Question regarding "Who should pay"
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| Wed, 05-14-2008 - 11:06pm |
Hello ladies! I've been pretty much lurking the last month, but love keeping up to date with ya'll! I have a question regarding paying. I'm a lil old fashioned I think? And prefer the guy pay for the first handful of dates (generally 3, before I offer to pay) now my question is, when I am the one who invites the guy out, I'm prepared to pay. Of course they insist they pay regardless of who invited out whom. SO my question is, how much tug of war should be played before I just let them pay? Sometimes I have to be QUITE insistent about paying because I invited thema nd I feel it's "my turn". But at the same time when I have to fight so hard and insist, I feel like I'm in a way castrating them at the table by not letting them pay. So is there a rule somewhere? Mark?! If the check comes, and I grab it and the date says "No no, I've got this" and I say "No, I invited you, please, its my treat" and he lets me pay YAY! But if he says AGAIN "No I insist" or something along those lines, should I let it go at that point? LMAO Because that's the point where I've found myself saying "No, I really want to treat, let me get this" and then I wonder if I'm inadvertently doing something that makes the guy feel less like a chivalrous man?

This is hard to pinpoint, IMO! I think it varies as much as types of men can vary. Just another point where I think it works best if the 2 of you match in values when it comes to this kind of thing.
Some men might feel castrated if the woman pays even once in a blue moon. Others would LOVE it if their woman could cover the cost often and might secretly wish that she would if she doesn't! And everything in between. But like I said- as long as the 2 people match enough, or at least understand the other's point of view, then it's something that can be negotiated, or at least be a non-issue naturally.
Thankfully, Hiker and I match with this one. He prefers to pay most of the time, and would probably be okay with paying ALL the time. He never puts out any kind of "huff" about covering the check on most of our dates. I might buy once every couple of months (or less, sometimes, depending on what we're doing or how often we go out). I also know that when I offer to pay, he never resists as if it "castrated his manhood" to not pay. He graciously accepts... because really- fair is fair and he pays MUCH more than I do. So he probably enjoys the break when I offer to pay. Or if we are doing dinner and a movie (or some other activity)- then maybe I will cover the dinner if he bought tickets to the concert/game/show. Or I'll grab the movie if he paid for dinner. Or he pays for them all. LOL
I'm sure I didn't help answer your question any at all!!! But I really think it depends on the person, how well it's accepted or not, when the woman pays.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I don't believe in fighting someone over the check. If the woman picks up the check, I don't fight. I do usually offer to leave the tip. I don't know how other men deal with it.
My date with Jane, the 51 yr old social worker picked up the check and I told her that I would pay but she insisted so I let it drop. She asked if I was insulted that she paid. I told her no because actually I have this secret moocher part of me that wants people to pay for me. I don't mooch but that is a hidden part of me I am afraid I'd let out sometime. Oh yeah sure please pay... let me get some extra drinks and dessert while I'm at it if you are going to pay...
Again I don't believe in fighting for it turns into a power struggle and why do that when I want to date her? The point is to relax, have a good time. What I find is key is to be able to talk about such things for money and sex are two things that really cause difficulty in a relationship so to be able to talk about it frankly, openly and honestly then that is a huge step in creating closeness IMHO.
I think this may be a generational, cultural, and regional thing on who pays as well. I suspect younger, more American, and more cosmopolitan/urban areas are more egalitarian about paying.
Regardless, it's all about communication with your date. So whatever he feels less chivalrous or not, it's about being able to talk about it yes?
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
The only time I ever paid on a date was with a guy that I didn't click with.