Question about relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Question about relationship
15
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 12:17pm

Hello all and thanks for reading this!

I am a single mother of 1 boy who is 6. I have met a man who is a divorced father of 2 boys-1 is 6, and the other is 4. He actually lives about an hour away from my home and we haven't gotten to see each other as much as we would like to due to our conflicts in work schedules( i work m-f 9-5 & he works f-tues 7pm-7am) It has made for an interesting few months of creative thinking and planning, but we have managed to see each other a few times, chat daily, and call each other at least once a day. My questions are...does anyone have any other ideas as to how we can make this easier on the both of us? Also, his ex and their boys live in the same town as I do, so my son and his oldest are in the same class at school and know each other well. Although we haven't told any of the boys yet that we have been dating, how can we make the introductions go smoothly and what is the right times to do this? I know that every situation is different, but we have discussed it and we both feel a strong connection to one another and feel that our relationship will go somewhere. If anyone has any suggestions, ideas, or has experienced anything like this,please let me know! I am going crazy with it and really want to find a way to see him more and to make sure that when we do introduce all the boys and let them know about us...it will be the best possible.

Thanks!

DzMome
Mommy of Deven-6

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 12:39pm

Welcome!!

You do have an interesting situation - but it sounds kind of fun.

I am not sure if I have the right answer - and you will surely get a few good answers here. But if I was you, I would want to be more sure of the time together thing before I brought the boys into it.

Will he always live an hour away and work those hours? Is time together a big deal for you?

Have you dated prior to him since your divorce?

How did you two meet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 2:13pm

West1745~

Thanks for taking the time to read!

To answer your questions, we actually met onlne, not knowing where each other lived, let alone knowing that we had boys that went to school together and played together daily while at school! It was kind of a shock at first to know that the internet is so big, but yet such a small world at the same time. We found out about this the second time we chatted online about our common ground and went from there.
I haven't actually been married, but my son's father and I have not been together for about 4 1/2 yrs now and yes, I have dated off and on since then. I dated on man for about 2 yrs. but decided that it wasn't going anywhere and we broke it off about a yr. ago.
As for the working situation and the distance of our homes, he has told me that he would love to move closer to his boys so he could spend more time w/ them and be more involved in their activities, etc. but he isn't sure when that could/would happen. His current job, will not change in hrs. anytime soon, so unless he moves and finds a completely new job, it will not be any different than present situation.
As for the spending time together, I guess it isn't a big thing w/ me, but I feel like in order for it to progress and move forward we need to see each other and have some kind of contact that way as well as talking/chatting/phone calls.

Thanks again for reading!

DzMome

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 7:07pm

Hmmm,

I would not like the fact that he doesn't have that much time. But that is up to you.

I think you should keep your eyes open to try and meet someone who has more time for you and who will really be into you and your son. But that isn't what you really asked. You asked when to introduce him so pardon my opinion!! ;-)

At any rate, I don't think you should introduce the kids until it progresses to the point where you are spending time on a regular basis and you are sure he is that into you and that he wants a more serious relationship.

Keep your standards high!!

Good luck. I hope you post on our board more often. I am sure you will enjoy everyone here.

Keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 7:42pm

West1745~

Thanks for the advice. I do agree that I'd like to meet someone w/ more time for me and my son(eventually), although I also I don't mind it because I've never been a fan of spending every waking moment w/ someone either. I guess that I wouldn't be questioning anything, but I do feel like we get along well, have alot in common, and he is very nice and great to talk to. I am interested in keeping him around for awhile, I guess you could say! :) I do appreciate the insight and your time in reading.

DzMome
mommy of Deven-6

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 8:34pm
You sound happy and that is what is important - keep us posted. At least you are near his kids and hopefully he will move closer - that would certainly help with the time. And hugs to your little boy!!
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 4:21am

First of all, Welcome welcome welcome to our board and I hope you stick around. We have a great group of women here in every situation and I know you will receive lots of great advice.
Here's my two cents:
I think your story is pretty crazy! I mean in a great way and I think it's so wierd, that it's fate. Now, I am not a big believer on fate, but, I have had two similiar situations in my life (including the that I know now), to realize, it's too freaky to have been an accident that we met. It's fate. You also have great common interests, that is terrific. Let's move on to the rest now:
Time:
I think a few of the ladies will agree, with West about the time isssue. On the otherhand, I know, for Donna and myself, we are better off not having so much time with a man in the beginning. You only have been dating a couple of months. It sounds like the relationship is so fresh, that I wouldn't start thinking to much on the whole spending the time together thing. Wait until you both get longer into the relationship, before making that choice. Step by step process. One of the ladies on the board, Donna, also see's her guy rarely, because of the children. She doesn't want to involve the children, so she doesn't see him very often. They are both fine with that, because Donna feels best with that. I haven't seen my guy at ALL yet. LOL. I am in a LDR with a pen pal from the war and I live in Germany and he is now in Texas. It's a long story, but basically, I am ok with this. My heart is ok with the situation. I'll see him in April and until then, the chats, the emails, the phone calls are all we have. Of course I would love to see him everyday, but he's a soldier, so even if we lived close together, I wouldn't see him that much, because he's constantly out on maneuvers, trainings, etc and will be deployed again next year. But he chose his life, what he wanted to do and I chose him and therefore I chose what comes with that.
Introducing the kids:
Wait a little longer for this one. Find out where you two are heading. Give it another 8-12 weeks at least. That can make a huge difference and you both might have a better idea where you both are heading, before possibly causing some problems. Are these boys friends? You say they play together? Has the boy been to your house yet for play time? I really think this situation is a little different then most. If it upsets either of the boys, their could be trouble in the classroom. Wait as long as you can on this. That is my tip. Be sure, before you start causing a storm. I remember a student's family was divorced and my other friends family as well, these two knew each other, but didn't hang out much with one another. The parents started dating one another. Same situation as yours. It was the BIGGEST talk in the school. All the talk was very hard on them. It was high school though, but still, it might become very awkward for each other.

