QOTW - what does slow mean to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
QOTW - what does slow mean to you?
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Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:09pm

Steph just got a question from a poster on "what does slow mean" and I think that is a great topic for this board so I am posting for everyone to discuss. I have even had an occasion where a man I was dating wanted to go slow - and this meant something entirely different to him than to me although I didn't realize it at the time until after we broke up - he meant slow with his heart while I thought he meant slow with something else!!

I hope we get opinions from everyone - c'mon lurkers - we want your two cents worth too. Even if you see someone posts your opinion it is good to post it again so we can see what everyone thinks.

Now, this is not a fight or debate - there are NO wrong answers. Just want to see what everyone thinks "slow" means in a dating relationship. I think this is a great exercise so when you both say you want to go slow you will clarify that you are on the same page.

Slow could mean slow to commit, slow to have sex, slow to move in, not see each other too much, etc.

AND if you have tips for going slow that is even better!! LOL!!




Edited 6/21/2006 6:16 pm ET by cl-west1745

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:36pm
Here is a funny comic URL I found on another site that has humor about the slow thing:
http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:50pm

Going slow, huh? Judy brought this thread up to my attention specifically because I have been "going slow" with Hiker...

I just know everyone has their own idea of what "slow" is, and there IS no set rule or pace. Just that everyone needs to be true to their own pace and not let anyone pressure you to go any faster than you want. And if the other person can't slow down for you, then he/she is not the right person for you (unless you LIKE living with the pressure!).

As for Hiker and I... we are taking it slow. We've been dating for 10 months (as of today!) and no "I love you's" said yet. I've been in relationships where it's said in less than 2 months and looking back at it, I'm not sure if we even knew each other well enough to have said it already after only 2 months! I've had my share of too much, too fast and I just know I'm not doing THAT again. So I'm glad that Hiker and I are BOTH taking it slow and that the pace matches. We are taking it slow in that neither one of us are altar-racing. We have not discussed any thought/idea/possibility of getting married although we have agreed that we both do intend to remarry "one day". We just haven't talked specifically about marrying each other or expecting any certain time frame. Like I said... we're taking it slow, and just enjoying each other's company for now. Neither one of us are desperate to make that big commitment again or to rush into it when we do.

As for the sex part, I think we went semi-slow on that part. Maybe we could've waited longer, but at the same time, it's not like we went after it after only 3 dates. I'm not exactly sure how long we waited, but I think it was more like 3 months. I'd have to dig up my old calendar to see, but I think it was around that time frame. For some, that would've been too fast, others- too slow. But for us, it was right for each of us. He made it clear that he wanted to but did not pressure me or made me feel like I had to. I KNEW I wanted to, but I didn't make it seem like that was all I was after, either. It was just the right timing for us.

We also agree with going slow as far as trying to meld the family of kids together. We've had some activities with all of us, some with just him and my kids... but not all that many. And surely no intentions of "testing out the family" when we are doing our outings. We just go do things like a couple of friends with kids, out doing things. So we're going slow on that part, too... because there is no reason to have the kids get attached to anything or anyone until WE know for sure where we will be headed and agree on WHEN that will happen. But we're not totally hiding the kids from each other as we're letting ourselves grow.

I simply enjoy his company, and we take it one day at a time, one date at a time. I think it also helps in moving slow (if that's what you want) to NOT have the boyfriend over after the kids are in bed. I think that is really asking for things to move faster than they should. I know I avoided doing that with Hiker for awhile, and even after we'd already been intimate, I still didn't push for that. I wanted our time together to be a decent evening, not just "like a quickie" (although we have had one or two of those, too- lol). I just don't ever want those quickie evenings to become habit. I refuse to make myself that kind of habit.

So while we have been dating exclusively since forever, and dating intimately since not-quite-forever... we are still taking it day by day and not rushing for anything. Not focused on any certain goal other than just enjoying each other's company. I really do think I could just date him for years without marrying just because I like where I live, I don't want to move (it's my house, don't wanna sell it), and the thought of blending families right now just doesn't seem to be something I want to pursue. I suppose that if I was wanting that, I might be more discontent about moving slowly... but for me, for us- moving slowly works JUST FINE.

I'll be interested to see what anyone else has to say.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 4:50am

Hello everyone,

I was encouraged by Judy's invitation for lurkers to de-lurk (something I've been wanting to do for a while) and thought it would be polite to introduce myself before going into the "going slow" question. I feel as if I already know so much about all of you, which is weird, but anyway, here goes ;o) (have come to the end of my message, I hope it is long and interesting, rather than long and boring!!)

I am Clemmy, 37 years old, and single mum to DS(8) and DD(6). I am lucky to have a good relationship with my ex-husband - we separated four years ago and have been divorced for two (lazy with paperwork!!) and he sees our children regularly, and is a good father. I have been in an exclusive relationship with a lovely man six years my junior (lucky me!!) for 10 months and things are mostly great. We had a few teething troubles, but we both have the will to sort out issues as they arise, and work together to combat our difficulties in talking about certain delicate things.

The question of taking things slowly has always been one that has interested me. It was something I was always determined to do, mainly for the children's sakes - typical feelings of not wanting them to get attached too much in case things didn't work out. However, I do think that life carries with it so many risks, and nothing is carved in stone, so a couple of weeks ago, I plucked up all my courage to tell my little ones that my boyfriend was indeed "my boyfriend" - they were delighted, as I had been bringing him slowly into their lives, as a friend, since the beginning of this year, at his request. It really has made the practical side of our lives easier - now he is starting to visit at the weekend when the children are at home, and we have done a couple of "days out" the four of us, so not only do we get to spend more time together, but it also means lots of fun for the children too, as he is really lovely with them.

I also believe that everyone has their own timescale, which is right for them. We also all know our own children and can probably sense when the time is right to start bringing our other halves into their lives. I would not do so with someone I was casually dating, or did not see a future with, not particularly because I believe this is "wrong" (I hate that word) but simply because it would not be in anyone's best interest.

I thought I was taking things extra slowly, until I read Shrimpy's post! I, too, like things the way they are right now and am looking forward to helping my boyfriend find a new flat over the summer. No intentions of moving him in for a while yet. One vent - it does irritate me slightly when friends say to us "sooo, when are you two getting married then?" or "how come you're not living together yet?" - but it's all well-meant, so I tend to just smile and not let it get to me. We're just fine the way we are :o)

Hope I find time to post more regularly. This is a wonderful board.

Best wishes to everyone,
C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:47am

To me, going slow means not having sex too soon. If there is no exclusivity to the relationship, then there will be "no sex".

My ideas on living together have changed since I became a mom. No living together until after marriage. That's not going slow. That's just how I like live. It has more to do with keeping finances separate than anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 11:06am

Interesting question, Judy.
I am definately a fan of slow, did the hot and heavy, fast and furious thing when younger and certainly lived to regret it. If I even met someone worthwhile, it must be slow. Since I'm not a gal to ever mince words, I will let him know from day one, I'm not interested in anything serious, no living together and definately no marriage. Slow means no pressure, things progress at a natural, comfortable pace.
The sex can be semi-slow, but at a comfortable pace. If he turns out to be a decent guy, then maybe, I'll introduce to my daughter and if he has kids the same thing, or if we both mututally decide that we don't want to that's ok too. I've never had the type of non-commitment relationship I would like at this point in my life, so I'm sure lots of rules and boundaries will be set up as needed. The hard part is to find someone ok with this, easier said than done as guys who don't want committment usually just want one night stands. They don't want to invest anything emotionally. I want someone who wants to be my boyfriend, someone like me whose been there, done that and just wants a caring relationship without all the entaglements.

Life is so ironic, when I was younger and wanted a serious relationship, no such luck.
Men would run the other way. Now that I want the opostite, most seem to want kids and marraige or just sex with nothing else. It's either one or the other with no middle ground. I want the middle ground.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:07pm

I hear ya, taina920! Well put! I want that middle ground as well. I've had the fast & furious sex-only when I was younger and I don't want that now (it would be SOOO easy to get, because so many online guys seem to be on the sex-hunt). I don't want the altar-racer either (and that's the other extreme of the online dating that thankfully I haven't quite run into, but close). I just want to enjoy things day by day and have the commitment required to be exclusively dating (not wandering eyes, trying to see what's better out there). I want the relationship to be a safe place where deeper feelings can develop and grow, but not to feel rushed or forced into feeling anything before I'm truly sure of what I feel. No fantasy dreams of what-could-be but to just date with reality in place. I'm thankful that with Hiker, our only goal at this point is to just grow and let things develop as they develop.

~shrimpy, glad to see she's not the only slow-mover!

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:28pm

Excellent question and I am very interested in all of the answers so far. As for me, I am beyond slow and downright stopped! That being said, when the right person comes along for me to even date, I have every intention of going slow. Unlike some others, I would like to get married one day and have the more traditional family home, for both myself and my daugher. In the meantime, slow, slow, slow! I haven't tested the going slow plan yet, but when I do, I intend for it to be:

As someone else said, no sex until exclusive. I would add that the exclusivity has to be by choice - with an eye toward a future together - not exclusive because neither of us happens to have anyone else at the moment.

My daughter will not meet the man until we have reached that exclusive point described above. If he and I have no intention of staying together in a committed relationship, then she does not need to be brought into the mix. For me, Mommy's casual dating relationships do not have to affect her life.

No living together until married (or at least engaged).

You know, start out with casual dating and friendship and if things progress to the point where we care that much about each other that we want to be exclusive with an eye toward the future, then everything else follows. As I said, I have not tried this method. I was always a sex first, think later kind of girl and being a mom has changed that. My daughter's father and I lived together. I want more of a commitment before I live with anyone again - both for me and for her. Slow, slow, slow! :)

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:09pm
Thanks for just getting it. Some people I know think I'm crazy for feeling this way. Hey, I've been married twice, I don't want anymore kids, and I don't want to give up the life that I worked very hard to establish for myself and my kids. All 3 of my kids are totally on board with me on that one especially my 2 adult kids who saw first hand how miserable my second marraige was for all of us.
People just don't get that just because you want a casual relationship, dosen't mean that you want a one night stand, or something that is uncarring and unfeeling. I paid my dues and then some, I've earned the right to have a relationship on my own terms.
There is such a double standard in society, if a man say he wants casual, it's ok, but when a women says it, eyebrows raise.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 2:02pm

Shrimpy,

I don't think I could have expressed my situation any clearer than you have yours!!! I am right there where you and Hiker are.

There is no way in h*** I would ever live with someone or vice versa! It completely goes against my personal beliefs. If that works for somebody else, then all the power to them. It just isn't right for me.

I also won't jump into a fast sexual relationship. However, I am happy that I have now broken my all time record for celibacy. LOL!

It is very interesting to hear how everybody views taking it slow. I don't think I would survive another divorce and will take every precaution to avoid that.
Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:10pm

Well, I haven't read ahead, and so far there are 9 other posts, so I'm really excited to see what slow really means to everyone else. This is an excellent question because it's recently come up in a couple of conversations I've had. (and I haven't deliberately been holding out on the details, I've just been busy, I swear!)

I usually mean I want to take things slow emotionally when I tell men I want to take things slow. I don't think I've ever used the phrase "let's take things slow" any other way. I usually only use it when I'm unsure of how I feel about a guy, and want to take my time getting to know him.

Or, wrong as this may be, I use it as a euphamism for "I'm just not that into you emotionally, but I have fun with you and you're a cool person, but I don't see this going anywhere for me beyond that." I don't seem to get attached easily emotionally anymore.

The fact that I want to take things slow sexually is pretty obvious to them when I don't sleep with them, I think.

Moody- who has to read the rest of the posts now because she's dying of curiosity!


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