Question about older men

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Question about older men
8
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:01am
Has anyone out there ever dated, or is dating, or is engaged or married to an older man? If so, how much older is he than you? Has your age difference ever been a problem? How does he react/act towards your children? How did family and friends react to you being with an older man? How much age difference is too much? When you first met, did you feel uneasy about the age difference, and if so, how did you overcome it? Is it worth pursuing a potential relationship with an older (10+) years older or should I run in the opposite direction? I know those are a lot of questions. An older man is showing interest in me and asked me out to dinner last weekend. I was ok with the idea until we talked on the phone last night and I found out his age. He's 53 and I'm 39; 14 years age difference. I have always dated older men; but up until now, the largest age difference was 7 years. I know this is probably just my hangup because I am real sensitive about age. That's why I want to know what everyone else thinks. Am I just being silly? Should I reserve judgment and go out to dinner? So far, we have met in person twice and talked on the phone once, and we seem to get along pretty well. I have a lot of trauma going on with my ex right now (I'll post about that later when I have time), and I am just real confused. Any comments would be appreciated.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:24am

I like older men.


There is nothing wrong with going out with him, it's just finding out if you have any common interests..if not, you both move on!


I have never dated a man in his 50's, so I don't know how that would be.

Kim

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:35am

Why would you think you're being silly? I think you have some valid thoughts and feelings. It's good to acknowledge them.


Now, I think the ONLY question you should be asking is "How do I feel about this?" and go from there.


One of our regulars (sunshinemin - Mindy) is married to a man who is I THINK about 12 years older than her. She's CRAZY about him. They have a great relationship. As far as I've been able to tell, their age has never been an issue. It wasn't to her, and it wasn't to him, so it wasn't a problem.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:55am
I think that age is just a number - I have seen some 53 year old men who are in much better shape physically than a 35 year old guy. I would look at that first.

It depends on how you feel with him and what goals you have in life, as I suppose it would with any guy. Do you have fun together? The same energy levels? Generally the same interests?

I dated an older man when I was in my 20s. The relationship didn't work but it wasn't because of his age.

Also, I think you should try to resolve the trauma with your ex before getting serious about someone else - keep this one casual for now.

GOOD LUCK!! And keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:05pm
I think you should give it a try, only IF you are attracted to him. If you are not attracted to him, don't bother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:26pm
Has anyone out there ever dated, or is dating, or is engaged or married to an older man?

Yes.

If so, how much older is he than you?

My husband is 11 years my senior.

Has your age difference ever been a problem?

No.

How does he react/act towards your children?

Wonderfully. To ours, as well. :)

How did family and friends react to you being with an older man?

My family and friends thought he was younger than me (because dang it he's aging well!) and when they found out he was "significantly" older than me, they all said it made sense that I was with an older man. You can read into that whatever you want - I'm still not sure what to make of it! LOL

His family loved me from the get go. His true friends loved me from the get go. He did have some - ahem - "friends" - that said I was a young, single mom looking for a sugar daddy.

How much age difference is too much?

I don't know.

When you first met, did you feel uneasy about the age difference, and if so, how did you overcome it?

When we first met, I had NO IDEA he was 11 years my senior. At all. We were talking about our kids, and he said something about "my son is a senior in high school" and my jaw just about hit the table. I remember asking him "how old ARE you?" and he replied 37 and I about spit my drink across the table. I had nothing to overcome.

Is it worth pursuing a potential relationship with an older (10+) years older or should I run in the opposite direction?

Are you attracted to him? Are you interested in him? If you can answer yes to those two questions, it's worth pursuing. Everytime you see him, think about him, is the only thing you think of "he's 14 years older than me!!!!!!"???? If the answer is yes, run in the opposition direction.

Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 3:16pm
Kim:

Thanks for responding. I agree with your statement "it's just finding out if you have any common interests..if not, you both move on!" I guess I can go out to dinner and see if we can keep a conversation going or if we are staring at each other with nothing to say. I don't know if this is good or bad, but I kind of have an idea of what qualities I would like in a man, unfortunately, I just haven't found anyone like that yet. And I'm not sure he will either, but I guess that's why I need to get to know him better.

As for your other questions: "Are you attracted to him? Do you enjoy his company?" So far, he seems very easy going and I have enjoyed talking to him. When I first met him, I did think he was nice looking. I'm just kind or reserved about stuff like that. I thought by EXBF was gorgeous, but where did that get me.

"Does he seem to like you for you? Or his he just looking for a "firm young thing" he can show off for a while?" I don't know him well enough to get a definite answer to these questions. I guess only time will tell. I think I'll try one date and see how it goes from there.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 3:28pm
West:

Thanks for responding. He really doesn't look 53. I guessed him to be about 47. He is in good physical shape, from what I can tell. He has no potbelly, like a lot of guys that age have. LOL He has a little bit of grey in his mustache, but a lot of guys in their 40's have grey hair.

"It depends on how you feel with him and what goals you have in life, as I suppose it would with any guy. Do you have fun together? The same energy levels? Generally the same interests?" I agree with all of those things. I guess my main concern is whether we have the same interests, which I guess I won't find out about unless I get to know him better. Like I said, I have an idea in my head about what kind of man I would like to be with. I guess I just have to find out more about him.

"I think you should try to resolve the trauma with your ex before getting serious about someone else - keep this one casual for now." I totally agree with this statement. I don't intend on getting serious with anyone right now. I'm not ready for it. Funny thing is, I think he is as apprehensive about me and my age as I am about him and his age. On the phone last night, after he told me how old he was, he asked me if I would be interested in someone his age. I told him that I didn't know because I never dated anyone his age before. And he told me he never dated anyone as young as me before either. I told him that I just wanted to be friends right now, and he agreed with that. I guess were both trying to figure out if we have anything in common. Guess only time will tell.

Donna



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:21pm
This all sounds good to me!! You should compliment him on how good he looks - he sounds better than most men in their 40s.