Question about relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Question about relationship
15
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 12:17pm

Hello all and thanks for reading this!

I am a single mother of 1 boy who is 6. I have met a man who is a divorced father of 2 boys-1 is 6, and the other is 4. He actually lives about an hour away from my home and we haven't gotten to see each other as much as we would like to due to our conflicts in work schedules( i work m-f 9-5 & he works f-tues 7pm-7am) It has made for an interesting few months of creative thinking and planning, but we have managed to see each other a few times, chat daily, and call each other at least once a day. My questions are...does anyone have any other ideas as to how we can make this easier on the both of us? Also, his ex and their boys live in the same town as I do, so my son and his oldest are in the same class at school and know each other well. Although we haven't told any of the boys yet that we have been dating, how can we make the introductions go smoothly and what is the right times to do this? I know that every situation is different, but we have discussed it and we both feel a strong connection to one another and feel that our relationship will go somewhere. If anyone has any suggestions, ideas, or has experienced anything like this,please let me know! I am going crazy with it and really want to find a way to see him more and to make sure that when we do introduce all the boys and let them know about us...it will be the best possible.

Thanks!

DzMome
Mommy of Deven-6

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:41pm

Thanks again to everyone who reads and gives me more information. Everyone has brought up great points for me to think about.

I have never introduced my son to a man I have been dating/boyfriend. Maybe that is why I'm so nervous, I don't know for sure.

I do think that we will wait for awhile and see what develops between us, if anything more than there is now. Although I'm hoping he will be in my life for some time! I do appreciate everything everyone has offered me in the past few days! Thanks again!

DzMome

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:46pm

West~ the must haves are great! I love them. Thanks for sharing!!

I completely understand your situation with having an ex with a lack of priorities...or the wrong priorities I guess I should say. My son's father was the same way and I never want to go through that again, and don't want my son growing up thinking that those things are ok and should be allowed. It isn't fair for anyone involved.

And I may just have to take your advice as far as the tunnel vision point. I have been also chatting with another man who lives closer to me for the past few months and he wants to meet for drinks sometime this week! I'll let everyone know how that turns out!

Thanks for everything!

Take care,
DzMome

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 4:04am
Great posts West! Totally agree on the "must have's", even though I smoke, but for some reason, I don't really want someone that smokes, because I would like to quit in the near future (espeically, when I leave for the states), when I am not so totally stressed out (my mom is a smoker and it makes it hard to quit when she is puffing around me all day) and I do want someone that drinks socially, because I am a social drinker. That can be either a beer after work to wind down or one drink the week. I love nothing better than having a glass of wine with my friends or a date during dinner. Usually someone that doesn't drink, doesn't because he's on the wagon. That is to much of a risk for me that I don't want (him falling off). Someone that is responsible with his actions. I think that is what you meant, right? Love the 3 S's too. Totally agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 11:16am

Hi and welcome. How often is your son with his father, and how often does your new man have his children with him? Have you been able to see each other at least weekly?

I waited a year to introduce my dd to my bf (she's 4) and even then they met on accident. If I had stuck by my plan, they would not have met yet since I am still unsure if the relationship will be long-term. Before my bf met my dd, we would only see each other when our children were with our ex's. My dd is with her dad every other week, and my bf used to have his son every other weekend, so we were lucky in that we could see each other every other weekend and a few times during the week my dd was with her dad. Very occasionally my bf used to come over to my house after dd fell asleep and leave before she woke up during the week I had my dd. I realize not all single mom's have this much time to date (one week out of every 2), but still I felt it wasn't enough at times. Other times it was fine because I've been able to focus on rebuilding my life and not putting too much energy into the relationship. Since we mostly only saw each other every other week, I feel my honeymoon phase lasted longer, about a year.

I would focus on increasing the time you are together while keeping the kids out of it for now. Maybe on Wednesday or Thursday nights when he doesn't have to be at work the next morning you can hire a babysitter and go out for the evening (him driving down to see you since you do have to work the next morning)... and then if you have a kid-free weekend you can drive up and arrive about the time he gets off work at 7pm, still with plenty of time for dinner out and a movie. Also, it sounds like the relationship cannot go long term unless he moves closer so it may be a good idea to keep it casual until it looks like that will really happen. Why involve the kids if you are just going to have to break it off because he decides he doesn't want to change jobs?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:00pm

Hi Firstamendment...thanks for your insight!

My son rarely sees his father. It is a long story, but to make it short, my son's father has been in and out of places that aren't exactly appropriate for a 6yr old to visit and he has recently decided he is moving to FL. He spent about a month and half there and is now back here where we live-IA. He sees him when it is convenient for him and that is about it. I have tried to talk to his father and let him know that this isn't good for our son, but he doesn't seem to listen to me.
As for the man I'm seeing, he gets visitation every other weekend, which isn't exactly to his benefit since he works mostly on the weekends(another reason he is considering changing jobs, he really wants to spend more time w/ the boys and be able to have a better relationshiop with them). SO with that being said, we really have not much time at all to see each other. We have been talking about trying the Wed. or Thursday night idea, however, I work an hr. away from my home, YES of course in the opposite direction from him. SO that is another obstacle with the time situation. Oh is it doomed to fail??

Thanks everyone for all of your ideas!

Much appreciated...
DzMome

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