question..dating and weekend w/kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
question..dating and weekend w/kids
12
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 5:34pm

Before even asking this question I wanted to say thanks...for the advice I have been recieving, the comradere, the laughs, the support. You all are really wonderful :o)

Here's my question. When you are dating someone and it becomes exclusive, what does or did your guy do when you had the kids for the weekend? Regarding nightlife, and the fact that SO still needs to have a life even when I am at home with DD. We do some things all together (DD, him and I) but I am trying to take that slowly.

For instance last weekend I had my DD, and so in the evenings I was home with her, early, you know..bed times and all. Blue Eyes is a social guy and I don;t expect him to stay at his house, home all evening just because I can't go out.

My guy loves live music and dancing, but I'm not thrilled at the idea of encouraging him to go there without me. The idea of other ladies dancing or talking with my guy makes me a little uncomfortable!
He has a good bunch of friends, and he likes to go their places to socialize. With the exception of one really flirtacious girl who also hangs out there, I think he can at least go there and hang out when we can't be out togehter.

Just wondering, when you're at the point of seeing each other regularly, how does your SO handle it when you need and want to spend the time with your kids? What do they do with their time?

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 5:54pm

I guess the situation gets better for an old fogie like me...

Both Hiker and I are waaaaay past wanting to visit clubs for that nightlife activity. I used to do it when I was in my 20's, and I'm not sure if Hiker did much of that at all except for a short while before he was married, and was in college (early 20's). I definitely had more years of partying than he did! But we're both over all that now.

And because we both have kids 24/7... having to work in a dating schedule is just a regular thing. There IS no schedule where we might find ourselves with that "weekend off" as do parents with that every-other-weekend visitation setup. We just have to work our dates around what we can.

But to answer your question (maybe)- if Hiker wants some time to himself, I just let him have it. I would never tell him NOT to go do whatever he felt like doing, and I can rest comfortably knowing that whatever he felt like doing- would NOT include being in any singles/meat market types of places. I'm not sure if I would feel comfortable even dating him exclusively if he was wanting to go there on a non-date night out. Just because that characteristic (enjoying the clubbing) is not one that I find attractive anymore. Maybe it's just because we aren't young anymore- and this is just not an issue.

For me to have a good time, I can simply stay at home and do one of my many crafts or read- and I'm perfectly happy. Or if I want to get out- I go geocaching (a daytime activity for me). Hiker might stay home and watch a movie, or go golfing with a friend. I think that is why we get along so well... because we match in this way. That neither one of us are looking for a hugely active social calendar where it has to be all that social to be fun. And neither one would be interested in someone being flirtatious with us while we are ANYWHERE.

Maybe that's a factor to consider? Do you trust him to be "good" while he is out without you, even if he is tempted by someone there? If you truly trust him that he is committed to your relationship, then you can trust him to go out socially and NOT get involved socially (other than just dancing or hanging with friends). Have you ever asked him what he might think, if YOU wanted to go out to a club with some friends when he can't be there with you? I think alot of that is a matter of trust.

~shrimpy, feeling quite rambly and incoherent this afternoon

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:10pm

Thanks for your thoughts, Shrimpy. I do not think you were rambly OR incoherant..LOL!

Regarding the dancing and night clubs, this was something he used to love doing before we started dating. Now that we have been together, he has never mentioned going there without me, and from my original question it probably sounded like he has. I was just thinking, what kinds of activites are good for one of the two in an exclusive relationship to do when not with the other, at night?
I think I am in an insecure mood today and I don't know why. Do you ever feel that way, and you can't pinpoint why?
I want him to ba happy and free to do lots of things when we are not together, but to be honest, there is a slight feeling of insecurity within me (will he find someone else, someone more available, without the DD factor, etc) and I don't know why. He's a great guy and he has given me no reason to think otherwise.

I guess I need to do some inner searching and figure out what buggin me.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:25pm

Just something to consider...

What are Blue Eyes' hobbies? Do you know of things that you think he MIGHT want to do on his "free time" away from you?

So if he isn't interested in going out clubbing anymore (I did get that idea that he (and you) were still into that, from your original post), then I suppose his free time is spent hanging out at his friend's house, where MissFlirt (or should I say MRS Flirt) might be there as well?

