QOTW - what does slow mean to you?
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| Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:09pm |
Steph just got a question from a poster on "what does slow mean" and I think that is a great topic for this board so I am posting for everyone to discuss. I have even had an occasion where a man I was dating wanted to go slow - and this meant something entirely different to him than to me although I didn't realize it at the time until after we broke up - he meant slow with his heart while I thought he meant slow with something else!!
I hope we get opinions from everyone - c'mon lurkers - we want your two cents worth too. Even if you see someone posts your opinion it is good to post it again so we can see what everyone thinks.
Now, this is not a fight or debate - there are NO wrong answers. Just want to see what everyone thinks "slow" means in a dating relationship. I think this is a great exercise so when you both say you want to go slow you will clarify that you are on the same page.
Slow could mean slow to commit, slow to have sex, slow to move in, not see each other too much, etc.
AND if you have tips for going slow that is even better!! LOL!!
Edited 6/21/2006 6:16 pm ET by cl-west1745

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To me, slow means a few things. First, the amount of TIME spent together and the amount of time spent on the phone. I am sure we have all lived through the relationship that goes too much too fast too soon in this manner. Don't want to do anything like that any time soon.
It also means going slow SEXUALLY. I know for myself that when I have sex too soon it clouds my judgement and then gives the relationship a whole new focus and priority. I want to spend time getting to know someone and to develop good nonsex activities and to see if we are really compatible. I don't want sex without exclusivity. But I don't want to push the exclusivity too soon just to have the sex.
Slow does mean EMOTIONALLY. I am not going to confuse infatuation with real deep love. I don't want to assume I am going to get married rignt off the bat - that is a much bigger deal to me this time around since I fell off that horse the first time. I have life circumstances that are not the same as when I was in my 20s - meaning possessions and a child and responsibilities. So I have to maintain these things and make sure they will remain a focus in my life.
Don't want to live with someone or PLAY HOUSE. Was not this way in my younger days. Don't mind if others do this - each person has to decide what is right for them. But my situation is not the same nor is it as footloose and fancy free as when I was young. I have worked hard for my house and I don't want any new room mates.
Just don't want any more confusion of the heart - I am sure I will be more confident and more into what I need the next time around. Will wait and see how things pan out over time and through different circumstances. Enjoy the moment more - instead of rushing through the milestones.
I know I will clarify better, too, when a guy says or agrees that he wants to go slow. As I said in my first post for this thread, I did date someone who wanted to go slow. I was delighted. But he didn't mean sexually - he meant emotionally and timewise.
Slow doesn't mean "stopped" though. The relationship will go foward like a lazy river. Slow. At its own pace with no one "pushing." Lots of conversation - but not too much at once. Little stories unveiled along the way - after all - at my age some of the chapters are written and I know the other person will have the same.
This has been a great thread. Everyone has added a great point and story. And I hope to hear more, too.
Thanks West for posting this question for I'm am Steph's poster who asked this.
When I hear "I want to take this slow" from a woman, I interpret her to mean, "I want to wait X number of weeks/months until we have sex."
When I think about me wanting to take a relationship slow, I mean I don't want to even THINK about living together (which I won't anyway without marriage) or marriage until way over a year of being together, much less talk about it.
Now I have no problem of saying "I love you" for I can easily love a person. To be "in love" is another matter. I also avoid saying those 3 words for I know that means different things to different people.
I never thought of taking a relationship slow or fast before, for before I just followed my instincts and did what felt right for me.
Thanks again,
"Steph's poster" Mark
Kewllll... sounds like what I want and how I approach relationships...
Mark
"I just want to enjoy things day by day and have the commitment required to be exclusively dating (not wandering eyes, trying to see what's better out there). I want the relationship to be a safe place where deeper feelings can develop and grow, but not to feel rushed or forced into feeling anything before I'm truly sure of what I feel. No fantasy dreams of what-could-be but to just date with reality in place."
EXCELLENT - couldn't agree more. You are very good with this - and boy am I glad I asked you to help us with this thread!! :-)
Thank to all of you who liked what I said! I'm actually surprised that so many agree with me, especially when I've seen/heard of so many who meet someone and get caught up and don't go slow! I really did think I was going to be "odd man out" when I responded.
