QOTW: Your relationship with your mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
QOTW: Your relationship with your mother
10
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 6:22pm

Question for all:

How is your relationship with your own mom? Are there things you do to make it better? Are there things you do differently with your own kids?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 10:12pm

Wow, this question really got me thinking. I love and admire my mom, and I aspire to be like her still each day. She is very stong, supportive, rational and logical, she doesn't react to anything emotionally very often. It sounds bad, but it's very comforting to know that when there is something important to tell her (ie "I'm pregnant and we're going to get married" or "I can't take it anymore, I'm filing for divorce"). Her responses are usually along the lines of "what is your plan", or "what can we do to help". My funniest memory of us growing up was my mother telling my sister she should never smoke. My sister said "Yeah, I know, it's not healthy, it could kill me" with the classic teenager eye-roll. My mom said "Not that, it's EXPENSIVE!" When I had my first child, her first piece of advice was to make sure to keep her face clean. "There's nothing worse than a baby with a dirty face". As you can probably guess, the sad part is not a lot of "I love you"s floating around. There was no question about it, just not spoken much. So when I had my kids, I vowed I would hug them, kiss them, and tell them I love them every day. So far, I have. When my kids started to get a little older, they'd say "I love you" to grandma and she would say "Oh...thank you". Then later the kids would say "Gosh, that was weird". They are finally starting to get her used to it these days, though.

Sheesh
BTW, my dad is the emotional one, tearing up each time he holds a new grandbaby, or the first time they say "Pa Pa".

Avatar for dianal253
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:48am
As a child we had the typical mother daughter relationship. But as an adult our relationship is soo much more. She is still my mom and at 35 I still go to her occassionally when I need comforting. I have to say she is pretty much my best friend. I talk to her every morning when I am having my coffee. I consult her in major life decisions and not so major. We share the same political views, we talk about everything, somethings I leave out,after all she is my mother. LOL She is my roll model and I look up to her and I always want to make my mom (my dad too) proud.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:32pm
I'm a mama's girl. I live down the street from my parents. My mom watches DS and has since he was born. I talk to her everyday, several times a day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:41pm

I've come to accept my mother for who she is and I try my best to forgive her daily. She doesn't know how to do things differently. It is hard to answer this question honestly while at the same time honoring her. Her strength is that she can cook. I'm learning how to have healthy boundaries with my mother. The best thing I can do for our relationship is not expect more from her than she is capable of giving and forgiving her when she falls short of my expectation or needs.

The kind of mother I want to be for my children is patient and wise. I want to be someone that my children look to for guidance and advice. I hope they also learn to forgive me for my weaknesses (one of them being I hate to cook and I'm very busy as a single mom). I also hope that I set a good example of how to relate to people and how to serve the Lord.

My mother was also a single mom with 4 children. After my parents' divorce, we moved into my Grandmother's house. At that point my Grandmother became the most influential person in my life. My Grandmother was very wise and hard working. She died this past May and I wrote and presented the eulogy at her funeral. I was very honored.

Growing up however, I didn't hear the words "I love you" from either my grandmother or my mother. That's what I want to do differently. I want lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you"s.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:09pm
That's a tough question to answer. We right now have a pretty good relationship on the surface, but it's complicated. I have nice memories of her until I turned 5, after that my life became a nightmare because of her alcholism. She was extremely verbally and mentally abusive with me. I was singled out because I am the spitting image of my father, and she loathes him because they went through a bitter, nasty divorce. I left home with my high school sweetheart at 16 and had my first child at 17. I didn't speak to her for 5 years after that. My life was shaped in the worst possible ways because of all this.
Flash forward 40 years later and through a lot of heartache and therapy I have thrived.
I vowed to be a different type of parent to my kids and I am! I tell them I love them everyday of their lives, I encourage and support them. I broke the cycle of abuse in my family and it's the most important thing I've ever done.
My mom has been sober for some time now, but she is still verbally abusive. I put up very strict boundaries with her and it works very well. She is a very good grandmother to my kids. Although she never verbalizes it, I know she is racked with guilt for the way she treated me. I feel kind of bad because she tries really hard to reach out to me, but emotionally I just don't feel her. I don't love her the way a daughter loves a mother, but I care for her and treat her very well. I am the only one of her children that speaks to her and financially helps her out (she rarely ever worked-so her ss payments are next to nothing).
Believe it or not I am grateful to her because watching her mistakes, I leaned how not to repeat her mistakes, to be a responsible adult, and a good parent; not to depend on a man for your financial future.
The pain will forever be with me, but I've done the best I can with what I had-Miracles do happen.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:04pm
Wow - you are a shining example of making lemonaid out of a lemon situation. I applaud you for your own forgiveness and strength.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:24pm
Thanks for your kind words.
I wouldn't call it forgiveness as much as my healing and compassion for others.
Despite all she's done she's still my mother. I feel sorry for my siblings though, because by them shuting her out they are not healing or growing, and God forbid once she's gone they will never have the chance for any type of closure. You make choices in life, either you can live in bitterness and anger or you can let go and heal. I strive everyday for the healing(I work hard at it).
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:13pm

I lost my Mom

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 9:17pm

My mother and I get along better now than we ever did when I was a child/teenager. However, we don't have a relationship where we go shopping for the fun of it and are friends. We don't talk about much except my kids (she's the world's most awesome Grandma, actually) and our respective places of employment.

My mother doesn't have many girlfriends, so I'm typically her sounding board. I also have a completely different personality, which makes it difficult for us to ever see things the same way. It does come in handy when she's being treated like a doormat, though, since I seem to help her stand up for herself. The one thing my mother really prides herself on is being a good wife, and she is. She and my father are very happy together.

I have learned though that I can't please her all of the time, so instead of feeling guilty, I now please myself first. She deals with whatever the disappointment is, and I have so much more sanity by not running myself ragged to make her happy, something that's impossible anyhow.

Moody- who is so much more like her father


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 9:30pm
Hey Moody! Where have you been hiding? I was thinking about your shoulder surgery guy. Is he back yet? Have you heard from him at all? I hope so...
Sheesh