QOTW#2 - Hindsight
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QOTW#2 - Hindsight
| Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:22pm |
I have another question (I learn so so much from you guys)....
With regards to your past major (live together or married) relationship(s) that did NOT work, did you see any "writing on the wall" so to speak - in other words - something in the beginning that didn't seem right that eventually led to the ruin of things?

For me it's more that I was an emotionally undeveloped person. I think my bf is the right person for me, but if I had met him when I was 23 (the age I was when I married), we would not have had any interest in each other. I was a completely different person then. My ex-h was the wrong person for me, no question. But at the time I needed to be with someone who needed me, it didn't matter if they loved me as long as they were not going to abandon me like my father did, and cause me that kind of pain. Also, I was not going to open myself up to truly loving another person, because that was a risk I just could not take at the time. As a result, I married a nice, non-threatening man who let me be in charge of major decisions.
Later on, when I was dealing with the diagnosis of a chronic illness, looking pretty good from losing weight (also due to the chronic illness), I realized that my husband had no real interest in me as a person, didn't love me and living with him was like living with a teenage son that refused to grow up. During our marriage I had gone to college and built a career and had basically grown up. My ex-h had gone to college, gone to graduate school, started a career he resented and developed a video game addiction, and basically did not want to grow up. The idea that I would not always be healthy and always be the breadwinner freaked him out, so he wasn't such a good person for me to be around. This is sort of a summary of our issues, I could write a book on them, but the bottom line is nothing in our marriage was right. The only thing we had in common by the end was parenting our dd, and that we still do well together.
In hindsight, I wouldn't change a thing because it wouldn't work. I could not go back and time and become the person I am today any sooner than I did.
I didn't see it til my daughter was born.
Kim
The writing was on the wall clear as day for me. I buried my head in the sand and told myself the biggest lie in the world - "Love is enough."
Lie number one - that his manipulative, controlling mom who couldn't seem to accept me WOULD accept me, and even if she didn't, that she wouldn't hurt our relationship.
Lie number two - "he's not insecure or clingy - he just REALLY LOVES ME and wants to be with me."
Lie number three - our sexual problems would resolve themselves magically when we said "I do".
Lie number four - that he would "mature" - he did mature - into an overgrown little boy.
Lie number five - that he would grow up and mature about money (STILL hasn't! Had no dishes and silverware for 5 months after his second divorce but had the time and money to buy a motorbike and drive 5 hours to Utah to pick it up)
Lie number six - that he wouldn't always be such a work-a-holic.
I could go on and on and on.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I moved very fast w/my stbx. We moved in together, got preganant and got married within 5 mts. of meeting each other(at work). I found out after the wedding that his whole family had had several discussions about whether or not to tell me the truth about him since they knew he had lied to me about pretty much everything. He always had a story, though. It wasn't his fault he lived w/his mom--she asked him to move in after his dad died to help pay bills(he had moved in b/c he couldn't pay his own and his newly widowed mother was footing the bill for his $60,000-yes, american dollars-worth of credit card debt) Then, there was the whole bit about him not allowing me to look in his wallet-ever-or there would be a huge fight. I couldn't touch any of his "stuff" for that matter b/c it was so precious to him and I wasn't good enough to touch it.(Can you just see me rolling my eyes here!LOL) Oh, and how the world somehow owed him a living-he told me for years that I should go and work and he would take care of the kids--yeah, right) The biggest sign that I ignored, though it was plain as day, was the fact that he didn't touch me for nearly our entire 1st year of marriage. Once I started to show with the pregancy that was it-he wanted nothing to do with me except when he was drunk. That went on for months to a year at a time on and off through our whole marriage. He didn't even look at me the last 3 mts I was there-but I was a warm body for when he had "needs".
How sad that I lived with that for so long. I hated feeling inferior to him and forever trying to dumb myself down just so he could understand me. Now I feel dumb myself when I talk to intelligent people. But I am truly blessed b/c I have 5 beautiful children who are bright(luckily his idiocy wasn't hereditary), and so caring. I wouldn't give one of them up-even to have been able to avoid this. I am happier than I can ever remember being and finally finding out who I am and being ok with it. Not that I'm there yet-I know this road has only begun and the twists and turns will surely surprise and challenge me...but I LIKE a challenge. ;)
All the Best,
Jean
I was really young and naive and had never really had a boyfriend, more like FWB for most of my teens. So when this guy came along and wanted to be with me, and told me all the right things I fell for it. I moved in with him after two weeks of meeting him.
