couldn't see myself thinking my world now as I know it (as single mom with kids) to be acceptable as "Plan B"- when I am already living it, and already making it work.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 4:20pm

I don't know that I've ever had a plan a, b, c or d...

I suppose when I was younger, my plan was to go to college, get married, have a couple of children and live happily ever after. When that plan didn't work out, I don't think I consciously planned anything except to get by from day to day.

Once I got a handle on being a single mother (sort of), I began to miss adult contact again. I probably started dating around this time, but I definitely cemented my friendships with amazing women at this time, too.

Now, I would say my plan (if I were to think about it) is to simply enjoy my life. I don't plan at this time to pursue a higher education- but I'm finally on a career path that can fulfill my needs- mental and financial. Things change, so I wouldn't rule out finishing the degree, but I don't have a need for it at this time.

funnyguy and I are living together officially now, and obviously we talked about that before it happened, but we don't talk about getting married every day. It has come up, and neither of us is opposed to it, but it also isn't something we feel HAS to happen. A piece of paper and a couple of rings aren't going to make us any more committed to one another.

Right now I have a pretty long commute and enjoy my job. funnyguy has a very stable career, and probably will not ever change it. I don't have plans to change jobs, and neither does he, but sometimes things happen. He works in an industry that's in literally every town in the country, so he could find work anywhere. It wouldn't be as easy for me, but it's possible. If he were offered a job somewhere far away, and wanted desperately to take it, I know I'd definitely consider moving with him. However, it would have to be an area that would provide what I would consider a BETTER life for my family. The same life wouldn't cut it, since to me, there'd be no point in moving. Luckily, I know him well enough to know hje would never plan to do something that huge without really weighing all of the pros and cons and discussing it at length.

Back to my plan, the rest of it is simply to live my life. I want to raise my children in a happy, stable, loving environment where all of their needs and some of their desires are met. I'm doing that now, so I guess I plan to just continue doing what I'm doing. I finally feel a sense of peace, and if it weren't for the long hours I work now, life would be as good as it gets.

Maybe part of my lack of planning is my father's illness. I have seen firsthand how quickly all of a person's best laid plans can simply fall apart. I know my father wishes he had done certain things while he could, and instead was busy making plans for the future.

While I value the fact that he was an exceptionally hard-working man, I also know for myself that planning for the future only works when you're sure you have a future. I can't know that, and try instead to enjoy today. Tomorrow's going to come whether I planned for it or not, and living in the moment has become my way of life.

Moody, not huge on planning


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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 4:33pm
I pretty much always lived plan "A" without a man, even when I was married. I think I only officially saw my husband for 2 out of 6 years. I have accomplished everything I ever set my mind on without a man. The only thing I finally plan on doing now is getting my own home. Something I wanted as bad as everything else I've already done or am doing. I wanted to go to Europe, I did it. I wanted to go back to school, I did it. I wanted to change career jobs, I did it. I have set my mind on everything I truely wanted (except a relationship) and succeeded in it. So now, Plan B would be to find someone. However, if I don't, I hope to have enough friends and be as active and social (maybe a bingo lady) to live my life fully and not negative and bitter like my mother became. She is my inspiration for never looking back (she still holds on to the past with bitterness), always looking forward and always hoping that everything will turn out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 6:28pm

Plan A - top tier priorities - continue to grow my business, pay off my debt so I can go into more of a retire mode, help DS become a happy and self sufficient citizen, stay fit and healthy. Also to maintain a good relationship with my family - which means making time for them, keeping in touch with them and setting boundaries with them.

There is no Plan B at this point - I am 45. I have the kid and the house. I do not "need" to be married and would only get married if it really made sense and to someone whom I thought it would work the rest of my life. I am done having biological children of my own. The infant days while hard, were cherished, but not to be repeated at this point in my life.

Maybe my anti-marriage sentiment is here because I still have some bitter memories of my exh being so selfish and not caring about me or my happiness and the feeling of being belittled by and stifled by him and also being settled now in my divorced state. I have accomplished a LOT in the past 7 years - I mean the things I have done and acquired are beyond my wildest dreams and I feel very self sufficient and strong like a rock. I think the biggest turning point was when I was reading a thread on my triathlon board about all the people who want to qualify for the Kona Ironman and they can't because of family obligations. All of a sudden I realized that I have a clean slate and I am very lucky because I have the time, the coach and the health. And I also have loved and cherished every bit of freedom to remodel stuff and decorate stuff around here without an opinion that doesn't like what I like. And I have had magnificent trips to places my exh would never go - he only likes to be with his family for vacation UGH. But they say the past is not a prologue so I also know I have to keep an open mind.

As for dating - I am dating someone I like, who also likes me. Our new relationship is growing and so far we are both happy with each other and we seem to complement each other and want to do the same things. We are at that point where we can see each one is not perfect but I think we both like and accept the imperfections we see so far and we are not afraid to unveil our true selves.

Dating for me is simmering nicely on the back burner - it is a "nice to have" and yes I do put effort into it as far as looking good and wanting to be treated good and Lord knows I have done the research for dating and relationships and the differences between men and women and all that jazz. But it is not my focus. It never has been which is probably what got me into my situation - but it is not like I can turn back the hands of time and be in my 20s and meet the man of my dreams and have a family - I gave up that for my career and married late which is why I just have one kid.




Edited 9/6/2007 6:38 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 6:35pm
I should also have said that I LOVE that you posted a QOTW! Good stuff - we always appreciate new questions, ideas and enthusiasm!!!! Thanks for thinking of it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:09am

I tried to post some of my thoughts on this last night, but for some reason iV was NOT letting me do anything. :-P Now that I've typed it all out, I'm using the Frazzled icon just because I might mess up your mind with this one. LOL

Anyway, in my way of overanalyzing, I've come up with some separations in my mind. There's Dream A and Dream B as far as what I invisioned for myself and my life when I was younger. And then there was always a Plan A for accomplishing Dream A (and maybe Dream B too).