You never know- maybe on his non-date nights, he might just be curled up with a good book! lol ;-)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:44pm

<<>>>

LOL, I almost fell out of my chair at that one! The last time Blue Eyes sat down and read a book was when I bought him a documentary on Rock and Roll for Christmas ;O)
He knew I spent good money on it so he read it cover to cover!

He does, however like to watch sci-fi movies and so sometimes when I call him this is exactly what he's doing...chilling out to a date with his recliner and the sci-fi channel.

You are right on target, that what he likes to do is hang out with his friend, where Miss Flirt hangs out also. I guess I really need to appreciate what I DO have going on..
a guy who tells me that he wishes I was there with him even when he's just hanging with the friends..which is a really nice thing to hear, even though I can't be there 24/7.

Pacific- in search of the security wand.




Edited 9/5/2007 6:46 pm ET by pacific_sun
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 7:18pm

Do you have the kids every weekend? Maybe you can get a sitter once or twice a month so you two can go out and enjoy live music? It doesn't seem like he wants to go to the clubs - and he wants to be with you. It is so cute he read that book because he knows how much you spent!! And maybe you two can find some special things to do as a couple that do not involve the clubs.

I get one or two weekend nights without my son - but often times those are nights for my BF to be with his son or a work night for him. We are both so busy right now. We talk every day and see each other like twice a week when I don't have my DS (only twice with him - not that much). And neither one of us goes to clubs really. I mean we might go out for a meal. But we both have a big race coming up and we are doing a lot of biking together. I know if there was something special I would get a sitter and go out after DS was in bed. Maybe another idea for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 8:04pm

It sounds like you can relate to the dating juggle..finding time can be a scheduling challenge, can't it?

I have my DD every week night and then every other weekend. That leaves me with free time every other weekend to see Blue Eyes without DD.
We get to see live music about once a month wish is really great, and other times we like to just stay home and lounge, or get out and bike ride, walk the beach, etc.

I had not considered the idea of getting a sitter once in a while. I might do that, on a night I have DD, after her bed time. It would be a nice suprise to be able to do something "in between" weeks :o)

thanks for your input!
On another positve note he just called a minute ago and asked to meet me for happy hour this evening. DD's with her dad until 8pm tonight so off I go.....

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 2:03pm

My SO has other hobbies, so before we lived together, we'd plan specific days to not spend together. While neither of us ever had a problem with what the other person was doing, we also didn't "ask", either. In fact, typically we recapped our days after the fact, and simply made our own plans.

We still do that to an extent- I might say, "I'm headed to such and such a place, do you need anything near there?" and he'll do the same, but it's more of a courtesy than anything else. We don't ask permission, and we don't approve or disapprove each other's plans.

Luckily, neither of us has felt the need to- we're a team, and we both basically do things for the good of the relationship, the family, the community. We aren't out partying simply because neither of us has any interest in it. If one of us was the type, we'd probably not be together.

Moody, a definite homebody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 2:23pm

When you are dating someone and it becomes exclusive, what does or did your guy do when you had the kids for the weekend?

I have my children 24/7, so I usually spent a weekend night with him and the other with my kids. Or after awhile, because I hate being without my children, I would integrate doing something together with all of them - All children together. I am more into a family atmosphere and doing fun family stuff together. I like going out every so often, which I think is important. My rule is having date night. It's once a week of reconnecting together without children. It can be at home with the kids someplace else or being on a real date. Doesn't have to be all night, but it should include a minimum of two hours. Give me that once the week date night and I am totally ok with doing everything else with kids.

Anyone I ever dated did his own thing. Either stayed at home, went out with friends or had some activity with their kids. So I never dated anyone that felt they had to ask me permission. Most of the men I have dated are over the club scene. They will go to a sports bar maybe and hang out with buddies, but only because they are happy just doing some guy friends activity. Not to pick anyone up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 5:48pm

Hello and happy Tuesday to you all!


I have been away from the board for a week, and I wanted to tell everone

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 6:01pm

That must be the best feeling for you, to know that Blue Eyes sees the activities of MrsFlirt, but instead of finding it interesting/intriguing- he wants to avoid it/her! Yay for that!!!!


That was also a great move on your part- to talk with MrsFlirt and make yourself known. WTG! And I'm glad you had a fun weekend on top of all that!


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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