QOTW: why do you want a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
QOTW: why do you want a relationship?
22
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 9:27am

I don't know if we have ever discussed this - and I am curious as to what everyone says.

What is the purpose of a boyfriend, significant other, husband in your life (or Mark and the other guys - a girlfriend or wife) in your life? Why do you want a relationship. What should the other person do for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 2:49pm

Chemistry and passion...it's what I craved after my divorce, because I did not have that with my ex. I have chemistry and passion with Blue Eyes. I need trust and security in a boyfriend, knowing he is true and devoted as well. I am slowly learning to trust that he also is these things.
I always found it very hard to find someone who has both: Passionate chemisty and trust/devotion. In my experience it has always been one or the other.
So, I need both!
As for what he has to do for me, I guess to sum that up he has to be a good, open communicator, be trustworthy/faithful, and physically compatible ;o)..he's gotta like to give and recieve affection!

~Pacific~
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 3:07pm

Priscilla, I loved how you articulated so well on what a companion means in real, concrete terms. That as good an image as any to have for someone in my life.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 3:29pm

For me, the purpose of a relationship is to provide enjoyment, comfort, companionship.

I do not believe that I am happier in a relationship than not in one- I can be (and have been) perfectly happy single. I also know better than to stick around in a relationship where I am unhappy.

I believe I want a relationship because I enjoy the companionship, and like most people, I crave the intimacy that being in a solid, stable relationship provides. I am not afraid of admitting I need human contact, and it just so happens that my relationship works for me to provide that.

Not to say I want to be with someone so badly I'm willing to overlook red flags.

I guess I expect support, commiseration when applicable, friendship, kindness, humor, love, respect, trust, faithfulness... well the list goes on and on...

Moody, who gives what she receives


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 6:01pm

security. knowing i'll have a date to that blockbuster movie i'm looking forward to... having a person i know i'll have fun with... and kissing... ;-)

right or wrong... i spend less time thinking about what the other person should do for me, and more about the kind of person i want to be in a relationship... i want to be a blessing to someone... and even now, on dates, i try to be a blessing and not a needy/nagging person.... i still have boundaries of what i expect from someone.. one of them being honesty.. but i've thrown out my laundry list of what you should do for me....

loonybunny ~ who is still not in a relationship but enjoy a little fwb...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 6:24pm

God, I know I am going to sound like the "typical guy" but I miss the physical intimacy in a relationship. Sex yes, but other stuff too. Just being able to interact with someone who isn't a family member or a regular friend. Just being able to break up the monotony of my daily routine by listening to and being there for someone else.

I think we all behave a lot differently when we are in a relationship, so the world gets to see another side of our personality, whereas when we're single it almost limits our behaviour patterns because we're living for just ourselves and no one else. For me I guess the real answer is that I want a relationship for the intimacy: intellectual, physical, spiritual, emotional you name it. But where does someone even begin to look for that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 6:57pm

I would want the type of relationship where we are both self sufficient grown ups.

Like me, he has been there done that. He's been married, he's raised kids, He's
kind, compassionate, loves God, is totally reliable, trustworthy, honest, and
can be my best friend.

He rocks my world in the bedroom, puts the seat up when he's done, does dishes, is a
neat freak like myself. He's funny, he's non-judgemental.

He's a loner like me who requires much time and alone space. His world doesn't revolve
around me, he does his own thing.

He doesn't want any more kids, he doesn't want to get married or live together, he's just happy being my exclusive guy.

I get him and he gets me, we enhance each others lives without taking it over.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 7:50pm

Had a thought, after reading some of these (and re-reading mine as well)- that some of us were describing WHAT we wanted in a relationship more than telling WHY we want a relationship.

So to clarify things...

I want a relationship for the companionship, sure. But I can have companionship with a good girlfriend. Or with my family members. So that's not really it.

I think I want a relationship for a few specific things. One is the sex. I can't have sex with anyone else EXCEPT my boyfriend. I won't do a FWB (I get too emotionally attached to go there), I won't have sex with a girlfriend (not me!), I surely won't have sex with a family member! And for the the ol' BOB... it just isn't the same as having sex with a man. Not even close.

I also want a relationship because I like that feeling of "belonging". I like feeling like I'm a part of a team. Although I don't want to be 'possessed' as in being an object belonging to someone... I do like the belonging that comes from being in a couple.

