QOTW: what has online dating taught you?
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| Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:04am |
Question for all:
What has online dating taught you? The answer can be about dating or your life.
The reason I ask is because one of my helpers is moving and I have to find another. One came to talk to me - and all she did was talk about her divorce. For some reason I remembered my online dating days and realized this is not a good candidate because if this is what she does in the interview imagine what she will do when she comes to work every day. So, I worked a little harder to get more flyers out for more helper candidates!!
I chuckled to myself. Because although I did not meet the man of my dreams during my online dating days, I learned more than I ever thought possible about myself, dating and people. I do realize this has been a good medium for some here - they have met a great person and even a spouse. So it can be good for that.
But I thought that people here must have learned a lot of lessons from online dating, too!! Please share your experiences and tips, good and bad. And Shrimps - we are hoping for your success tips since you did find such a treasure in all that mess. I remember being very impressed with your profile since it spit out exactly what you are and what you are looking for.

Writing a profile, then refining it over time, forces one to actually think about what we want in a partner and who we are now. OLD made it easier to meet guys and get me out there into the dating world, made it easier to give guys a chance who might not be my type at first glance. If I hadn't had those experiences I would not have been at a place mentally to appreciate M when he came along IRL.
You are right that having those one date disaster meets does help one learn to be a better judge of people in general. I can see where it would help in interviewing prospective employees. I always hated that part of being an employer.
QB- who is still on cloud 9 after an evening,night, and morning w/ M.
OLD has tuaght me a couple of things. First of all, I remember my first in person meeting with someone I had been communicating with from and OLD site. I clearly remember my thoughts being "What if I don't like him?" As opposed to "What if HE doesn't like ME?" That was when I realized I was truly ready to date in any form, since it wasn't about finding just any guy, but rather finding the one for me. OLD didn't hurt anything, but I had to come to that conclusion before I was really ready for a relationship, no matter where it started.
Another thing OLD taught me is there can NOT be enough proofreading or spell checking. I find myself saying "NEXT!" when I receive an email that has too many errors or is hard to follow. I don't even follow up with men who contact me if their profiles aren't clear and concise.
I have also learned not to dwell. Whether I wasn't into the guy or he wasn't into me, OLD is fairly impersonal to begin with. This makes it easy to be picky and particular, with the comfort of annonymity. Since they didn't actually know me, a guy I might be interested in who wasn't interested in me had no power to hurt me. Now guys I do know in real life have less power over me. This is another thing that I had to come to on my own- no one has power over my life but me. That's it.
I think since there are so many types of men, OLD really allowed me to narrow down which ones I would be compatible with, and weed out which ones I wouldn't- and a lot of the things that I have learned about men who also use OLD I wouldn't neccessarily have learned about a man in real life in such a short time. This has made me happy to not have wasted so much time with someone who obviously wasn't right for me, since it allows me that time to be looking for the one who is. All in all, it has definitely made me a better judge of character.
Moody, who hasn't found the right one yet but is confident he's out there somewhere
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I love what Moody said!!! I found myself developing that train of thought, too. Instead of being nervous and anxious and wondering "what if he doesn't like me?" it got to where I was very happy with me- but started wondering "what if I don't like him?" and then had to turn him down for more dates?!! I don't like being "the mean one" and saying no... but I also learned that I can't keep saying 'yes' just to be accommodating. That doesn't get you anywhere!
So OLD helped me to develop some tactful ways to let people go. Sometimes it's simply just letting them fade away.
I learned to not take every potential 'bite' seriously. I learned to not put too much into one person. It's just a DATE, not my whole future! Just because I agree to a date, doesn't mean it HAD to lead to marriage or even a relationship!
I learned to go with my gut. If a man seemed to come across too sexual in his emails or IMs, I didn't waste my time wondering if he was just flirting or not... I'd just chalk him up as wanting nothing but easy sex and say "Next!!!" Because really... if a man really cared and respected you, and wanted to get to know you, he FOR SURE would not make crude or sexual comments to you in IM!!!
I've dated Hiker for over a year and I still have a hard time getting him to say sexual things even in fun. He *is* getting better with it, but many times, he is still quite vague or weasels out of it somehow. LOL ;)
And yes- definitely learn to define yourself clearly in your profile, like Queenbun said. Make yourself sound different than everything else out there so you'll stand out. (Just wish some men would do that, too! I got tired of reading the same old "I like camping, sports, anything outdoors" descriptions over and over and over!) But make sure it's REALLY you in the profile and not misleading. No old photos, no bypassing the fact that you have kids living WITH YOU. I don't know why some people do, but some won't share the fact that they have children because they think it'll scare away prospects. I'd be parading my kids around just to make SURE I scared away the non-prospects who would be scared away by kids! ;) I went by the rule: WYSIWYG. What you see is what you get. I Yam what I Yam. And if you don't like it, then keep on looking.
I learned that confidence in yourself and who you are goes a LONG way. Not just OLD of course- but in everything. But in OLD, it helps because you won't fall for any creep's charms. You believe you deserve better, you won't settle for anything less than what you know you deserve.
I learned you can't hurt ANYTHING by going slow. You won't lose a good man by going 'too slow'. You WILL lose a creep by going slow. Good riddance. So go slow.
I learned to loosen up on my must-have physical limitations. To not limit myself to only a certain hair color, or body type or height. I know- I still won't go out with anyone overweight, but that's not because they are overweight. It's because I am active and I want someone who can do active things with me. But many preferred physical attributes CAN be overlooked & it's okay because they might still contain a super man inside that 'imperfect' package.
I did find my Treasure Hiker in that mess of OLD. He wasn't the first one... I'd talked to many who never led to anything, went out with some, dated a couple of them for 6 months to a year... but I did eventually find Hiker and so far he fits me better than even the best parts of the rest put together. Unfortunately, I think timing and luck has alot to do with it. One year you might be looking, but the man who is right for you might not be on there. And then maybe he might be on there later, but you'd gotten fed up and taken your profile down. So you might end up missing each other. So you never know... sometimes it's a matter of taking a few months off of OLD and then trying again. You might just find a new face there that ends up being your Treasure too. I'd been on and off OLD for about 4 yrs before I met Hiker. Fed up with OLD several times in those 4 years, too! (And yes, I'd seen Hiker's profile on there for about 2 of those last 4 yrs, but never 'met' him all that time, even though I'd sent him a 'wink' one time- didn't get any response back)
So yeah, have luck and timing on your side. ;-) If I could bottle that, I'd be rich!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
And another thing I learned...
There ARE men out there who will NOT think of a 30- or 40-something single mom with 2 kids as a "washout" or "desperate". I'd met several who did not think that my having 2 kids was a detriment. So to all the single moms... don't EVER go into a date (or looking for a date) with even an inkling that you can't be attractive just because you're a mom with kids. If you have any reservations on that... then it's not time for you to date yet.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Lets see:
1. People arent always who they say they are, but most are fairly honest
2. you can
Shrimpy, I agree with you wholeheartedly on this one! Being a mother has helped me be the "real" me. What I mean by this is that it has taught me so many things about myself- trust in myself, faith that things will work out somehow, patience with others (kids just won't move as fast as you want them to), how to be resilient.... so many things.
I wouldn't be as mature and responsible at my age if I didn't have kids. While there are times I wish I had waited (I was 17 when my son was born), I wouldn't give up "me" for anything- and a big part of who I am can be ties in some way to being a mother.
The right man for me will appreciate all that I do and all that I am- because I'm a mother, not in spite of it.
Moody, whose children make her crazy but keep her sane
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