My Dream A when I was younger- was to be successful in my career as a nurse. Mainly in the field of emergency, and had thoughts of being a flight nurse. Being a wife and mother was NOT part of Dream A- but maybe Dream B. Something I would like to do with my life eventually, but not what I was actively seeking.

So Plan A back then- was to go through paramedic school and then work as a Medic as I put myself through nursing school. All of that went fine... and I did just that. Got my first job out of nursing school right smack in an ER. Perfect! Plan A/Dream A was working nicely. Although I'd tossed out the idea of being part of AirLife (flight nursing) by then, because once I got to know some of the crews, I decided the personality type they were (or needed to be)- was not my type (or how I was). So being grounded in the ER was fine with me at that point.

At the time, Dream B was still not high on my list or part of any active Plan, though I was still going out often (at the time, clubbing) and meeting new people. I did at least realize that if I ever DID want Dream B to come about, it wouldn't happen if I just did nothing but be at work and stay at home.

Then in rolls my ex- and we did a whirlwind thing with getting married (stupid, stupid, stupid!!!) and then later, in comes MonkeyButt and then I quit working to stay at home to be with him. That part wasn't stupid, but that part did de-rail my whole Dream A off the track completely. I wanted to work part-time and keep my foot in the door, but my ex griped and whined and made each morning I had to go to work, a day that started out with a fight. Sheesh that I'd end up showing up for work in tears so often. So I backed off on trying to mix Dream A and Dream B just to stop the fighting. (It didn't- it just shut him up for a short while- but because I backed down and didn't stand up for myself then- it started a whole train of events that led to everything else going downhill later.)

So then the new Plan A became being a good SAHM. The last Plan A was finished anyway (school, getting the dream job) and it was time to have a new plan.

When things went bad with the marriage, then I had to develop a Plan B... how to be a mom to 2 kids as a single mom. Dream A was gone (or at least VERY much on hold), and Dream B (the wife/mother/family thing) was disappearing, too.

I think I did okay with that- making a Plan B work... and through the divorce, my (yet another) new Plan A was then changed to being a good Single Mom.

So now there is still a slight Dream A still "out there"- of having a nursing career. Dream B (being a mom) is now a dream I never dreamed of having (being a SINGLE Mom). And then there comes Dream C- the possibility of creating a new family one day with someone else, and not growing old alone. Again- it's not the first thing on my list, but it is still something that is now on my list.

So the current Plan A is to keep working on being a good Single Mom. To try to be around for their needs as they need, and to teach them to grow up into responsible beings. To encourage them to be kids and not grow up TOO fast, either.

And in the middle of that, I'm trying to let Plan B seep in- redeveloping a potential nursing career again. So I'm juggling the Single Mom thing with a part-time job with a local nursing school. Eventually I'd like to get back into the trenches with hands-on patient care again.

And yes, there is a Plan C too... that goes with Dream C. To develop a relationship that might one day grow into one that I can rely on, and share my old years with someone special. That's where I am with Hiker. No plans to dive into Dream C, but just letting things ride and see how it goes. I'd like to go further with Plan A and Plan B first, before pushing for Plan C.

So there it is. My long and rambly thoughts. I guess reading that someone had a "Plan B" for figuring out how to live alone- just struck me as odd, since my "living alone" aspect was always part of my initial plans. Adding a partner was never a primary focus or part of a Plan A. And I guess I posed the QOTW because I was curious if more people thought of living alone as a consolation prize or Plan B, rather than just what they should be working on being good at, RIGHT NOW- because that is where they ARE right now.

I realize that this is a dating board, so the stories and focus we see/hear most are all aspects of dating... but is the dating Plan A or Plan B for you? How important is it, that you find a partner?

~shrimpy, hoping iV won't give me an error THIS time

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:15pm

What a great question to ponder. I guess I don't really see myself as a Plan A, Plan B type of a girl. I have a Plan and seem to just adjust it as time goes on depending on what is working for me at the time.

So right now my plan is to apply for nursing school at the local community college. I no longer wanted to work as a paralegal and have been working at the university trying to figure out what I want to do. I was unsure whether or not I wanted to pursue a masters degree or something else. I think graduate school may be too much and would most definitely have to be too many hours a week to keep up with my job and the kids. I wasn't really sure what kind of a master's degree I would want to pursue anyway.

I looked at the BSN here at the university and I think it would just pose way too much of a challenge for me to try to continue working. So I will go the community college route. If I want to pursue a MSN later I will be able to do that since I already have an undergrad degree. I think nursing will give me good flexibility for the kids and be able to have a good income to support us. Since the "wait list" is so long I will be able to get all of my course work out of the way before I do any of my clinicals so it is very doable.

I also would like a R with someone that loves me, is good to my kids and has things in common with me. Hopefully I will find that special someone, right now we are fine on our own. We have a good routine and everyone knows what to expect.

My main objective is to keep our home/house. Keeping it up and paying the mortgage has been a bit difficult but I have been sacrificing other things to be sure that happens. Finding a career that is flexible and works with my and the kid's schedules was the goal. I think nursing will do that.

Those are really my only plans for now. I'm sure it will change as my children grow and things change in our lives.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 5:23am

I *have* a plan B, i just may chicken out on it.


My PROBLEM is i dont REALLY, at this stage in my life, absolutely want to meet someone & be with them 4-ever. Of course, that could change in an instant if i met "the one" ... but who knows.

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