And the feeling of mutual acceptance. I wouldn't be in a relationship where my feelings are not reciprocated- because that wouldn't be a complete relationship to me. It'd only be a one-way street! So I'm wanting a relationship for the mutually shared feelings.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 8:50am

I guess we think alike for what we want. I don't want someone to marry or join households or come in and take over my life or question my parenting decisions. I was alone for a number of years and got very strong in this time both financially and emotionally and now I sort of like how I rule my roost.

I don't need someone to support me or tell me how to use my money - I do just fine on my own. Don't need someone to finance my retirement. Don't need a dad for my kids. Don't need someone to fix stuff around the house - have a good handyman. Don't need someone to tell me what to do - I know what to do. Maybe I am just imagining how life was with my exh? But I know I don't want to do that again. And I also know that one divorce does not innoculate you from another. So I have a much more slow and realistic approach to marriage - not running down the aisle any time soon.

But what I want - and I have been trying to figure this out all day since I asked that question - is someone who is into me who appreciates and admires me for me - and I him - I want to learn from each other and share ideas and perspectives on life. Surprise and encourage and challenge each other.

I want someone who shares my enthusiasm for a healthy and fit lifestyle - because I don't ever want to give that up. Someone who adds variety to my routine and mine to his so we can share this and bring more fun to each other's table.

I want someone who is open and capable of intimacy - physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual. Great sex is so important to me - but I also want what keeps it alive and I believe that is a relationship that grows.

I do like the feeling of physical security that a special male friend brings. For example, my coach just invited me to the northern part of our state because he is going to be there for a big race. And a lot of the athletes he trains, whom I have met, are going to be there. It is a big race - like the one I will be doing next spring - and I have never watched one. So I want to go. But it is a LONG drive - too long for me to do alone. And so LG will go. I feel safer with him and it is great to share the driving. It was also great that he thinks it will be great to meet my coach and the other athletes and to watch the race. I didn't have to do anything at all to get an enthusiastic reaction.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 9:23am

"But where does someone even begin to look for that?"

Have you read the thread that states: where do you meet men!? LOL

We are the one's trying to hunt you guys down! LOL.

Again, it depends where you live, but most of us do the Online Dating (OLD) thing. I recently decided to just forget about it, but their are some great wonderful women who are online and have a lot to offer and are in your boat.

And yes, I understand the whole physical aspect of the relationship and communicating with someone who isn't friend or family.

I wrote I want companionship, but to me it's pretty much what everyone defines as having that person to talk to and relate to and that connection and chemistry going. I guess when I write companionship it seems boring and plain, but to me it's allll about the "it" factor.

I definitely know I want my life simple and my relationship simple. The reality is, I take care of myself, I took care of myself even when I was married, sooo I don't want someone that needs to provide for me. I want someone that is into me. That loves learning about me and I about him. Someone that I can fall asleep at night listening and then can't wait to wake up in the morning to listen to what he has to say. Who makes me laugh and smile and allows me to cry on his shoulders.

But, like you, I am sorta guy triggered, because I am a scorpion, so sex is a must. But not just sex, but the fireworks kind. The chemistry has to be totally off the chart, because I love physical intimacy and I'm a hands on person. LOL. Kissing, holding hands, hugging is very important to me.

So no, you aren't steered wrong, I think Mark our other guy friend here would agree that we pretty much all long the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 6:22pm

I totally hear ya. I have gone so long without even kissing or holding hands with a woman that the thought seems alien to me. Not in a "Oooh, I'm scared" way but just a "Man, I forgot what that's like" way.

And the longer I stay single, the less likely it seems that I'll ever meet anyone. Sometimes I feel like, sure, I CAN do without sex, cuddling, talking and whatnot but I don't WANT to. And yet part of me doesn't want to have to go through the date/meet/greet process EVERY friggin' time until I find someone that fits the bill. It's like, can't I just skip to the good stuff? lol

I often wonder if maybe my standards are too high, because I want the full package too: fireworks, passion, chemistry; something permanent not just a fling because then I would probably end up hating myself. And that sucks too. There have been so many times I could have taken advantage of a younger co-worker but chose not too because I am the boss and not a slimeball. Why can't I be a slimeball?