Anyway, I know I sound so very grounded about the "going slow" thing, but I surely didn't come by it naturally! I remember the last man I dated (some of you know of him as Marlboro Man if you're a DASP regular)... he was nice enough, and we got along great. But he was one of those who didn't want to move slow and many times, would simply ignore my wishes for space. I was (stupidly) not taking it very slow in the verbal "I love you's" or slow in having sex. And looking back, I shouldn't have been surprised that things moved too quickly for me. But at the time, I was enjoying the fact that this nice person that I got along with so well, that he wanted to spend so much time with me! I was kinda swept away until I simply got smothered by it! He would just start showing up at my house after work (didn't call first) and whether we'd made any plans to have a date or not, there he'd be, ringing my doorbell. I told him he needed to call first and then what did he do- he'd call as he was coming over... and before we could hang up, he'd be at my door anyway. So how was THAT any different!??!? But yeah- giving me NO space was not my idea of moving slow!!! He'd just hang out at my house nearly every evening, and he'd end up staying for dinner only because I had to make something for the kids and it'd be rude to eat in front of him without him getting fed, too. It was like he could never see that he might be imposing and realize that he wasn't invited and... I still can't believe I let it go on. For 6 months until I broke it off with him because I'd been smothered enough. I did not want "instant boyfriend" or "instant live-in boyfriend" and although I enjoyed his company, I wanted my space more.
Lessons learned. And now I have to say that "moving slow" also means not spending every free waking moment together, either. I don't want to be smothered by someone else's presence, even if I liked him alot.
But my question to you all is... suppose you met that special someone and you totally "click" and everything seemed perfect. He/she checked off all the must-haves and there were no deal-breakers. The timing of everything seemed right. Would you STILL be able to or willing to still go slow? It's just that I've seen so many who end up rushing once they meet someone who seems too perfect-for-them to let get away and then all of a sudden they rush. I battled that a little at the beginning with Hiker- the way he matched everything I wanted and wasn't any of the things I plainly wanted to avoid in a person. I had to fight myself in not rushing, in making sure I didn't end up smothering him. I'm glad I took things slow (and have now learned to just sit back and let it go slow) because things are still going well.
But if you met that just-right person... would you still want to go slow?
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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It may be because I'm fairly young, or maybe simply part of my genetic makeup, but I don't know that I consciously would go slow.
I am definitely not saying I'm in some sort of rush for anything, because I'm not. But I guess what I'm saying is no matter what the other person's like, or not like, no matter how many great things he has, no matter how many terrible qualities he doesn't have, I still am me.
I still want the same things out of life for myself, regardless of whether or not there's a man in my life. If there is one, great, but if not, that's cool, too. I can move along toward my personal goals at my own natural pace, with or without a man. Hopefully, Mr. Wonderful will be able to see that the natural pace of things is a good pace to go at. If not, he's obviously not so wonderful, right?
I have definitely rushed into relationships in the past, and while I have been burned, I haven't ever been hurt so terribly that it made me want to swear off men forever. BUT, I haven't ever until now dated casually, so I think I'm enjoying this freedom so much right now that I'm naturally at a point in my life where I don't want a relationship. Besides, I have too much other stuff going on to even think seriously about thinking seriously about men.
Who's to say though, that if the right guy and I collided head on tomorrow I wouldn't be ready to give up this freedom and begin another relationship? If that were to happen, I would still have all of the other stuff going on in my life. I wouldn't expect things to move along on a specific time-table, but just naturally move along at a pace that felt right to both of us.
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Shrimps, this is a GREAT question.
I have been in relationships like your Marlboro man where the guy was just like an army tank at full blast - fast fast. And I have been in them like Jennie with her x-bf where my needs weren't fulfilled and I was frustrated and felt needy. And in my younger days I had relationships that went too fast with the sex and then just fizzled because the person really wasn't right for me. I just really never knew any better. There was no such thing as dating books and the internet when we were dating. There was also no such thing as a must have or can't stand list - it seems that you just drifted in the dating world and if you ended up with someone good it was by luck.
