Question of the week..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Question of the week..
8
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:10pm

Ok, so we've had some discussions lately about the warning signs of abuse, neglect of partner and general maltreatment of your parnter and children.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 8:46am

I'm going to be very interested in reading responses on this one.

My boys are still pretty young (8.5 & 6) but I plan to teach them to NOT think of women (even girls in their class) as "not as able" as boys. I know that when I grew up, it was common to think of boys as being superior because that was just how people thought back then (60's, 70's). And then I remember that when I was nearing high school, that stereotype started changing. I started noticing more girls being valedictorian than boys. When I was little, it seemed like most of them were boys. Girls were getting more student council spots. Girls were starting to let their successes shine.

I'm thankful that (hopefully) the attitude in the schools today aren't so one-sided and to me, they seem more equal. If anything though- lately you hear of the statistics and attitudes swinging the other way, which is bad for the boys because girls seem to be doing better academically.

So while I plan to teach my boys to respect women (girls) as capable and equal people, I also want them to know that girls are also different and need to be treated gently and be protected. I want to teach them to know that they might end up being physically stronger, but that using that physical strength against a woman (or even another man) to get something they want, is NOT the way to operate. It would NOT be okay or acceptable.

I am teaching to not be verbally abusive by teaching them to ask nicely for things and to say 'thank you' when they get it. I am not allowing (ignoring) the tantrums if they don't get what they want. Hopefully they will learn that they can get more "with honey" than they can by demanding or being forceful.

My 8.5 yr old has cerebral palsy so he might not understand this stuff for a long time. But with my 6-yr old, he is plenty old enough to start learning these things. But it is cute that my 8.5 yr old will try to open doors for me because he's seen men do it for me & me telling them thank you. And then my son beams when I tell him thank you for opening the door for me. :-) I think he sees that exchange and it makes him feel grown-up when he and I do the same thing.

I am a bit frustrated with the role models that my ex and his new wife might show though. They get along fine (they're a real match for each other), but some of their regular conversation with each other include them saying "shut up" to each other in jest... but to the kids who are watching, they won't understand that and I hope they won't come home from a week with them, saying "shut up" like it's okay. I won't allow them to say that in my house and I don't want them to think it's okay to say that to anyone, even in jest because it really does sound hateful and awful even when said in fun. And obviously, not everyone will take it as "fun" if it was said to them. With my ex and his wife, they do- but I think most people wouldn't be okay with it. I don't want my boys growing up into cavemen.

I don't have any girls, but if I had one, I would be making SURE she learned early on that she was valuable and that her body is HERS and she has the right to say NO if something isn't right with her. My first thoughts come to a book by Jada Pinkett Smith called "Girls Hold Up The World" that I think would be good for all little girls to read. NO boy would be "owed something" just because he bought a dinner and a movie on a date. NO way, no how. And my boys- when they get older, they will be taught to value women (people) enough to not think that way either! Dating isn't all about getting what you want. Dating is about getting to know each other. Always go slow, and there's no reason to rush.

So this is what I WANT to do... but sometimes I'm still at a loss at just HOW to teach this though. To find that fine line where a man will know that a woman can be his equal and should be respected as such- but to also know that a woman is still the gentler sex and should be protected too.

~shrimpy, rambling on too much coffee this morning

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 9:35am

I have 3 children, 2 who are adults. My oldest a daughter who is now 27 is an extremely strong, independent, takes no nonsense from anyone type. I took great pains and sacrifices to always be a good role model for her. That I beleive was the strongest influenece. I always nutured her self esteem and made sure even through the hellish teenage years to keep the lines of communication always open. She knew she was always free to speak her mind and no matter what I wouldn't judge her or chastise her. I always made it clear to her that although I had a certain level of expectation for her, that I didn't expect her to be perfect, life happens and mistakes will happen too, it's how we handle mistakes that can make or break us. I think when a lot of young girls get into trouble they are afraid to face their parents because of high expectations and lack of communication.

