question here

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
question here
10
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:19pm
What would you do if you were engaged to a wonderful man and you young child adores him and you adult child who does not live at home or in the same state hates him and tell you they will not talk to you again until you leave him because he reminds her of her father who was a complete jerk to us. but you know you fiance is the complete opposit. mind you she has only met him once.( i never dated when she was younger her father left whe i was pregnant and her father and i got back together when she was 12 and it just didtn't work out at all)and this is the 3rd man i dated since then in 5 yrs neither one of my kids met the other two which was just maybe one or 2 casual dates). any imput would be helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 6:37pm

I would try to spend more time with your DD and discuss her fears. Chances are she fears the unknown since she has a bad memory and doesn't really know him all that well. If you could try to encourage time for them together that is good.

In the end it is really YOUR decision - you are the adult. It certainly sounds like you have taken your time in the matter. And this DD doesn't live there so she will hopefully eventually adapt and get over it in time.

You and your fiance should discuss this and know that she will have to come to grips with it on her own time and that hopefully he doesn't take it personally and is willing to be patient.

I hope the others will answer as well. You might have to wait for Monday for more responses.

Welcome to our board! Congrats on your engagement. Tell us more!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 10:41pm

I would keep an open dialogue with your adult daughter that tries to combine reason and feelings. Maybe she has some friends to talk to objectively about it. How close are you to her? Does she live with you, for example?

She does not have to like the man to accept that you and he love eachother.

It does sound like a difficult situation, but you have taken her to adulthood and now it is her issue. Eventually I suspect that she will see that they are different men and that he brings you joy.

I would let your fiance and your daughter take things at their own pace. Don't force togetherness at holidays etc, if they get to know eachotehr on their own terms, there will be no resentment in the future , whatever the course their relationship takes.

All the best and hearty congratulations to you and your fiance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:55am

HI there. Welcome to the board!
I think I would try very hard to help my older child see that this man was not at all like her father, but ultimately, this is your life. You know that he's a good man, you know that he's great with your younger child, and you know the real him.
She can't possibly know him well after only one meeting, so I would try to get them together more.
How does he feel about this? Would he be open to trying to get to know her? I think your child is always your child, but in this case, you simply have to live your life. If he's the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and she has no valid reasons for disliking him, there's not a lot you can do. Patience, love, and his own personality should win her over, but in the meantime, live your life.
Please keep us posted!

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 5:28pm

I would probably consider what she's telling you. You say she has only met him once. What is she basing her opinion on? Has he done something to upset her? What do other people say about this guy? (by other people, i mean adults. not your young child)

I listen to my family when it comes to dates. An adult daughter is an adult, so I would at least consider her input. I didn't listen to anyone when I married my exh. Now, I'm so conservative in my choices. If my family and friends say that a guy is a jerk, I take their word for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:36am
Thank you everyone for your repies..I know in the long run it is my decision..i do not go around asking people if they like him or not they are not marrying him i am..I do listen to other people oppions thou.. ( not that of a child i just mentioned that she likes him and they get along well)and as everything some peole like him some don't.as with anyone we all like someone and dislike someone that the other peroson likes or loves..that dosen't make it right or wrong..sometimes everyone can like the person on the outside and not really know the true person on the inside and vise versa..and your right one meeting does not count we had all gone on a trip together and because the car broke down or the fact that the week before my little on got sick and money just got a little tight or she just didn't get her way she came to the conclusion she did not like him and will not give him a chance.Neither one of us make what you can call faboluos money but we survive and we are happy..my family feels i should mmeet someone who will tell me i don't have to work no more and lets face it thats not gonna happen and i will still want to work anyway..i am not looking for someone to take care of me financially i do ok with that on my own. I just someone who loves and respects me and he does and me with him.. I also think the fact that i will be moving away is an issue also from most of my family.including my daughter who lives in another state 7 hours away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:19am

It sounds like your daughter is concerned about you and the little sister. I get this from my family all the time since the divorce. The stakes feel higher with a second marriage. No one wants to see me get hurt again, because I'm a mom now and what hurts me will hurt my child.

Do you have a new job where you're relocating? How long have you known your fiance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:52am
Yes i know she is concerned about us and my family is also..and i know they don't want me to get hurt again..i currently do not have a job set at the moment but i will be sending out my resume as soon as i set a date to move..i love my fiance very much..we have know each other for a yr and a half now. i do under stand their concerns and i love them all for it..and i know my choice in the past with my ex was a disaster..but i do deserve the chance to be happy and i know i am taking a big chance on him and this realtionship but i know it is worth it..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:16pm

Have you ever lived close to him? I would be reluctant to move away to be with a man, especially if the relationship has been a long distance one from the beginning.

My job, my house, my kid's school and child care, would all have to change. I would think over the decision very carefully.

As for your adult daughter, try to stay on friendly terms with her whatever you decide. I know she said she was going to stop talking to you, but try to keep communication open with her. She might never agree with you, but she'll always be your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:33pm
Yes i know all that and i am still in that stage of when and how i will do all this..and trust me i have been doing a lot of thinking on this its all that mostly fills my mind these days when i have my quiet times ..like now that i am home for another 4 weeks do to surgey..boy have i been doing a lot of thinking.And as for my daughter i do keep in contact with her..even if she don't speak to me except online ..but thats ok i send her emails and i call and leave messages for her i tell her constantly that i love her and always will..i send her cards both thru email and snail mail..she knows i love her and i know she loves me..its just that we have differnt oppinions about things..I'm sure in the long run every thing will work out with all conserned..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:46pm

Your daughter may have a valid point. I am glad that fivesense stepped in and expressed her concern.

I would NOT move my life for a man - I mean - that is a lot to uproot - a child's life, a job, a home, friends, your whole network. It throws your whole life upside down. It really does.

Maybe you can take a little more time to save more money and gather your thoughts? You sound so sweet. But I sense that maybe you feel you can't do better unless you make this sacrifice?