Big hugs and hope to see you around more often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 11:21am

Myprecioustwo~

Thanks for all the great advice and information! It was great!
Everyone has been so helpful so far here, and I do intend on visiting the site more frequently!

I guess the time issue is something that I'm going to have to think about. I do usually like my space and don't like to spend too much time w/ someone especially in the beginning. In this case though, I have already met(seen) him and I guess now I'm wanting to see him more and more. The time thing is definitely an issue though as far as schedules go and that is something that I know we will have to work on or be real creative!
I very glad to hear that you have found someone that you are happy with as well! Congratulations! And I love how you worded the choice statement..oh how that is sooo true in every situation.

As far as the boys are concerned, YES~they are friends and play together daily at school. I'm not really sure how they would feel about knowing that their mom and dad are dating. It's been something on my mind alot though. His son has not been to our house to play yet, and now probably won't, because his mother(the ex) knows that his father and I have been dating. (It kinda came out one day when they were discussing when he was to pick up the boys, he sd that he'd be around town, so anytime would work and she asked why he'd be in town...oopsie, so he was honest w/ her and told her) THey have a decent relationship in talking and communicating about the boys, but anything beyond that is not an agreeable one. I don't think that she would probably allow for him to come over and just play sometime knowing this information. I hope that it wouldn't cause any conflicts at school, but I guess one can never know for sure!

Thanks again for all the advice! You guys have been so helpful.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 6:23pm

Dzmome,

I was just thinking that in your case, with the boys going to school and being in the same class together, that you should wait an extra amount of time before announcing your dating relationship. I feel that knowledge of this relationship would jeopardize your son in the fact that he would be teased or questioned by his classmates. If the relationship did not work then it could foster a bad feeling for him at school.

I just think you should be very sure it would work before bringing the boys into it.

I know that Catherine posted it is a good thing to go slow in a relationship - she is right, and there are many instances where an odd set of circumstances can be a good thing to go slow in the beginning. This may be the case in your case. But you should also do some soul searching as to what you want for YOU. I have a firm set of "must haves" and "can't stands."

Some of my "must haves" include:
- not into drugs or alcohol or tobacco - no addictions
- not careless with money (not that he has to be extremely frugal or rich but I don't want $100K on the credit cards if you know what I mean)
- of the same mind with child discipline - I would not tolerate someone who belittles or beats a child
- Christian or would have acceptance of the Christian religion
- in reasonable shape and not a couch potato - has energy and likes to do a few fun things
- will live near me and be settled here - I do not want to move
- has reasonable time for me

I developed this list when I was on the eharmony online dating website and think it is a good one. With regards to time, I know I must have someone who is reasonably available to nurture and grow the relationship. I don't want someone to smother me, but I do want someone who can go out to dinner once a week to start and then would have some time on the weekend to keep going.

I feel that if you don't have the basics then you just spin your wheels and don't get your needs met. My exh was so into his job. He worked every weekend for a long time and I was alone every Saturday night. Then he took a job where he travelled frequently and he was just never here - could never prioritize family stuff. On his days off he was very tired. And his vacations were spent seeing his mother. There was never any quality time for me. I don't want this misery repeated. Further, many of the relationship experts say one of the troubles for relationships is the lack of time.

I hope this opinion helps you in some way. I have dated quite a bit during the 4 years I have been divorced. I have also been reading and doing personal development so that I will aim higher this time. I have always been too nice and settled for anything and I was afraid to set boundaries. I am not going to do that any more.

I think at the very least that you should try to develop your social life and keep your eyes open - don't have tunnel vision on this one.

Keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:04pm

I would wait until the honeymoon phase wears off before you introduce the kids. It takes me about 5 to 6 months to figure out how attracted I really am to a man. Before I figure things out, then it's just infatuation and no need to drag my son into it (he's 6 yrs old). With younger kids, you can and probably should hide your dating relationships until it becomes serious and has passed the test of time of at least 6 months. When you do decide to introduce, I think it's easier on little kids to say that this is my friend. Kids understand friendships and would find that less intimidating than a romance that may or may not lead to something permanent.

BTW, west, I love your list. It's a good one. Stick to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:26pm

Good point about the honeymoon phase!!

And I agree you have to hide the dating relationship with young kids. It confuses them and puts a jab in their feeling of security. They don't have the capacity to understand adult matters and it does nothing for their own development to learn of these things.

AND yes to showing them it is a friend and not building it up too much. My son has only met 2 of my boyfriends. And he has thought of them as "training partners" that I exercise with.

I feel it is our duty as parents to provide security, support and structure - the 3 Ss of good child development.

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