As for my son who is now 23, I basically applied the same principles and because he had
me and his strong sister as role models, he really has a great respect for women.Although he had a ton of guys friends growing up, his best friend was a girl. Romance blossomed at
17 and they just got married this past August. They really have a great relationship, they will be parents this comming July and I have no doubt that he will be a great dad.
He has always had a very loving, nuturing personality, was it because he was raised surrounded by females, maybe. I'm just really proud of both of my kids, it took a lot of hard work, but remember It's not what you say, it's what you do that will resonate the
strongest.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:06am

I plan on doing the opposite of what my parents did.

           
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:55am
Dawn, I know exactly where you are comming from. I was raised in an abusive, alchoholic
environment and I made the same vow not to raise my own kids the same way. Thank God I didn't, I did everything the total opposite of what my parents did. No matter how tough things got, I kept my resolve. That's why I said in my previous post that example counts most. I know because of your past pain, you will do the right thing with your child, you have such stong incentive not to repeat the cycle of abuse; of all my acomplishemnts in life the thing I'm most proud of is that I broke all the bad cycles of my family and did the right thing. There's no better feeling in life than looking at your adult children and knowing you raised them them well.
God Bless.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 11:47am

I really try hard to answer the original post, and not read ahead, so sorry if I've repeated thoughts!

I think we teach our sons, and I hope I'm teaching mine, by not accepting it. If we are in these situations, we get out. I haven't been in one, but I put him with men (grandpa, uncles, etc.) who are EXCELLENT male role models, and don't let him spend time with men who aren't. Luckily, his father is also active in his life, and isn't abusive.

For my daughter, same applies, to an extent. I wouldn't allow a man to abuse me, so she wouldn't see it. I don't let her brother hit her, and I don't let her hit him, but he knows it isn't okay to hit girls. If she hits him, (he's older, bigger, and stronger) he retaliates in another way, not with violence.

Just my thoughts.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 1:36pm

I absolutely agree that example is the best way to teach our children...I left an abusive marriage and raising my children to love and be loved the rihgt way was one of the propelling forces behind my decision. I want to raise both my children (DD7 and DS3) to be strong/independant, seslf aware and confident but also compassionate, and empathetic and accountable for their actions at all times...those are non-gender specific traits, but there are things I want to teach DD and DS separately. FOr Dd I want her to believe in herself and her self worth especially as a female because being a woman makes us special and to value that and for DS to value his strength and respect/cherish the role of being a man, husband, father (although rihgt now he still likes to put rice krispies up his nose!) I think this world offers more in the way of equality than it did a generation ago but we will always have issues...its how we teach our children to deal wiht those issues that count. DD knows why we left home and she knows what is acceptable and not acceptable because I showed her and I will continue to live my life according to the values I want her to have.

Very, very good thread here...
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 2:30pm
My answer is that I would not allow anyone abusive into our lives. And I model kindness in everything we do - we don't mistreat anything. I emphasize that communication is important and that we should not allow people to walk on us - that you have to set boundaries.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 7:51am

I am a very active part of my children's lives and I set very high standards on the way that they treat people.

My daughter is kind, funny, wicked smart and a joy, most of the time, but she is bossy, strong-willed, and unrelentless. She's was born with a spark that no one--let alone a man--will be able to extinguish. I love that she's not afraid to speak her mind, and she's not afraid what anyone thinks of her, but this is certainly a challenge to parent sometimes!! :) I have really been working with her to remember sometimes the things she says/does can relaly hurt other people's feelings. She makes her friends cry sometimes, and when she does, she feels really bad and is very, very sorry. It's a constant battle because she does like to be in charge and is VERY determined to do so. I wonder how much of personality is inherited, because her father was the same way and I think a lot of that could have been tamed by his own mother who was very neglectful towards him.

My son is very, very mellow. He's almost 2 and he is the most docile two year old I have ever been around. When I have to scold him, even mildly, he pouts and is very ashamed of himself. This really concerns me, because I don't want my son to be an oversensitive mama's boy--lol!! My brothers and my father and even my friend's husbands are very respectful to other people and especially their wives/girlfriend, so I am hoping that he models the same type of behavior.

I also would NOT allow an abusive man in my home nor around my children. I am a big believer in "monkey see, monkey do". It simply boils down to learned patterns of behavior for me.

This was a very interesting QOTW! :)

--snow