QOTW: Recipe for marriage
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QOTW: Recipe for marriage
| Sun, 11-20-2005 - 7:43pm |
Okay girls. Let's make a "soup" recipe - the post by Tonihan got me thinking that we need to compile a message thread that will help all of us - and it can be a community soup because we will all add a little something good to it.
If you do want to be married, what should you be doing or not doing? What is YOUR recipe!! I know we are all single, but all of us have good opinions and knowledge on how to find the right one and have a healthy relationship. Fivesense has met someone who is really into her and so has Alison. First has gotten a lot of good advice from her counselor and is very strong from her good decisions. And I have read a ton of books - just waiting to meet the right one!!

Great idea Judy!
I would have to say the top "ingredients" that pop up in my mind are:
1) Love- of yourself, flaws and all.
I think that if you do want to be married you have to be a little more educated about the dating process.
The first rule of the day is to go slow - not rush things by doing too much together too fast too soon. Keep it casual and light - let the guy lead. See what his intentions are and where he is in life. Some men are only interested in a physical relationship and or are not that into you.
Like Alison said, you really have to love yourself. You really have to know what you want and what works for you. And then you have to find a guy who is into you and who sees you as someone he wants to marry.
But to go out and just date and become a booty call or friend with benefits will not get you to the altar. There are plenty of stories like that on this board. I think you have to ask questions first and have sex later!!
So true Judy!
I've been through therapy, worked on my "baggage", become the version of myself that I've always wanted to be. I've met someone whom I adore and the feeling is mutual. We both want the same things out of life and believe we can have that life together. But we are both scared to death - and I mean terror - at the thought of what marriage will look like, you know...the extras... bonus kids, ex's on both sides, loss of sense of self (thats me), loss of freedom (thats him), boundaries, personal space, etc etc, blah blah blah. The usual "soup" of issues I assume second-timers find themselves worrying about. I am tiring of the back and forth relationship we have. It would be eaiser, more enjoyable, financially beneficial, and probably more convenient to be married living together under one roof. But neither of us can bring ourselves to that point. I am equally torn between renewing my condo lease for another year and bringing the issue to the table! How do you take that next step...?
This is an excellent question. And I don't have an easy answer for you, to be honest. I think you are amazingly smart to see all of this ahead of time.
Have you and your SO discussed this topic?
I think that if I was you, I would want to really take my time and discuss things up front with my SO. Also to see HOW he handles everything - does he protect you and set boundaries to keep your relationship good? I know I would want him to be open to reading books and taking classes or going to counseling sessions about bonus families and their issues.
To me, slower would be better - take your time and incorporate discussion about these things slowly and see where it leads.
You do want to be careful because all of these other commitments are important. Children and exes are in your lives first. Children do matter and you cannot forsake them. So you have to fit them. But over time, children grow up and they can adapt to many things. Is your life better off with him and his kids? If they are well-disciplined and if his ex is kept in her place you could do okay. But if the ex causes a ruckus that he can't control and his kids would be a bad influence on yours then you are wise to see that might not be okay.
I hope the others chime in - and maybe a few of our alumni will give you their experiences as well. I do know that many women who used to be on this board remarried and had to deal with these same issues and they seemed okay.
Good luck and keep us posted. I hope I have helped a little.
Judy - excellent things to think about. On one hand, marriage looks soooooo appealing... but underneath the warm fuzzies is reality; the blending of yours and mine into "ours", yet keeping the distance needed to remain true to oneself (and respect our ex's roles in their children's lives). I guess I've got a case of wanting the whole cake... I know I have to make concessions somewhere. I just don't want to make another HUGE mistake.
It's hard to go from totally independent do-it-all-yourself super woman single Mom to the wife role again. I think I proved to myself I don't NEED a husband... that it is a very personal choice on my part. Now I am so protective of this that maybe I've gone overboard. My SO asked me last night if I saw myself "surrendering" to someone (him!) and allowing myself to be "taken care of". I didn't care for the verbage and reacted to that - but he clarified it by asking me if he fits into my life and am I willing to share my soul with him? I realized that after 1.5 years with this man - I haven't opened up that far. I am scared, plain and simple. On this site (Ivillage) is an article of the things men are scared of when it comes to marriage - and a lot of those on the list scare me, too!!! Guess we aren't always mars and venus, huh?!
You sound so much like me!! :-)
He must be one sweet special guy to say those things to you. Yes, we are different from men and this sounds like a classic venus mars scenario to me.
I think you two should take the time to talk it all out - how you feel, what your concerns are. I do know totally what you mean by it is hard to go from being supermom/superwoman to a wife role. I have been in absolute pig heaven with running my own show. I think I have created a monster!! But I do know that family and memories are what matters most in life and I know I would love to have the opportunity to get married to the right person and have it last a lifetime.
It is all scary - but certainly navigatable. Keep us posted!!
Maybe the next QOTW should be related to the "Superwoman single-Mom" complex we tend to fall into after divorce (or we quickly marry hubby #2, I see this quite often). How to work through the insulting feeling we have when some man waltzes into our lives wanting to "help" - when our first response is "Excuuuse me? Do I look like I need your help?!" So far this is the only man who has called me on that attitude, rather than bolting for the door! Yes - he is special, that's for sure! Ha Ha!
I'll keep you posted!
Girl,
I'm a little concerned here by this statement: "It would be eaiser, more enjoyable, financially beneficial, and probably more convenient to be married living together under one roof."