What were the signs of a disaster waiting to happen? Well, first off would be the drinking- he couldn't go without having beer in the fridge, and would spend his last dime on a six pack rather than food. I didn't think much of it, since I was 19 and most of my friends and I drank on weekends, as it was THE THING to do when you got to be of age (I'm in Canada).
The second flag was that he didn't have a job. He was on a disability claim from an accident 2 years before- a really bad one, but he kept milking the claim for all he could get. And when he was allowed to return to work, that only lasted for 3 months. So in the total of 5 years that we were together, he worked 6 months TOTAL.
But it was the drugs that ruined everything. He did them a few times that I knew of in the first 2 years, but I didn't know the EXTENT of his problem until our son was born. Then everything was too stressful and an excuse to take off for days and get high. I had enough, but I tried to stay and be there for him and our family, but I realized that he wasn't trying to change and get help, he was telling me what I wanted to hear for me to stay.
In the end I was covering all the bills on a minimum wage job, he was supposed to pay the rent and I would cover everything else. I kicked him out after coming home to find some of my stuff pawned, my car gone and him gone with my son- out partying with a BABY!!!!
He turned REALLY UGLY after I ended it for the last time, I had ended it many times before but always went back. But then he understood that I wasn't going to be persuaded back, and he got mean. Started leaving threatening messages on my machine, driving by my place, calling my work, showing up at my work and yelling at me- the list goes on. I finally moved back to my hometown and refused to talk to him except by email. It took almost 2 years to get him to realize what a jerk he was being.
Now we are ok, and I call him a lot to update him about his son's activities. I don't put up with his bull anymore and I will hang up on him if he starts going there, to which he'll call back right away and apologize.
And no, he's still not working, he's still drinking and he's still a pain!
But the man I'm with now is the complete opposite- didn't live with his parents, has a full time job, good with money, doesn't even drink socially (doesn't like it) and definetly doesn't do drugs. He knows what is important and what needs to be saved up for.
Alison
I still have not figured out where the major red flags were before my exh and I were married. The issues came afterwards and especially after our son was born.
I suppose I saw a few but didn't think they were that big of a deal and am not sure if I would catch that if presented again now.
- our idea of vacationing was different - I love being active and he likes to sit by the pool and read a book. Although we did work that out - we did a bit of both in our pre-baby days and that was okay.
BUT after our son was born exh only wanted to see his mother for our vacation - which would be okay EXCEPT that was very expensive (and took precedent over new clothes for me and furniture for our new house), not fun for me and she wasn't nice to me - this was actually the major cause of our relationship failure.
What puzzles me is that she seemed okay before we were married. And he had a good relationship with her. They say that is good but now I am not so sure.
- he can't set boundaries with his boss or anything to do with work. This appeared as a guy who was into his career and responsible. And many guys are like that. There was one night he left me with a cooked lobster dinner in a beautiful sexie neglige to go to work because of a crisis in the restaurant. BUT this became much more apparent after our son was born - he would work all night and he likes to travel and won't ever put our son first with work and travel plans. My son sees this now and it is sometimes hard on me to watch him do the same things with him.
- when I wanted to stay at home with our son and see if I could get my business going he was okay with that until he figured out our budget would be so tight he couldn't visit his mother for a while and then he didn't like that. He treated me very badly - like I didn't have a worth because I didn't make any money at the time. And he insisted on getting his MBA since he would have to be the breadwinner - this was expensive and took him away even more hours. He was bitter about the baby and never helped - and when he did he acted like he did a better job. When I think about those days it makes me sad - and I don't really know how to know that this was coming - there was no red flag for that.
After we were married he became really selfish and remains that way today, even after the divorce. I am very good at setting boundaries with him now.
I think maybe my biggest lesson is that I have to think of myself - and to set boundaries - and to say, "How does that work for me" - so that the other person learns to respect me.
I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond here and look forward to more stories.