But best of all, recently, I have watched my two babysitters land the best boyfriends. Their BFs are totally into them for them - not for the sex. It is very apparent that the BFs want them for their personalities and because they think they fit into their lives and they both want relationships. Both BFs are courting them and they are enjoying their days very much. They have made it clear that they want exclusivity and that they are girlfriends.
So, my point with that, and hopefully to answer your question, is that I do want to make sure he checks off the must have list. But I also want to make sure he is "that into me" for me and that he wants what I want. So now I know I can hold back my heart a bit to just wait and see his intentions and who he really is and to let it build strong. I also know I would want to go slow so as not to involve DS too soon. And I know I can do what it takes to wait on the sex. Totally.
Of course I know it is not easy - but I feel that now that I am educated and know what I want and I have made the mistakes it is easier for me think with my head instead of my heart. I also think the big break I have taken from dating has let me really adjust to life as a single mom and to carve out a good fulfilled life for myself. My only challenge now is that being older I have to deal with a receding dating pool - which means WAIT.
I hope this makes sense. I do really admire the way you and Hiker have handled everything. I think it is neat that you both have so much in common. You will have to keep us posted of course!!
(This reminds me of the story in the birthing room - the head nurse said it is REAL EASY to sit back in the armchair before you go into labor and say you want an unmedicated birth. But to put that decision to the test and actually follow through with it is very hard.)
This is a great post. I hear you on the playing house thing. I do not want to do that.
I think it's interesting about what you said about the guy wanting to go slow emotionally. I think a lot of people are emotionally guarded to the point that sex happens before there is any emotional intimacy.
"This reminds me of the story in the birthing room - the head nurse said it is REAL EASY to sit back in the armchair before you go into labor and say you want an unmedicated birth. But to put that decision to the test and actually follow through with it is very hard."
That is EXACTLY what I was trying to say. That we could talk "slow slow slow" all day and plan for it, but once we're actually IN the middle of a great relationship that just started, where everything is "perfect"... it's not so easy to still talk slow-slow-slow because you just want to go-go-go.
But I really do think it helps if both people in the relationship agree on the specifics of what "slow" means to them and they both respect the others' wishes even if one part of it doesn't match. Again- since there can be such a difference in what a man means with "slow" and what a woman means with "slow"... communication is the key. And being honest, too- not just saying what you think the other person might like to hear.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Another thought I had about what 'going slow' means to me...
Going slow means not jumping into a commitment before I can see how trustworthy the man is. It means not rushing into relying on him until he proves himself to be reliable. It means letting time pass, letting events happen and seeing how he is with the different situations. If you agree to meet someplace for a date, is he consistently early, on time, or late? Does he call and cancel things on you often? Or does he seem to be someone who will show up despite floods & storms?
If he promises to call you about something, does he call? Or is he someone who regularly "forgets" to call? If there is something big going on in your life (like a family member having surgery, or you have a job interview, etc)- does he remember that it is happening and asks you how it went? Or does he simply forget all about it? Does he seem to follow up with you on things that are important to you? I think these things are important to see in someone before making a commitment. But you can't see this stuff without living through it, and you can't live through it in just a few weeks (unless your life is just one huge drama after another!). I think it just takes time for the true person to show through (good or bad).
Another thing that is a biggie is- once you have allowed the kids to spend some time with the man, then see how they interact. And this whole thing takes time to see, too. Alot of men will say "loves kids" in a profile but they might just think of kids as playthings. They love kids as long as they are fun but once the meltdowns happen, they suddenly don't like kids anymore. Or they love kids as long as they can send those kids home! But to really get involved with a man, he would have to be okay with kids being around, whether they are behaving or not. He would have to understand that you can't just "send the kids home" because they live there with the mom! And I think this is something that takes time to show up too- which kind of "kid lover" he might be.
"Going slow" means dragging out any decisions about big commitments until these things have proven/shown themselves. I still think it's a great guideline- to date someone for at least a full year before making any big commitments because during that year, you can see how he handles various holidays (Christmas, birthdays, weekends away, etc) and you can see how compatible you might be. I really wish I'd have done that before marrying my ex... had I let that year happen, I'm sure I would not have married him. (but then I wouldn't have my kids, I know- but you know what I mean about regretting not letting that year go first.)
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
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