QOTW: Is sex on the 1st date a mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
QOTW: Is sex on the 1st date a mistake?
27
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:36am

I just read this article and thought it could make for a good conversation with lots of viewpoints!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:51am

While I understand and agree in principle with this article....that it is wise to get to know a person on different levels, what their motivation is (just sex or will he ever be interested in a good relationship, too), and safety factors like STD's, I think it assumes too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:58am
I've done this twice and that does not include Shane...we didn't have sex for a loooong time because he respects me...even if he wanted to rip my clothes off the first night we met ;)


Both of my experiences were just a date to dinner and nothing more and things just happened. I wasn't intoxicated, but just very comfortable with the guy and knew him, so it wasn't just a thing where I just met him or anything. And on my part, I know for sure it wasn't planned to sleep over.

I don't necessarily think it's a BAD thing, but it usually doesn't end up in a good bond between the two parties. Normally the women are chasing down the guy for the emotional relationship, but this time both guys tried to win me over and I ended up dumping both of them. I'm glad I waited with Shane though. It was worth it!!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:02am
Mel, you and Shane were only friends for a long time because you were in love and involved with somebody else at the time, for many more months to come, after you met him.
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:03am

I also agreed with alot of this article. Particularly the avoiding alcohol on first dates. Although J and I did not avoid it.


Sex on a first date would be a HUGE no no for me. Even if I DID know that person well already. I think if I am

Becky

 

 

Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:59am
I think in general..the article is right, but with most things there are exceptions to the rule.

The only time I've ever had sex on the first day was with my now husband...but since we're having trouble right now...I can't say with any certainty whether things would have been better/worse/different if we hadn't.

I do know that it was out of character for me...but didn't feel "wrong" or "empty" at the time..or even looking back on it.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:55pm
Jerry and I had sex on second date but like Maggie had been emailing/IM for a couple weeks prior for many hours a day!!

I did have hesitance that night - we talked about it - but I did it anyway !! Still together - 9 months now.

Do I regret it - NOPE - thats the one area that well... we both are very compatible and it hasnt ceased yet!! hee hee


Pardon my pun--- but I got lucky !

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:33pm
I agree with this article - thanks for posting it.

I try to avoid settings that will make sex-too-soon too tempting in the beginning. I only want to have sex with someone who wants a monogamous relationship with the possibility of marriage and a long-term commitment. The problem as I see it, is if you have sex with a guy too soon you will have a huge emotional attachment and he will not be ready for that or the expectations.

Plus it is so special - better to wait than treat it like "fast food."

Unfortunately I do speak from the experience of "mistakes" in the past where I did have it too soon.

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:01pm
While I agree with a lot of the article and think there are good points, I'm old enough to have learned there are very few black and white answers for every circumstance. I don't think you necessarily have to avoid alcohol though you should definitely have a good idea of your tolerance level and general experience in that situation.

As for puting each other at risk, my rule of thumb was always not without protection until both of you had been to the dr to rule out any std's including an hiv test regardless of how long you've been together.

As for it's never a good idea and leaves you feeling empty. Not always. I slept with my dh on the first date which I'd never done before. But I'd already done a lot of thinking prior to the date about how I felt I wanted to handle that situation if it came up and it was therefore premeditated to a certain degree. I've always made a point of not sleeping with someone unless I've already mulled it over in my mind for a few days (not fantasized about being with them but really weighed my feelings on the issue from different angles) so that I wouldn't be making that decision in the heat of the moment. And he wasn't pushing for that at all--heck about 2/3 of the way through the evening I finally had to ask him if he wanted to kiss me. LOL He was trying to be a gentleman and first date sex wasn't his pattern either. Basically I was calling the shots and he was clearly surprised. We had been talking on the phone every day that week but I can't say that I can really use the we were friends first argument. We had done a lot of talking already on that first date though about our backgrounds, how he felt about me having a child and if this went somewhere it was a package deal, about his own step-father who was fabulous and he was already suggesting future activities for us. I had a really good idea of his overall character and both of us knew before we even went out that the nature of both our personalities meant this wasn't going to be a one time thing so we'd better be prepared for a relationship if we even went out. (Don't quiz me about how we knew that, it was totally a gut instinct thing on both our parts which we've since talked about a lot.)

Anyway, that was 3 years ago and we've been happily married for a little over a year now, and have lived together for over two years. So, while I definitely wouldn't recommend it, it doesn't always turn out badly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:26pm
Actually, I was available when I met Shane and went out with him for the first time. I was kind of an idiot and ended up dating others because I was scared of Shane. Not in a bad way, but scared that I'd fall for him because he was EXACTLY what I knew I deserved and wanted in a man. I was afraid to get involved with a man that respected me as much as he did, so I opted for the whole Zac issue instead. I was wrong to get involved with him, but I did because I thought that's what I was supposed to do at the time. Now I know that sometimes we just have to make mistakes in order to make the right decision. And I'm glad I did.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:02pm
I think these articles always assume that the woman in the scenario is seeking a relationship. I guess I might be opening up another point of discussion here by asking,

What's wrong with a woman who just wants to have sex?

When I was newly separated I wanted this. It was not a matter of self-esteem or a need to feel loved, it was a primitive need to connect with something other than my vibrator ;) After two years of a non-existent sex life, preceeded by four years of lousy sex...I placed a high importance on the matter! I did it a couple of times. And although it had no real meaning, it certainly didn't leave me feeling empty! And both times turned into really great short-term flings (not at the same time though!). It was just what I needed.

I guess I don't really see what the big issue is, if you're safe and discriminate about who you choose.

In terms of seeking a relationship...is it a mistake? I suppose for the majority yes. For the inexperienced, yes. But in my case? well, by the time I met D, I knew I was ready and I waited....until the 2nd date. ;) That was 2 years ago and so far so good. :)

Here's another question for ya: In this day and age many relationships are beginning via internet, and people are getting to know eachother in a somewhat accelerated fashion via email and telephone before they even ever make it to a first date: How much do you think this type of initial "courting" contributes to sex on the first or second date?

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