Question about cohabitation!
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| Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:42pm |
Hi! I'm a divorced mother of 3. I have been seeing the same person for several months. It seems to fit perfectly, and we are talking engagement. Right now, I'm just confused. I always said that I would never remarry, only date seriously at the most. But now the two of us just cannot stay away from each other. We are constantly together. We've talked about him moving in with me. That would work too. He desperately wants to marry me. But I'm nervous about that. On the other hand, I'm nervous about him only moving in too!(why buy the cow, etc etc) Although I feel like a trial run (living together) would be best.
Then there is the kid issue. What would be the best for them? They know he stays here most of the time. But if he officially moves in, what do I say to them? How do I go about talking to them about it. They all get along great. But I' just dont know how to tell them.
I love this man. The only adjustment that I will be gaging when he moves in is the family factor. He has never been married and has no kids. He has only lived with his previous gf. So how will he adjust to normal family life with 3kids!? So far he has done great, with all of the time he has spent with me. But this is really the true test as to wheather it would work long term.
What do you think? Any advice from BTDT moms?? HELP!!!

Well, I’ve certainly BTDT! And I’m currently doing it! When I got divorced I decided I would never get married again. But then I met my SO and I fell in love. I still have issues with getting married. I do NOT have issues with commitment, however, and in my mind and heart those are two separate things and a whole other discussion.
My SO and I moved in together 15 months ago. He has three boys and I have a daughter.
We didn’t move in together as a “trial run” though. We’re in it for the long haul. And that is how we discussed it with our kids. We moved into a new house together as a family unit, and a fresh start. We let them have some decision making on the house we purchased and gave them buy in on many decisions, including “house rules.”
I’ll tell the first 6-8 months were very HARD but absolutely worth it.
We are now making plans to get “married” next summer. Yes, even though I still have issues with marriage, it’s important to him, so I’m getting over it.
I don’t recommend looking at this as a trial run. Doing so, will almost certainly set you up to fail. Knowing there’s an easy out makes it too easy to run when the going gets tough. And it will… so my advice to you, is to wait until you are sure you want to commit to this man, rather than do a trial run.
Hi Chocoholic... I could have written your post with the exception that we are both divorced and I have two children and he has one, so my SO does have the "family" experience you are talking about. I look forward to hearing the other responses, but wanted to let you know that there is a "Living Together" board here on Ivillage that you might be interested in checking out... there are many BTDT's there.
I'm happy that you found someone you enjoy spending time with that you are comfortable letting into your children's lives... I also never thought it would happen for me either.
*Kerry*
I like what Orange Clouds wrote. Generally I would not advocate living together before marriage - because what incentive is there for a guy to buy the cow if he is getting the milk for free? But she is right - if you are going to live together it should be for the long haul - not for a trial.
If you are asking these questions it just means you need more time before you make your decision. You will not regret taking more time before you decide to marry or live together. But you will definitely regret it if you do it too soon - meaning you are not sure.
I think you should make a list of what you like about him versus what you don't like - a pros and cons list of sorts. Are the cons deal breakers? Or just annoyances? Lists like these really help you to think with a clear head.
You should also write down what you need to find out to see if he is a good prospect - what is important to you? Is he financially stable? Good with kids? Has the same values? Respects you? Wants the same things out of life? If you can't answer these then seek the answers through experiences, discussion and time. Let him interact more with the kids.
Good luck and stay here - we would love to hear more about you and him as the time goes on and have you participate here with us. We are all on the same journey!!
Well, you should discuss it together (with your kids) before any decision is made. Your kids might have questions about where they will live and how things will work. Since you're not moving, you can assure them that things will remain the same, but instead of just visiting, he will be living there.
Also, you'll want to discuss rules, privacy, and discipline. You didn't say how old your kids are, but the older they are, the less they will respect someone else's authority. My ds is 5, and I have taught him to respect my bf and listen to him, but at the same time I am the main authority.
If you're not ready for it though, then tell him that. Or if you'd rather have an engagement first and a wedding date set at least, then tell him that too.
Alison
Great post!
It is definitely a bad idea to "move in" with someone as a trial run. ESPECIALLY if there are children involved.
To the Original poster, how old are your kids? How much time is he spending now with them? Does he enjoy them, do they enjoy him?
Tara
Hi! My kids are 3,4 & 9. He spends quite a bit of time with them right now. He's at my house every night. They really do love him. And he is excellent with them.
I guess I didnt really mean trial run as it would be if I were single. But then again, I am constantly torn between marriage and no marriage... so I almost always default to referring to it that way.
Thanks for all of your responses.
You have gotten some good responses. I think you should wait until you really think you would want to marry him before you live together.
I know you said you never wanted to remarry - but as they say, never say never.
Enjoy what you have for now!! And keep us posted!! Good luck!!