Question for you all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Question for you all!
4
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 4:58pm


Since everyone here is out there in the dating world more than me, (I've been divorced for 5 years today)I'd like some input to this 2 part question.

1) How long after you start dating someone do you introduce him to your children? and do their ages play into it?

2) If your children know the person you're dating, how often are the children involved in the dates?

Thanks so much in advance to anyone who responds!

~calla~

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 6:13pm

Hi Calla, welcome to the board.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 4:16am
Hi! My kids are younger than yours (5, 3 & 1-1/2) and I've been dating my BF for 3 mths now. I haven't introduced him to them nor have I met his son (who is almost 6) and I don't plan on introducing them to him for quite a while yet. I know he'll be great with them and I know my kids will attach onto him and love him (they're very friendly and loving kids, always smiling and playing etc) so that's what's keeping me from doing it. I don't want to introduce anyone/thing into their lives that won't be a constant for them and with relationships its just too hard to tell at this early stage in the game. Its still new, so of course we're both still in la-la honeymoon stage of the game. As for if age matters...in my case I'd say no. Even if my kids were older, I would hold off introducing them.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 8:19am

When my DS was younger I did not introduce him to anyone because I didn't want him to get attached or confused. But now that he is almost 12, I have a more relaxed approach. And maybe because it is harder to hide it - he hears the phone ringing and me talking to someone even if it is briefly and he knows I am going out - he can see the difference in how I look to run out with a friend versus looking nice for a date - kids are very smart. He might meet them briefly but I never allow them to spend one on one time for any type of bonding or a friendship - I don't think I would do that unless I was engaged and that has not happened so far. I believe that he is very smart and it would make him more nervous if I tried to hide something he knows exists. I do mention I am dating. But he views my dating as something I do with friends just like something he does with his friends. It is sort of something going on in the background that does not impact his life.

I have used this as a valuable learning lesson to mention my philosphies on dating to him - that you have to get to know each other slowly over time and make sure the person is right for you on a lot of levels. I have tried to explain the things that make the other person a bad choice for me - like if the person drinks too much or does things that are bad/irresponsible or is mean/selfish. We also talk about how it is important to pick the right friends. It is sort of integrated as an important life lesson to him.

He also knows that I feel that he and I are a package deal and that I am not going to accept someone who is not right for both of us. I have been alone a long time and my actual dating time has been very little in the scheme of things - so I know he is not bothered by it. I do not use him as a chum to tell my dating stories to - not at all - but I let him know when I am dating so he does not feel that there is this deep dark secret he has to fear.

Edited to add: I have really tried to make an effort to keep my dating from interfering with my time with DS. I do not want him to think my dating is something negative in his life - that it takes away from what I have with him. This is easier now that he is older because he is developing a social life and has parties, athletic events and a lot of friends and also his dad sees him a few times a week.




Edited 1/1/2008 8:23 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 10:15am

Oh ladies, thank you so much for the input! I didn't give you much information because I wanted your opinions, not input on what I'm doing or what my "problem" is!

As for me, I've been dating someone for a little while now, and while the girls know this guy as my best friend (friends for 10 years) they don't know that we're a couple. He's also divorced with 2 sons, older than my girls and they don't know about us. While we're certain that this relationship is leading towards marriage, neither of us feel the need to involve the kids and add that stress to their lives.

Stress? YES! Sweetie's XW started dating within 3 months of their separation. And not just dating..... dating one man and dating with the boys. MY XH started dating NW 7 months after we separated (strings of women during those 7 months that the girls weren't aware of) but less than 2 weeks after his first date with NW, the girls met her and spent every single weekend that he had them (we're 50/50, week to week) at her house with her older daughters. (no sleepovers! thank goodness THAT clause was in our agreement) Rosie got sick of it. When they'd been dating for 11 months, they got engaged and Rosie begged him to wait a while (she said it was too soon after the divorce that had been final 6 months before). They had the cahones to actually get married less than a WEEK after the begging. The living together part of their marriage lasted about 18 months. They separated, "worked on the relationship" for over 2 years, and this August, went to visit his family with the girls. About 3 weeks after they got back, he told me they were divorcing. (I know that alot of her issues stemmed form the fact that he didn't focus on her when the girls were around) Two weeks after THAT, (and the girls were non-plussed.... they didn't care for NW) they met his "friend" and Rosie told me that she was the new girlfriend.

Can everyone guess what's happened since then? You got it. The insta-family. THey see her EVERY weekend, even though I'd asked him to take this one slowly and he'd agreed to NOT see NW2 every week. They haven't had one NW2-free week since they met her, and in fact ,spent 5 out of 6 Christmas vacation days with her. Did I mention that she has daughters ages 5 and 7 who are with them all the time?

The reason I've asked for opinions about this is that I'm REALLY confused about what kind of woman dates children like this. With him, I can understand it. But as a Mom who wants to do everything to protect her children, I can't IMAGINE exposing my girls to someone to that extent. Rosie tells me on the phone every time they are together and I can hear the hurt in her voice and her eyes rolling when she says, "You KNOW what we're doing. It's what we ALWAYS do."

I'm no saint. I've made many mistakes in life and I'm half responsible for the divorce, but I try really hard to teach my girls what's right and wrong, and I believe that kids dating like this is wrong. I also believe the experts that say not to introduce children to someone you're dating until it's a serious relationship.

Rosie has been in therapy since the separation. Gracie was in last year, but all the behaviors that got her into counseling are coming back and she's starting up again tomorrow. BOTH the girls' counselors are upset about XH dating again like this, but both know he won't listen to them about hos it negatively impacts the girls, so it's not worth it. Rosie won't tell him, because her relationship with him is rocky....... he's already demonstrated ot her that he only loves her when she's loving towards him.

I just don't get that he can't find a nice woman who will respect his relationship with his girls. Any thoughts???

~calla~

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie